Just shouted at my 12mo for the first time- feel terrible

[mummy2lola]

Hi there, I'm posting because I feel terrible :-(
I shouted at my 12 month old dd and I'm so ashamed :-(

Lately I've been finding things extremely hard to cope with. The last few weeks I've felt on the edge of a breakdown. Dd doesn't seem to want to play with toys, just wants to climb etc, so I've created a safe environment in our dining room/playroom for that, and she seems happy. I've had OCD for years and find it very hard with OCD and dd and juggling both. I always do my OCD cleaning etc when she is asleep, so she's never deprived of time with me, but I think it's taking its toll on me. I'm too nervous to go to mum groups, don't have any friends, but this has never bothered me because I'm so busy with dd, playing, OCD etc. she's a wonderful girl, and I love her so much, she makes me melt, but yet I still feel like, although I do everything a mother should, that I'm not a very good one, and it doesn't come naturally.
I was at a point thought I had everything down to a fine art- baby, housework etc- the perfect balance.

Today, and for the last week she's been constantly crying, and I comfort her and try to distract her with toys etc. my husband works a very full week, so I spend the whole week dealing with things single handed, today it really got to me & nothing worked & I shouted out 'whaaat' really loud in her direction. I feel terrible

I just feel frustrated, trapped, lost, unconfident, down.
I've been given three different types of anti depressants, all of which the side effects were terrible, I've spoken to my Hv and nothing has come of it.
It just feels like no matter how hard I scream at anybody that I just can't cope, not a soul listens- all I get is ' you're doing just great' 'there there' and left to get on with it again.

I can't type anymore- any advice for a very ashamed and overwhelmed mum?

[gamerchick]

You need a break... everybody needs a blow hole to let off steam occasionally.

Yes your husband has a full on week but so do you.. what do you do to unwind?

[Tee2072]

Go back to the GP as you do sound a bit depressed.

And give yourself a break. And count your blessings that it's taken this long to yell at her.

[tiktok]

You are a lovely mum because it's crystal clear you love your dd and want the best for her. You have clearly tried hard to find help, too, and :( to your HV for not helping you more.

It may be that you have an early intervention programme in your area, which helps parents with mental health issues impacting on their babies and children.

There is specific therapy available that helps - and it could help you and your dd.

[gamerchick]

And constant crying can put anybody at breaking point.. Please stop putting yourself down.

[Seeline]

Don't be so hard on yourself!! BEing a parent is tough and we all shout at our kids from time to time. Any chance of you having a bit of a break - could she have an afternoon with Granny or something?
Other than that I think you really need to try and get out and about and meet other people. It would be good for you and your DD. Does she get a chance to meet and play with other children? She could be getting bored stuck on her own all the time. Not all groups are bad - try some until you find one that suits. Perhaps a more organised class-type set up may be better if you don't like the social side so much. Check your local library for rhyme time as a start.

[CakesAreNotTheAnswer]

Also, can I just say I think you might also be spending too much time one-on-one? It's good (for both of you) to just let her entertain herself a bit sometimes.

Also, it might be that getting out and about to a group would help, do you have a friend or relative who would come with you to a group to ease you over that first hurdle?

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

FWIW I found the 12 month mark extremely hard. DS was going through exactly what you describe - really whiny, really high maintenance and impossible to please. I shouted quite a bit; worse things than "What?" I didn't feel like a good mum either. I think nobody does when your child is going through a brattish phase. I found that things got a lot better really quickly after his first birthday.

I agree with others that you need to meet some other people, at least so you don't feel so alone. What about trying to meet other MN-ers, would that be an option?

[mummy2lola]

Thanks for your replies. I keep practically begging my mum for a break (she's only ten mins away) but she's not very generous with the help :-s I also don't want to moan or burden others.
Is the 12 month mark renowned for being very difficult?
My dh is good, but can't ever understand why I'm so exhausted or at the end of my tether.
I've never shouted at dd before, and to unwind I have a shower and watch a few soaps of an evening, with a glass of wine- im not so good at relaxing, even when im exhausted. Luckily she is a good night sleeper.
I'm glad you don't think Ill of me, I thought I was abnormal & terrible for this. I'm glad I shared it though and thank those for the supportive words x

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

God, no, you're completely normal! In fact, getting to 12 months with only one shouty outburst is good going. I have heard a lot of people mention a hellish phase at around 12mo.

Only other thing I can think to suggest is that you put in place a regular "you time" slot at weekends when your DH takes her and you get out of the house for a bit - even if just going to a café or for a walk. He might be a bit more understanding then

[Littlefiendsusan]

Most definately not abnormal or terrible. Just a tired mum who maybe needs to look after her own needs a little more?
It really doesn't last for ever,I promise!

[PyjamasNotBananas]

Hi just wanted to sympathise. Both my Ds' have been horrid at this age. I remember at 13 months with DS1 just breaking down on my friend and not wanting to go home to DS!

DS2 was equally as hard to please and whiney at this age still is at 21 months but I know it's all a phase and it gets better all the time.

It's exhausting being a mum and especially spending so much time with them alone. I still get bored and frustrated now.

I know you say you can't face toddler groups but some of them occasionally just to get you out the house might do you the world of good. Seeing other kids whinge and cry at this age is always reassuring too!

I take DS2 to a 'Stick and Splodge' session at the local museum every fortnight. It gets him out and he loves it even though I find it hard to socialise with people, I make myself go.

Also some time away from her might be good too. I leave the DC's at home with DH once a week when they're in bed and just go for a walk or out to meet my friend. It helps get away from the constant demands of it all. I adore them but not a mother in the world will tell you it's easy or not draining (and if they do then they're lying or have forgotten how hard the early years are!)

