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Anyone else just want to be noticed & heard?

(10 Posts)
Clarina Sat 10-Aug-13 13:07:01

WARNING - this is a long rant but I have no one to talk to at the moment & if I can see the keyboard through the tears to type I am hoping this will make me feel a bit better...So 3 months on after an emergency c-section we have a happy & content baby & I know how lucky we are BUT every now & again I just want my husband to stop & notice ME & say the following...'wow what a wonderful woman you are - you gave your body to make our baby, i didn't acknowledge this at the time, or since, with a card or flowers or a gift whereas you wrote a beautiful card to me on behalf of our baby, you have BF for the entire time so have done every feed, day & night, you have let me sleep in the spare room since before baby was born which means I get a good night sleep, you bath the baby every night & settle him to bed, you are half way through decorating the nursery which you have done all by yourself, you are doing your best to keep on top of the housework, you have been so understanding about how hard I have had to work in my new job even when I have been completely preoccupied with it & don't listen to what you are saying because I am so engrossed in what I am doing, you don't question that I spend every Saturday out of the house playing sport' etc etc - I could go on! Instead it is like he has read a book about all the wrong things to say & this morning whilst I was BF & expressing milk at the same time (just started) he chose that moment to look up my nighty - his way of letting me know that he would like a bit of me too. The problem is if I try & express any of this, some of which is entirely accurate & fair, some of which I will acknowledge may be my own perspective, he internalises everything & sees it as me 'having a go' & we end up arguing which makes me feel a million times worse, sometimes I just want to be listened to - whether what I am saying is right/wrong/fair/unfair. I am coming to the conclusion that I just need to shut up & get on with it. I know he is doing his best, he cooks most of our evening meals, does the shopping & walks the dog, often taking baby so i can sleep for 30 minutes/have a shower (he loves doing all these jobs) but I just want some acknowledgment. I hear him tellings fibs to people on the phone about disturbed nights sleep etc when in reality he hardly ever asks what my night has been like. Anyway I think I have made my point, sorry if I sound like a selfish cow! Thanks for listening, I have settled the baby to sleep & now I will empty the dishwasher, hang the washing out, tidy up & finish painting the nursery! X

NoSquirrels Sat 10-Aug-13 14:31:35

It is tough on everyone when you have a new baby. I recognize your description of hearing DH talking about disturbed nights and thinking to myself what do you know about it!

I think your post would be better in chat or relationships or somewhere else if it's advice on behalf and development of DH you'd like advice on rather than the baby smile

But I'll say it if your DH hasn't: your body did a wonderful thing, giving birth to a baby, and you're doing a wonderful job at being a mother. It gets better the longer you do it, too. Make some time for yourself to rest alongside jobs you need to get done, that's really important in the first months. The nursery getting painted really can take second place to a nice sit down with a cup of tea, imo.

Clarina Sat 10-Aug-13 14:45:49

Thank you! I knew it wasn't the best place to post but I couldn't quite work out where was best & felt desperate!

mamameme Sat 10-Aug-13 15:35:44

Wow you are amazing! Well done. Us girls are pretty hard core i think. Men don't understand. Your partner won't understand unless you tell him, but then telling him might upset the apple cart.
You sound like you cope really well. You do an awful lot for your baby and partner.
Unless you want to tell him how you feel you just need to continue as you are but know inside that you are brilliant x

Clarina Sat 10-Aug-13 18:49:24

Thank you mamameme x

JacqueslePeacock Sun 11-Aug-13 22:50:14

Do re-post in Relationships. I think you might get a lot of advice.

Mehrida Mon 12-Aug-13 07:48:17

Well done you, you're doing a fab job. And I have a DH who sounds remarkably similar.

If you ckick 'report post' above, you can ask MNHQ to move this to Relationships.

Twattergy Mon 12-Aug-13 08:19:18

I think there are bits of this that sound a bit selfish.I don't personally believe that as women we deserve a 'well done' just for being pregnant and giving birth. Maybe forget about that and focus on what you need now to make you feel better. Things that would upset me from what you describe are the being out all Saturday to play sport, the absorption in work matters and looking up your nighty when breastfeeding. You need to discuss those with him. I'd also expect him to decorate the nursery not you. It's still early days focus on the basics of eating and sleeping (both you and baby) and levee the rest for later.

minipie Mon 12-Aug-13 14:08:32

I DO believe that women deserve a well done and thank you for being pregnant and giving birth, from the baby's father (not from anyone else).

But I agree that the bits that would bother me most are him spending every Saturday out, and never helping out at night. And the looking up your nightie (though I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that was a one off insensitive moment?)

why on earth does he get to spend every Saturday playing sport? Surely you desperately need his help with the baby at weekends so you can get a long nap/ nice bath/ time to yourself? Does he give you Sundays off in return?

qumquat Mon 19-Aug-13 10:15:45

I think it's completely unacceptable he goes out to play sport every Saturday. The rule in our house is we both get equal amounts of time off, whether from paying jobs or childcare. It sounds like in your house he gets oodles of time off and you get none. You need to discuss this with him. Now that you are expressing can he do some of the night feeds? He could be responsible at weekends if he is too stressed about work to do it in the week.

I disagree that men don't understand. They are perfectly capable of understanding, don't use this to excuse his poor attitude.

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