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End of tether with ds(8) answering back/ nasty attitude

(35 Posts)
ImNotBloody14 Wed 17-Jul-13 19:29:30

Ive had enough- i dint know how long we've been in this rut of behaviour but ds2 is picking up on it and im having panics about being in this situation in 10 years time with 2 utterly rude and disrespectful teens. It needs to stop now.

Ds speaks to me and ds2 in a horrible tone as if we are shit in his shoe. If i ask him to do something he whinges, moans, refuses, asks why ds2 cant do it or why should he have to, then he'll snap and tell me he hates me, storm to his room slamming doors. Ive tried the counting to 3 (1,2,3 magic) but that basically gives him two free shots at being nasty or refusing ti co-operate. So now i give him one chance. If there is attitude or refusal i tell him he does it or X trip is cancelled, Y toy is being removed or that he' going to his room. He'll say fine i dont care and go to his room himself. Its not working. I feel like all i do now is say ' dont speak to me like that' or ' watch that attitude' which just illicits a filthy look from him.

I need help.

AppleCrumples Wed 17-Jul-13 20:33:16

I wish i could help but can only say that my ds1 (9) is exactly the same and has just been sent to bed early due to his horrible behaviour. sad

It would be ok but his 7 yo brother is also.behaving badly ussually egged on by ds1. Is hard aa he can be lovely and just had a glowing report from school sad

Sending support and wine and hoping someone with more actual help and advice comes along soon

ImNotBloody14 Wed 17-Jul-13 20:40:18

Thank you apples- yes we also had a great report from school too. Ds was also sent to bed early tonight and i came down crying because it's his birthday tomorrow ( he is 8 tonorrow) and i feel like he will be waking up with horrible mood/feelings on his birthday but i couldnt let bad behaviour go just because its his birthday. He got upset today because i said he couldnt have his present today and whinged that ds2 had his early in may. Now ds2's birthday was over the weekend that they were at their dads so yes i did give him his present before they left as otherwise i wouldnt see him til 3 days later. So j felt bad for saying no to ds1 and gave him his present which was a game for the ps3 an the. When it cane time to wind down for the bath/ supper he refused to put the game away ( and there is equipment+ toys that cone with it) so ive told him he cant have the game til friday now which means he cant play with his present on his actual birthday. Im just getting this all wrong.

Ohhelpohnoitsa Wed 17-Jul-13 20:56:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImNotBloody14 Wed 17-Jul-13 20:58:14

No- i banned HH about 4 years ago when i realised how really horrid he actually was. He watches things like iCarly, victorius and spongebob

AppleCrumples Wed 17-Jul-13 20:58:59

I know that feeling well! I always just try to treat each morning as a blank slate and think.dcs do too so chances are he will wake up and only think of the birthday rather than be bothered by what happened today!

Ds1 recently told me he wished we could spend more time together as he is oldest of 4 i am aware i maybe ask for more help from him rather than just spending time with him IYSWIM. Although that said he is ussually still up when the rest are in bed so.. confused

Is he tired maybe? End of term and all that? Or has anything happened to.unsettle him recently? All mine have been acting out in one way or another since dd2 arrived 6 months ago.after a difficult pg (a whole othe thread)

ImNotBloody14 Wed 17-Jul-13 20:59:51

I will see if i can get jo frost programme on demand.

I know i wasnt like ds when i was young but i cant think what mg parents did that kept me respectful

ImNotBloody14 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:03:11

I am in NI. And term finished at the end if june. He has been to summer scheme every day for 2 hours to keep a bit of routine but he has had a few lates nights and he stayed at his dads last night who doesnt really beleive in bedtimes hmm. I donttjink anything has happened to upset him. The only changes in the last few months is that he started staying over at his dads and i started back to work but ds seems happy about both these things.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 17-Jul-13 21:05:14

He might be wielding a power of sorts, cheeking you, but he is having a crisis of confidence and reacts by taking it out on you like a tantrumming toddler.

Does he feel so hard done by, any recent changes, a house move, parent relationship issues, a new partner or arrival of baby step- or half- sibling?

Could it be he is either comparing home life to his friends' and thinking it falls short, children start to get materially aware younger nowadays, or he is having some tough time himself - bullying? friendship issues? which he then lashes out about at home. Not much you can do about him feeling shortchanged but you can try sounding him out in a quiet moment.

The sitting side-by-side in a car with no direct eye contact tactic is often a very good moment to share confidences.

With DS2, keep him onside, don't make the mistake of demonising his brother to him, but let him know that DS1 will lose out by his temper tantrums and we all feel cross sometimes but don't have a go at others.

AppleCrumples Wed 17-Jul-13 21:05:23

Spent so long typing x posted!

Hope you're feeling better imnot. I thinj it always feels worse when it just happened and you find yourself going over things in your head.

Also so agree about downward spiral! I try to ignore as much as poss and focus on other dcs or something to distract so we don't end up constantky shouting and punishing etc.