Hang in there, in my experience it gets better all the time. DS is now 6 and real pleasure to be around....(I NEVER thought I would say that when he was 12 months!) so don't beat yourself up and hang on to the fact that the crying won't last forever.

Also, is she teething or going through separation anxiety stage? I found both of my boys were so miserable when teething. Is she getting enough sleep? Tired babies are irritable babies.

Please give yourself a break. You're doing great. for what it's worth... I think getting to 12 months without shouting is bloody amazing!

[tiktok]

Please, people, don't minimise this...of course it is normal to feel tired, frustrated and down. Everyone can relate to that.

But the OP says she feels on the edge of a breakdown, too nervous to go to groups to the extent that she and her baby don't go to anything, and she cleans because of OCD, she is not be able to relax easily, and she feels being a mum does not come naturally....despite loving her baby to bits.

mummy2lola, you absolutely need help - you have struggled for 12 months, and you and your baby deserve to be happy together and to have, yes, the odd day when you feel frustrated and down, but not this costant battle to keep head above water. I do hope you can get the right help...maybe show this thread to your mum or your dh? When people feel lacking in confidence, they don't always get across to people who care just how bad things are, when just talking.

[Bumpsadaisie]

12 months IS a hard time. They are often grumpy as they have teeth coming AND they are trying to get going with walking.

FWIW I found 12-18 mths the hardest with both mine, so far. Though 2.5 to 3 a close contender ....!

[mummy2lola]

Thank you for the reassurance. I'm going to suggest it to dh- I think I do need just a bit of 'me time' where I can be me and not mum, OCD sufferer, wife!
Dd is amazing and she's usually a very happy baby- I know it will get easier- it's bloody hard isn't it? I think I'm stuck in a rut- I took her to one group & she loved it, but I was totally overwhelmed, but I'm going to push myself to go again!
I do a lot of walks with the pram because dd loves the outdoors & do various differing things at home she enjoys. I'm usually so patient with her, & usually inpatient at myself if the slightest thing goes wrong. I know I'm definitely not myself of late, but don't know how to get back and find myself.

[Littlefiendsusan]

If you are looking to find yourself can I recommend you read Women who run with the Wolfs by Clarissa Pinkola Estes?
Bit evangelical about this book at the moment!
www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Run-Wolves-Contacting/dp/1846041090/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1380575416&sr=1-1&keywords=women%20who%20run%20with%20the%20wolves&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Littlefiendsusan]

Wolfs?
Wolves,I mean

[mummy2lola]

Thank you- ill get that book :-)

[CakesAreNotTheAnswer]

Have you got a friendly Health Visitor? Mine was fab when DS was about 14mo and not sleeping. Very supportive and helpful, offered to put me in touch with people and so on.

It's what they're there for after all x

[mummy2lola]

Mine is aware I'm very down and find it difficult going to groups, because I get so nervous. I don't feel nervous getting out in general,mite just massive groups I find really hard. I feel like I shouldn't other her

[AndIFeedEmGunpowder]

I don't think you would be bothering her at all! Most of them are lovely and are health visitors because they want to help mums/children.

Agree groups can be hard. I go but don't put pressure on myself to talk to anyone except for smiling and saying 'hello' when I arrive and 'goodbye' when I leave. I just look on it as time when DD (also 1) can make loads of mess and play with other babies and I don't have to worry about it! She always has a good nap afterwards which is a godsend.

I hope things get easier for you. You sound like a lovely mummy

[mummy2lola]

Maybe ill do that too & build up conversation more each time. I get so worked up about going, I am actually sick with upset stomach. I'm
A mess aren't I? I feel sorry for my daughter. I'm doing my best & somehow she's happy, but I should be so much better :-(

[AndIFeedEmGunpowder]

It's a bit like first day at school isn't it? I think good questions to ask are the things that everyone can relate to: 'how old is he/she?' 'what's her name?' 'Is she your first?' 'Isn't teething a nightmare?' But as I said before, often I don't really speak to anyone.

Could you just decide to go for 20
minutes initially and then leave if you don't like it? I am always late and arrive just before snack time and singing, other people leave early to fit in with appointments/routine so it wouldn't be out of the ordinary and 20/30
mins is less daunting than 2 hours!

I think your daughter sounds so happy and it sounds like she is absolutely fine and lucky to have you. It is you who needs some tlc. This book is fab too if you haven't read it.

[VoiceofRaisin]

Poor you. You sound worn out. A crying baby can do that to the best of mothers, and you sound like a wonderful mum. If you feel at the end of your tether, or just want a friendly non judgmental voice then try calling Cry-sis on 08451 228 669 (7 days a week 9am to 10pm). They can give good advice and moral support for anyone with a crying baby. It does get easier, I promise!

[mummy2lola]

Thank you. I really appreciate all this advice so much! X

[wafflingworrier]

I would also recommend doing something separate from her just for you, it has really helped me define myself as a woman with a brain as well as a mum. which helps keep me sane and gives me an outlet to let out aggression, because there are days when I just want to scream

for me this means
writing to a convict in prison (relatively little time and effort but massive help to someone else, makes me feel great about myself)
going to netball once a week
joining a book group that meets once every 2 months

also, I try to eat stuff that helps create the happy hormone - read here for more details
www.postnataldepression.com/self-help/nutrition-for-postnatal-depression

you are not alone! keep talking to your husband about it too, try to make him understand, if you can face it let him look after her for 24 hours-night shift included- I found my husband's attitude was much more respectful after that!

don't want this to sound arrogant at all, I haven't got everything worked out by any means. just trying to offer advice. hope u had a gd day