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I can't cope with my son's behaviour any more, don't know what to do.

(55 Posts)
mummypumpkin Thu 08-Jun-06 21:45:12

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rickman Thu 08-Jun-06 21:51:04

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utterlyconfused Thu 08-Jun-06 21:54:21

My two immediate reactions are 1) have you spoken to his teacher and 2)what is the "male" influence in his life? I really really don't want you to think I know what I'm talking about, but I have 2 boys, 7.5 and 4, and have my issues with them - although nothing like what you are going through, but I really sympathise. Hae you read "Raising Boys". Like most books, I don't htink it holds all the answers, but it might have a few ideas that you think "hmmm" to. I know there is a bit about the male role model (obviously I have no idea how frequently and on what basis he sees his father)and it specifies that this doesn't have to be the father - could be an uncle or even an older friend.
What I said about the teacher - depends so much on the school and on the teacher, but sometimes it helps just to sit down and say "Can you help me?" - they may have come across this before or even just have an insight as to what is going on inside.
My final thought is this: I have been having some problems with my ds2 and have followed various "lines of enquiry". I don't know how different it is in England (I am in Scotland) but here I could get a referral to a child psychologist via my gp - it would go first to a paediatrician, who would then assess who should see him next eg should he be assessed for autism or whatever... sit down with your gp, have a chat (and a cry) and see what your options are. I'm so sorry for you. I do know it can't be easy, but I think you can't do this on your own...

mummypumpkin Thu 08-Jun-06 22:04:30

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utterlyconfused Thu 08-Jun-06 22:07:16

speak to your gp.
My ds1 was the same - angel everywhere else, they simply couldn't find a bad word to say about him. He started to get better when he turned 6, and you are obviously past that stage.

Are you giving Omega 3's?

mummypumpkin Thu 08-Jun-06 22:08:43

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utterlyconfused Thu 08-Jun-06 22:10:03

ok.
what's your gp like?

mummypumpkin Thu 08-Jun-06 22:13:16

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Blandmum Thu 08-Jun-06 22:14:29

Do you have anyone, a friend or family, who can help to support you through this?

It isn't your fault. The first thiong you must do is to tell yourself that, all day every day to build up your confidence.

Do you think that your son is 'reading' your upset and lack of confidence in yourself and playing on it (Don't mean to be offensive, but I know that my two can be little horrors if they think I am in a 'weak' state of mind')

Talk to your GP and school and ask for help.

shrub Thu 08-Jun-06 22:15:40

there is a really brilliant book, with an awful title called 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' by adele faber and elaine mazlish. their website is here
one of the few books that i would say saves the sanity. it was a real revalation to me when i found this book (its been mentioned lots on mumsnet) rather like learning a new language but once you begin to use it in practice it can be so rewarding - life changing stuff!
Hang in there - remember you are doing your best and so is your ds1 x

edam Thu 08-Jun-06 22:20:35

Is he modelling behaviour towards you that he's seen from his dad?

Whatever the cause, I think you need help to sort this out. He's obviously capable of treating people with respect but chooses to behave very badly when he's alone with you. GP sounds like a good place to start. Could GP refer you to an ed psychologist?

Blandmum Thu 08-Jun-06 22:21:42

agree with Edam. Does your son see his father treat you the same way?

mummypumpkin Thu 08-Jun-06 22:24:09

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coppertop Thu 08-Jun-06 22:24:45

Have you noticed any particular triggers for his tantrums? In supermarkets, for example, does he dislike the noise, the lights etc?

It's fairly common for children who are difficult at home to be angels at school. It doesn't necessarily mean it's something you're doing though. It might be an idea to start keeping 'evidence' of the behaviour. Keep a diary of what ds does. It may help you to find a pattern or even just act as record that you can show the school/nurse/GP.

edam Thu 08-Jun-06 22:25:46

Well, I know loads of people with babies who say cranial osteopaths help. No idea with bigger kids.

mummypumpkin Thu 08-Jun-06 22:27:17

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mummypumpkin Thu 08-Jun-06 22:36:00

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shrub Thu 08-Jun-06 22:48:17

Mummypumpkin - I promise you it is the very best. You will never need to look at another parenting book again! I've also read most of them though had shied away from this one as it sounded and looked like another american issues style book. But I kept hearing so many good things about it. I would give you my copy but I still need reminding especially when I am so sleep deprived at the moment. Also re. cranial osteopath, I take my ds1 (6 years)to one who is highly recommended and specialises in children, when I took my ds to the first session he ran around the room and hid under the treatment table, the guy just got under the table with him talked to him, put him on my lap and (it seemed) made tiny movements/manipulations around his head and back over the course of an hour and during that time my ds1 surrendered - he even fell asleep in my arms and then slept for 4 hours when we got home. he did the same during the next 3 treatments. i have no idea how it works but it did. ds1 still goes for top ups once/twice a year when he gets to fizzy and can't wind down. if you live near devon i could pass on details?