Ps just checked ds1 who is asleep! Earliest bedtime for ages and beginninf to suspect his behaviour is linked to tiredness!

youarewinning Wed 17-Jul-13 21:06:54

I personally don't like icarly etc. We don't have it as no Virgin but the recent hot weather has seen DS watching TV when we visit friends etc.
I have just discovered where all this calling everything and everyone 'stupid' etc comes from and noticed it mainly the kids who watch it.

Sounds like your doing everything they advise, ignoring, praising etc.
What's he like at his dads?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 17-Jul-13 21:08:37

Spent so long writing this and doing a ton of other stuff, x-posted.

Has his dad upset him? Does he take the mickey out of him, tease him? Some dads aren't very clued up about young boys' confidence, they think they enjoy a joke and push too far. It might account for why DS1 is taking it out on you and his younger brother.

AppleCrumples Wed 17-Jul-13 21:09:17

Ah maybe he doesn't feel as secure as he might have you believe? Agree with donkeys who sounds wonderfully sensible! smile

< off to find Jo Frost>

ImNotBloody14 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:11:07

Another issue im having is him interupting conversations. Whether that be ds2 talking to me, my mum talking to me or someone ive stopped to chate with in asda. When he does it i say " excuse me DS, i am speaking with X just now, please wait until we have finished talking and the. You can speak to me" but he still does it even after ive sai that and today it happened and later on he told me i made him feel left out- i was speaking to the cashier in asda! I explained to him that he was interupting which is rude and that i didnt mean to make him feel left out but that sometimes a conversation is only bewteen two people.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 17-Jul-13 21:12:53

Is he protective of you, OP? In a strange sort of way, is he throwing his weight about, trying to be the man of the house? Sorry just chucking ideas around.

EndoplasmicReticulum Wed 17-Jul-13 21:15:16

Are you me?

My 8 year old is exactly like this. It's the tone of voice, slamming doors, attitude - yes to all of those.

He also does the interrupting thing and it is not possible for me to have a phone conversation in the same room as him.

Mine is lovely at school too.

He doesn't watch TV at all really, much prefers computer games (Minecraft mostly), so I can't blame TV.

ImNotBloody14 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:15:45

The first or second time ( cant remember which) he stayed at his dads he played up and his dad shouted at him then exp phoned me to ask what to do, then whilst i was on the phone ds asked to come home- he was in tears so i went to collect him. Once he was settled i told him that he must learn to get on with his dad and that he cant come back here everytime he gets punished at dads ( he was sent to his room there- whixh is what i would have done) i dont really know what exps parentig is like a we never parented together but i dont get the inpression there are any problems. In fact im going to call him now and ask how da has been with. Him recently.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 17-Jul-13 21:16:36

You can make a special fuss of him tomorrow, tell him privately you still love him when he's naughty (or a PITA or however you want to phrase it!) but he's much easier to love when he's the good boy you know he can be, (ditto).

8 is still quite little, he's the eldest so of course he's maturing faster but underneath the bravado he's trying out a bigger badder facade.

EndoplasmicReticulum Wed 17-Jul-13 21:18:01

Mine doesn't respond at all well to teasing. So I try not to. I try to remain as calm as humanly possible under the circumstances!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 17-Jul-13 21:18:04

Pressed Post Message instead of Preview, grrrr!

...underneath the bravado he's trying out a bigger badder facade which isn't really him to mask something else.

ImNotBloody14 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:20:02

No ds doesnt take teasing well at all- he can be very sensitive.

I dont think he is protective of me at all- there doesnt seem to be any 'man of the house' thing hoing on- it's always just been me so he hasnt really had the example of a man of the house.

Lagoonablue Wed 17-Jul-13 21:21:12

My 7 yr old DD is the same. I agree it all spirals downward because she never backs down and apologises, just gets herself in a state.

I wish I knew the answers. We mete out punishments but they have no lasting impact.

Interrupts, is cheeky, shouts at us, answers back, ignores us, talks to us like is very depressing. She is an angel at school.

lastnightidreamt Wed 17-Jul-13 21:22:01

Very good thread! I have a DS (8) who is behaving appallingly at the moment. The only thing that keeps me going is that all the parents at school say their boys are the same. Could be a hormonal thing?

We have not had a great teacher this year, which I think has left them very unsettled - she jumps on them for nothing, and then is sweetness and light. (rather like me blush)

I am fed up with using punishment as the only way of controlling this anger he seems to have - it doesn't work, so am going to have a think of a positive way of tackling it instead.

I like donkey's idea that dad's teasing could be winding him up - I think there's definitely a point there.

I do find that the more time I spend with him one-to-one, the better he behaves. Last night was just the two of us and he was brilliant. It's not always easy to achieve though.

ImNotBloody14 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:26:03

Btw- i dont think his dad is teasing him- he hasnt said anything although how can i know what he's not saying? Maybe he thinks i'll just take his dad's side?

ImNotBloody14 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:26:36

Im glad im not the only one getting this sort of behaviour

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