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How do I restrain my DD?

(19 Posts)
AllDirections Fri 12-Jul-13 22:01:57

My 6 year old DD has terrible tantrums and I've heard on here about restraining children to protect themselves and others. She's the height of an 8 year old and very strong. How do I safely restrain her so that she can't hit, kick or bite me? How long would I need to hold her? Do children always calm down once restrained or can it make them worse?

RippingYarns Fri 12-Jul-13 22:03:43

do you know why she has these tantrums?

my DD has them if she's had sensory overload, if i tried to restrain her she'd never calm down

AllDirections Fri 12-Jul-13 22:09:26

It's usually because of some perceived injustice in her life, she wants more sweets, someone told on her, she needs to come in from playing out, she has to wait 5 minutes for help with something, etc.

Last weekend she had a mega tantrum because she lost a life in the game she was playing with DD2 and some other kids.

RippingYarns Fri 12-Jul-13 22:11:33

i really wouldn't advocate restraint at all, not without being highly trained

have you sought out any other type of help or solution to her kicking off at you? is she like it at school/with other adults?

AllDirections Fri 12-Jul-13 22:15:18

She's only like this with me and her sisters.

I won't restrain her then but I'm just not sure how else to keep us all safe. Or how to calm her down sad

RippingYarns Fri 12-Jul-13 22:16:24

i'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible when you want to protect your family from a sibling

what happens if you put her in a time out situation?

ForkInTheForeheid Fri 12-Jul-13 22:19:27

There would be safe ways to do this if it was the only safe thing to do as a last resort. However, it would be totally reckless to take the advice of someone on an internet forum on how to do it. Anyone trained in child restraint knows that you never show an untrained person how to use a technique, I would imagine this is x100 when it is described rather than demonstrated!

Do you have any support you can turn to about her behaviour? Is it just at home or school too? I really feel for you OP, it must be horrendous, but I think you probably need to seek some RL support on this one if you feel your only option is physical intervention.

RippingYarns Fri 12-Jul-13 22:23:20

am totally with Fork here

if it's got so bad, after exhausting all other avenues available, it's time to get some professional guidance for you all

your GP or school nurse might be a good place to start

and don't think anything bad of having to do that, i went to my own GP a few years ago as we couldn't manage 4yr old DDs behaviour, and that was me, DH and adult DS sad

we found the reasons for this, know a lot more about her triggers and thankfully life is more manageable for us all

AllDirections Fri 12-Jul-13 22:24:29

She won't stay in a time out and that's when she's not in a full blown tantrum. When she's in a full blown tantrum there is no communicating with her at all in any way. It's like trying to control a wild animal.

Last weekend she attacked DD2. I saw it all happen but by the time I got across the garden she'd already punched, slapped and kicked DD2. I realised then that DD2 is scared of her and she's 12!! I picked her up under my arm and took her inside where I said she had to stay to calm down. She was intent on getting back to DD2 but because I wouldn't let her she attacked me. I ended up smacking her sad

I do need some help but would school be any help when she doesn't behave like that there?

ForkInTheForeheid Fri 12-Jul-13 23:35:21

If she's not displaying this behaviour in school at all I think your first port of call should be your GP. It's not because you're incapable or even struggling, it's to help a little girl who is responding to her emotions in an uncontrollable way to manage them and maintain relationships with her loved ones.
It may be a phase that passes, but in the meantime seeking help can't do any harm and may help you reach a solution. I wish you the best of luck.

Goldmandra Fri 12-Jul-13 23:47:57

Sometimes children need restraining when they have lost control and are causing serious danger to themselves, other people or property. It is a very last resort and should be used with minimum force and for the minimum time.

It generally makes children angrier so isn't a good method to reduce the length or ferocity of a tantrum.

You can ask Social Services to refer you for training in manual handling. I am waiting to go on a course at the moment and I was referred by a family support worker.

You should probably keep a behaviour diary, noting the lead up, trigger, details of the meltdown and what worked to calm her.

AllDirections Sat 13-Jul-13 07:42:09

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I thought restraint was a way of safely holding a child so that they would feel secure and calm down. I got that wrong so wrong, it's a good job I came on here and checked.

I'll keep a diary and then go to the gp. Do I just record when she has the tantrums or other unacceptable behaviour too?

I am incapable and I am struggling with DD3. I have no support and I just feel like phoning social services to come and take her because I don't have the strength to deal with it anymore.