Stargazer Thu 08-Jun-06 22:50:19

Mummypumpkin - sending you loads of cyberhugs. I know exactly how you feel - this sounds exactly like my DS (now 10½). We had an awful time with him from about 6½ onwards - and were eventually referred to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Heatlh Service) where we (all of us) were seen by the child psychiatrist. After several meetings my DS was diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyper activity disorder) and attachment disorder.

He was prescribed Concerta XL and also saw a child psychologist (initally three times a week - they deemed his case very, very urgent - dropping down to twice a week, then once and he's been discharged since January).

While no means an angel, DS is now much, much better. His overall behaviour has improved enormously (I think this is down to the combination of medication, me learning all sorts of behaviour techniques, and DS growing up). His school work is so much better now that he's back in mainstream (was expelled twice and went to a special school for emotional & behavoural difficulties - which helped a lot). DS still has support in the class, he still sees the psychiatrist (although not as often) and we still have days when I think I have "Damien" living in the house with us.

But things can improve with help. Talk to your DS's school and see if they can offer suggestions, ask about referral to CAMHS (they often have long waiting lists), see if the LEA has some form of support for parents (my old LEA offered some parenting courses - which did help) and see if social services are able to offer any sort of help.

I know it's hard work - but I hope some of this may be helpful to you. And I do understand how difficult and isolated and frustrated you must be feeling - hugs, Stargazer x

KTRmummyof3 Thu 08-Jun-06 23:18:53

often children's frustrations about life come out in all sorts of ways...and usually to the nearst, trusted and dearest. At the end of the day you have (and always) will be there. He is pissed off. He IS taking it out on you. And yes, you still love him. I tell my 5yr boy that "sometimes you are hard work but I do love you" My middle and most challenging! Don't give up after 2/3 days. This could take a bit of time and alot of hard work and tears from all the family. But at the end of the day you acknowledge this, and you can do it. Working along side professionals from your local area and really using family and friends it will be possible. There has been alot of good advice, take it in and see. Could this possible be about accepting a 'differnece' and a possible labeling?
Good luck!

Tortington Thu 08-Jun-06 23:19:09

the kid is good at school - so despite you being adament you've tried everything, i suspect your not doing it properly or following it throuhg.

you seem to know allt he techniques. i favour doing nice things and completely ignoring them when they are naughty. withdrawing my attention, eye contact, requests for things etc.

it sounds like your kids such a brat that you cant keep to a discipline method long enogh to make it work.

the kid wants your attention - thers the source of all your motherly power.

Blandmum Fri 09-Jun-06 07:22:29

Just a though, how much of a routine do you have? If he is OK in school, which will have quite a structure to it, would he be happier...and better behaved with a fairly strict routine at home?

I find that my kids become more of a PITA when we are on holidays and the routines slip. I think that kids like routines.

Just one thing. Don't repeat things 15 time. Say it once, say it again with a warning, and then follow through instantly with no discussion *at * all. Oh and pick your battles. Don't try to sort everything at once , it is just too bloody overwhelming.

Pick the one thing that pisses you off most. Lay out the rules and stick to it 100%....it will be farking awful, but whatever happens, stick to it. When that one is sorted, move on to the next.

Hugs to you, it sounds grim. Please let us know what happens.

Littlefish Fri 09-Jun-06 07:33:54

Good advice mb.

grumpyfrumpy Fri 09-Jun-06 07:48:36

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tigermoth Fri 09-Jun-06 08:07:54

just a quick thought, I have two exciteable sons and one of my surefire ways of getting them to calm down at home, especially the younger one (nearly 7 years) is to take them out for a runaround at the park. If I didn't have that release valve, I would sometimes really lose it with them. I also know they would get very frustatratd and naughty if they were around the home all day and not going anywhere. I also find that a change of scenery often changes their mood and I can enjoy their company more.

If you have reached a point where you never take your son out, I think this may be contributing to your sons's problem behaviour at home and your angst with him.

If I were you, I'd make a big point of telling this to any professionals you speak to. In
my opinion, you are missing a vital dimension of life together and this is part of the problem.

I also think you need to be very specific about what your son does at home - how you react, what you want from him - specific occasions. If you can bear to be more specific on this thread, it might help, but don't feel compelled to open up if you don't want to.

I am rushed for time, but will come back - take care x

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