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Kicked in the face :(

(15 Posts)
Levanna Wed 18-Feb-04 22:34:21

I'm really just writing a rant! Yesterday, a friend called with her DD who is the same age as mine (22 months). This other child has always been quite rough with my DD, and I'm sure sees her as an easy target, as my DD is extremely dainty and light for her age. Yesterday, the other little girl kicked my DD in the face, completely unprovoked, while they were watching a programme together. My 'friend' said to her daughter 'You can't be play rough with ***' (My DD). They left almost immediately, but I'm really irked that she seems happy to make out that my DD needs extra care taken over her (she doesn't, she's not unwell, just slim!), and that it would be fine for her DD to do this to other children in other situations. I am pregnant, so maybe this is winding me up more than it usually would, who knows. Sorry if I sound as though I'm whingeing over nothing, but it has really upset me that my DD always seems to recieve a battering from hers, mostly because she's happy to excuse this kind of behaviour for her DD.
I'll shut up

twiglett Wed 18-Feb-04 22:38:28

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misdee Wed 18-Feb-04 22:38:47

that would annoy me too. dd1 shocked me once when she was about the same age as your dd. a boy kicked her quite hard, i was about to tell him off as his mum wasnt about when she turned round and booted him one. i didnt know whether to congratualte her or tell her off for kicking. she is also quite small and light for her age.

aloha Wed 18-Feb-04 22:52:22

Agree with Twiglett, she told her dd the behaviour was unacceptable in very precise terms and took her home - I would say that was a good response. As Twiglett says, she may well have very boisterous rough and tumble games with older siblings or other friend's children. At that age I think it very unlikely to the point of impossibility that the other child cooly sizes up other children and thinks about whether they are 'easy targets' or not - behaviour at 22months is rather more impulsive than that IMO. Try not to worry about it. I'm sure your dd has forgotten all about it

Levanna Wed 18-Feb-04 22:55:52

twiglett, sorry I forgot to say that the other little girl had her coat on ready to go anyway, so leaving wasn't as a 'punishment', IYSWIM. I'm sure you're right though, that my friend would be upset if she knew how I feel right now, that's the beauty of being able to relieve myself of some of those unreasonable thoughts here (again, IYSWIM!). Thankyou for your reply
Thanks misdee, I know what you mean about the retaliation thing. My DD tends to walk away, or get scared, rather than thump back, but, TBH, if she did retaliate, I can't say I'd blame, or discourage her! I worry that if she is always as dainty as she is now, she'll always be an easy target . It's a fine line, isn't it? But, I'm happy to say, what she lacks in brawn, she makes up for in brains, so I suppose I'm hoping that in the future, when she's more eloquent she'll be able to think and talk her way out of these situations. Fingers crossed

Levanna Wed 18-Feb-04 23:01:25

Hi aloha, no, she hasn't got older siblings, but you're probably right, that she doesn't specifically target my DD due to her size - she just batters everyone! (Including her mother)
Do you think that she was clear that it was unnacceptable? I'm not sure I do, she gave the impression at the time that her DD can't be rough with my DD but can with others. (I'm not talking rough as in 'rough and tumble', I mean a real unprovoked kick in the face). I don't know, I'm still feeling irritated, so please don't take my reply as a slight on your opinion. Thanks for replying

misdee Wed 18-Feb-04 23:03:58

oh my dd1 may be small, but she has turned into a biosterous kid since nursery. can still be my lovely sweet little girl but most of the time its like i have a different child to the one i had 6months ago. i'm awful for saying 'just thump her back' she rarely does it tho, usually know just pushes and says 'leave me alone!!!' on the other hand i also have a larger child, who is 2.5yuears younger than dd1 but is the same size, i'm dreadingh the scraps they will get into. but dd1 is very protective of her sister and will look after her. dd2 i think will be the one to start fights.