RippingYarns Sat 13-Jul-13 07:53:06

Hi there, I'm glad you've come back to thread, OP

I've been where you are, it's heartbreaking.

Starting today is would keep a diary detailing everything. You don't have to go into minute detail but record as much as you can not just the behaviour. That way you will catch the build up, it will be easier to see if there is a pattern to it all.

Sometimes seeing it written down helps us gain a new perspective and we recognise enough to help ourselves but it will help your GP decide how to help you too.

Goldmandra Sat 13-Jul-13 15:50:55

Record all incidents of behaviour which is difficult to handle or concerns you in any way.

When recording incidents of unacceptable behaviour ensure that you record what behaviour management strategies you use and how she responds to them.

The first port of call for professionals is often inadequate parenting and a lot of people are sent on parenting courses. It helps if you can show that you are consistently using appropriate strategies.

Kleinzeit Sat 13-Jul-13 17:07:33

I found the only safe thing I could do for my DS’s extreme tantrums was to walk away and leave him (in a safe place) to calm himself down.

As other people have said, I would talk to the GP. If your older DD is actually scared of her, then your DD needs help. Good idea to keep a record of your daughter’s difficulties and any unusual behaviour. Also talk to the school - does she have any difficulties there, not necessarily tantrums but anything else? Sometimes kids who are struggling manage to keep in it at school but they let rip at home.

(It probably wont do any harm to go on a parenting course if you get offered one. Parenting courses aren’t all about inadequate parenting -- well I suppose some are, if the person running the course is a bit rubbish, but not the ones I’ve ever been on! Parenting courses can also be about making the best of a difficult situation until other help kicks in. The parenting course I went on while I waited for my DS to be assessed – we sat on a waiting list for months!- gave me a lot of support for the approach I wanted to take, as well as some bright ideas that I wouldn’t have come up with by myself – though of course we didn’t have MumsNet in those days smile)

And if you haven’t already, try having a look at Explosive Child Was very helpful for us.

PolterGoose Sat 13-Jul-13 17:08:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goldmandra Sun 14-Jul-13 09:21:06

Thank you Kleinzeit. You're absolutely right.

I don't have a problem at all with parenting courses as such. They can be really useful if the trainer knows their stuff but bloody frustrating when you know more than the trainer as happened to me once.

Any suggestions of strategies for managing situations can only be helpful as, even if your child has additional needs, it is still basically down to you to manage their behaviour.

However, a large number of parents are made to feel that their child's difficulties are a result of ineffective behaviour management and that can be very hard to take on the chin when you are on your knees and at your limit of coping.

I know that it makes sense to check parenting skills as part of any assessment process but it isn't always done as sensitively as it might be.

hm32 Sun 14-Jul-13 10:06:54

I'm guessing you tried the ignoring the tantrums thing, so she progressed to hitting/kicking so you couldn't ignore her?

I agree you should see the GP or ask the school for help. The school can assign you a family support worker, and if you get a good one, they're fab. Have completely turned around the lives of a family at our school.

In the meantime, I'd say this. We're all mammals, and our behaviour all follows these simple rules. If a particular behaviour brings something that is perceived by the one performing it as good, it will be repeated. If that behaviour SOMETIMES brings something good, it will be repeated even more often than if it always does so. If it NEVER brings something good (or brings something bad), it will be repeated less and less until it is no longer repeated at all.

Now the above is known from years and years of scientific research, across many mammal species including humans. The tricky thing in humans, is to work out what a child is getting from a specific behaviour. Is it attention? Release of stress (esp true for ASD children)? Their own way? Whatever they don't like stopping? Control? While you're waiting for help, try to figure that out. Then see if there's a way you could remove the 'good' consequence for your child when she performs that behaviour. Alongside that, can you reward the correct behaviour profusely? So the bad behaviour gets her nothing, the good behaviour gets her lovely things (time, praise, sticker chart for physical reward...). You have to match the two so her needs are met (why she's doing this), and so she learns to meet those needs in a positive way.

AllDirections Sun 14-Jul-13 19:23:17

Ignoring the tantrums has always been the best way to deal with them and that's what I do as long as DD3 isn't putting herself at risk, hurting anyone else, destroying stuff or bothering people.

I don't ever give in to her demands so you would think that she would realise that having a tantrum is not the best way to get what you want. I know all the strategies for behaviour management (I used to teach parenting courses!!) I don't think DD3 has tantrums to get attention but I do think it's a way for her to release stress. I already reward good behaviour.

I think I will have a word at school and see if we can get some help.

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