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Competitive mum friend

(22 Posts)
mummy2lola Sun 22-Sep-13 21:20:12

I have a friend who's daughter is 2 months younger than my dd who's 10 months & all she has done since our babies have been born is buy everything I've got & big her baby up. When we chat, she ignores everything I say, or says her daughter does something more. If I say I am proud my daughter stood up for a few seconds unaided, she says hets walks across the room. I said my daughter found the stairs & apparently her daughter of 8 months can go up and down stairs independently (hard to believe)
Many a time she's said something unbelievable & if I'm at her house get family are shocked and say 'she can't do that' etc...
When she says these thinks, I feel like my daughter is behind & I feel so bad. I'm a full time mum & she works full time & leaves her daughter with family, so I feel like I put so much effort in & she belittles it. I told her my daughter could say about 5 words & apparently gets can speak French & englush. Why do people lie like this? It's beginning to ruin our friendship the lies, competitiveness & her constantly going to the ends of the earth to have everything exactly the same as me or better. I'm proud of my little one no matter how long things take her & her daughter although physically may he more advanced, I worry she doesn't know how to play, she just sits there, never smiles, isn't interactive- she just stares. How do I stop this affecting our friendship. I find myself avoiding her calls etc now because I don't want to feel negative for all my hard work. Any ideas? X

shazbean Sun 22-Sep-13 21:25:35

Mmmm, yes that's wonderful...and change the subject. She'll get the message eventually or change friends.
She won't change it'll just get worse as the children get older in my experience. Avoid getting into any discussion about it with her.
It is natural to want to talk about your child's development but these kind of people will turn anything into a contest.

AveryJessup Sun 22-Sep-13 23:00:50

The first year is stressful because there are milestones nearly every month. That gives sad people like your competitive friend way too many boasting lying opportunities.

Personally I find this kind of milestone comparing thing really tiresome and irritating so I avoid people like this. Unless she is a close friend with some other endearing qualities, I would just avoid her.

There was a person like this in my mothers' group who drove me nuts. Our sons were the only two in the group with the same birthday, which I thought was just funny but she took it as her cue to get competitive. I ignored it as much as I could but once the first-year birthdays rolled round and her DS was walking already she became so obnoxious and boring about it that I just began avoiding her.

I don't regret it. Anyone who needs to get competitive about tiny babies is just sad and needs to get a life.

BebeBelge Sun 22-Sep-13 23:24:07

Just ignore her. Your dc is happy, healthy and developing well. That's all that matters.

Oh, and by the way, she is a "full time Mum" too. She just happens to work in a paid job at the same time as rearing her dc wink

SLVC Mon 23-Sep-13 00:27:47

Hmm, yes, what BebeBelge said! Maybe she feels her friends are judging her for working and so feels the need to show off as a way of compensating? Working people put no less effort into raising their children you know..

That aside, if she's annoying you, don't socialise with her. Easy.

brettgirl2 Mon 23-Sep-13 06:28:05

Does she feel that you belittle the effort she puts in? Leaving a baby that age to work is far from easy.

If that isn't an excuse then avoid her, I also can't stand constant mindless comparisons.

SuperiorCat Mon 23-Sep-13 06:37:26

How about a passive aggressive "wow that's unbelievable!"

Are you sure she doesn't see you as the competitive one and is taking the piss with her outlandish statements?

brettgirl2 Mon 23-Sep-13 06:39:44

Yes that's what I was going to say, tbh 5 words at 10 months ime is less believable than climbing the stairs at 8 (which dd1 who crawled dead on 26 weeks would probably have managed). Not the French though, she had no time for talking grin

SatinSandals Mon 23-Sep-13 07:10:05

Shazbean has said what I was going to say. She will get worse before she gets better and the worst will probably be when they start school, you can be sure now that she will be wanting to know about your daughter's reading band! It will start to tail off about 7 years.
Either stop the friendship or let it wash over you. I find 'really' a good word, just say (in a flat tone) 'really' and change the subject. Or, as suggested 'wonderful' or 'wow' but immediately change the subject. Don't volunteer any information about your daughter. If pressed stick to a bland 'they are all different'.
Your daughter is fine, she may just be sitting there staring but they are the very ones who are taking it all in and learning a lot.