aloha Wed 18-Feb-04 23:07:52

Well, as long as she doesn't keep bashing your dd, I don't think you need to worry about the other kids. Most sort this sort of thing out between themselves. I do sympathise, my ds is not dainty at all, but he is quite little and his nature is not to hit and I have seen the odd more aggressive kid have a go at him (but not if I see them first ha! ). It makes me exceedingly cross if ds is bashed, but I am also aware he's had his moments too. I think if you want to carry on seeing your friend and her dd, then you'll have to keep a close eye on them together to head trouble off before it starts. But I'm also sure that your friend didn't mean any slight upon your dd when she said not to hit her. Now, you are pregnant...so r-e-l-a-x...and go to bed!!

twiglett Wed 18-Feb-04 23:09:08

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handlemecarefully Thu 19-Feb-04 10:27:52

Levanna - the other child is just 22 months old. I don't think she has the awareness to analyse your daughter and mark her as an 'easy target'...

This is how many toddlers are. Have you read 'Toddler Taming' by Dr Chris Green (Consultant Paediatrician and a father too)? In it he explains that toddlers of this age are not given to unselfish behaviour but rather, they typically act very anti-socially over a toy they might want etc - eg pushing, shoving etc. He explains that parents should point out to their toddlers that this is unacceptable, but that it might take until the child is 2.5 or 3 before this message filters through.

I would feel horrified and indignant like you if my dd was kicked in the face - that would be my first emotional reaction, and its entirely natural...(my daughter has in fact been bitten twice at Day Nursery), but I truly would try to get it into context and not show irritation etc towards the other child or her mother (as long as the mother says something to her dd).....

Try and put yourself in the other mums position - she is probably embarrassed and uncomfortable that her daughter did this to yours (even though she is not to blame - it does just happen). My own dd has pulled another child's hair and I was mortified - not helped by the censorious look I got from the other mum!

Your dd sounds lovely by the way - I wish my toddler was as gentle and unaggressive!

JJ Thu 19-Feb-04 10:42:42

I have a rough and tumble 2 1/2 year old and while I think there's a fine line sometimes between "rough and tumble play" and pure rough (iyswim), I think the child well and truly crossed it. If it had been my son I would say "Do not kick!" and been very cross with him -- or at least let him know that it's unacceptable to kick. And I've been known to say, on many occasions, "You can't play rough with xxx" as he loves physical play and while some kids do, many don't.

But I don't think an unprovoked kick in the face is play at all, in any situation.

FairyMum Thu 19-Feb-04 10:58:09

I don't know if this makes a difference to you, but I think sometimes these unprovoked "attacks" aren't aggressive acts, but done more out of curiosity. The toddler wants to see the reaction it causes when he hits someone. Of course, whatever their motive it should be dealt with, and I don't think you can pretend that hitting someone in the face like that is the same as "playing rough".
I agree with HMC, though, that you mustn't analyse the situation too much. It's just one of those less nice things of toddlerhood I think.

charliecat Thu 19-Feb-04 11:32:26

Levanna, i sympathise, my dd is small and slim and she hates all the "rough and tumble" of school, i would call it pushing and shoving myself. She could shove and hit back but she doesnt and i dont think its fair that because some kids like hitting and pushing others that the ones who would prefer not to have to suffer.
Hope your dds ok now, poor thing.
The other mum was probably moritified though, wouldnt you be if your child kicked someone in the face, i would be for sure.
And i dont think anyone kicking anyone in the face is rough and tumble even if they are little.

Levanna Thu 19-Feb-04 22:42:38

Thanks so much for your replies. You have all helped me to get this into context (well, a more managable one, at least! )
I'm really aware that my friend does find her DD difficult to deal with, so it has been really good to be able to vent my frustration here, rather than at her or her DD. I don't think blame would be constructive at all, so thankfully (hormone allowing, of course!) I'll hopefully be able to continue to support her and her DD. (I'm just not willing to do it at the cost of my DD's happiness.......
bum, and I was doing so well! - 'bad, bad hormones!' )

handlemecarefully Fri 20-Feb-04 13:01:44

Levanna

I am sure that your friend appreciates you not making her feel uncomfortable. Vent away here! - if it gets rid of the tension then great.

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