DeWe Mon 23-Sep-13 09:41:03

SuperiorCat said roughly what I thought.
You're saying competitive things as much as she is, and it sounds like you are saying them first.

georgeannaskala Mon 23-Sep-13 09:53:06

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

SatinSandals Mon 23-Sep-13 09:58:43

I have reported the spam.

mummy2lola Mon 23-Sep-13 14:08:59

Hi, thanks for the responses. I honestly don't brag first, as suggested, if anything, I now try & avoid all baby conversation. She did used to be a fab friend, which is why it's hard to break it off. I'd never slate working mums, but on this occasion she doesn't have to work & even when she has days off, spends no time with her dd at all. She's already got 2 children in their teens & half the time, they're left holding baby while she's always out or anything else except baby time. She gets annoyed when her baby doesn't sleep when she has her alone, has the life of Riley, always turning up at mine unannounced to see what I've brought, and she'll buy the same. I get a new car, she gets the same car, and everything else I buy she has a replica at home within a week of me buying it. I don't think I'm being out of order here, but how can I make her feel that she doesn't need to compete? I'm not competitive at all. It's just frustrating

igirisu Mon 23-Sep-13 16:47:32

It sounds like you generally don't like this woman, don't continue wasting your time seeing her, if she is as much of a tosser as you are making her sound surely you have answered this question yourself? Sorry to be blunt I just don't think this is a healthy relationship so it's pointless exposing your child to it

froken Mon 23-Sep-13 18:55:03

My advice is to just not get involved, if she sayd "my dd can count to 10 in spanish" just say "oh lovely, well done friend's dd" and then ask something unrelated "have you got any weekend plans" or some other non baby question. She won't just sit spouting random acheivements unless you engage in a conversation about milestones.

Her claims don't sound too outlandish, my ds could crawl up and down stairs at 7 months, he walks around the apartment (with his little push alaong toy) and he says chicken, dad and Tim in English and titta (look) and mamma in Swedish he is just 9 months.

I actually go out of my way not to talk about my ds's milestones with other mums, I don't want people to think I am boasting. I actually said "oh no he's not really sitting confidently he falls over all the time, just fluke that he is sitting at playgroup" when ds was 4 months, then the baby sat for an hour and made me look like a fool! If I see one of the babies has learnt a new skill like crawling or waving I make sure I say "wow well done baby! look at you, clever boy/girl" but I would never ask about other babies milestones.

As for buying stuff I don't think it really matters if she has the same stuff as you, stuff really really doesn't matter. Try and see it as a compliment that she likes your taste smile

NanaNina Mon 23-Sep-13 19:26:31

I reckon you should find another friend! This is so wearing. It's roots are probably in your friend's insecurity about her daughter's development. It's only "losers" that try to score points!

mummy2lola Tue 24-Sep-13 16:29:25

Exactly, I'm not up for point scoring. I'm sad in a way because she was such a great friend& so much fun before we had kids & she's changed into fiercely competitive woman x

idiot55 Tue 24-Sep-13 16:32:32

Been there and done that, just gradually move away from her, dont arrange to meet her etc.

Chottie Wed 25-Sep-13 01:21:18

Why are you friends with this woman? it doesn't sound as if you get much from this friendship. I would just smile sweetly at everything she says and just nod and say 'you must be so proud of xx'. Don't get sucked into that competitive spiral.

boredbuthappy Wed 25-Sep-13 15:37:41

Buying the same stuff says to me that she appreciates your taste, maybe even feel that she'd like to follow your leaf. Some people can't help talking about themselves and their lives. It doesn't mean they are vindictive or have another motive. If she's really getting on your nerves, then limit how much you see her and if something really really annoys you, such as turning up unnaounced, just say so as nicely as possible. She probably has no idea it bothers you. If she can't apprceciate your honesty, thrn maybe you can rethink you friendship with her. Don't dismiss for petty things though, friends don't grow on trees, especially not ones with the same age as yours! Hope you find a way to deal...x

boredbuthappy Wed 25-Sep-13 15:39:19

*lead, not leaf!

becsbornunderadancingstar Wed 25-Sep-13 15:43:56

For me buying the same stuff when she's working FT suggests that she hasn't had time to shop around, has seen that you've got something, thought 'oh that's a good idea' and bought one the same. Not that she's competing, just using your recommendation to save time on researching things herself.

The criticisms you make of her as a mother are quite strong - I'd be really surprised if she doesn't pick up on your disapproval. I suspect that what you see as boasting is actually just defensiveness. Doesn't stop it being annoying and it actually sounds like you may just have grown apart.

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