Am I a bad friend?

[Rantingqueen]

Hi,

Am feeling soo stressed out at the moment!
I have 2 DD's aged nearly 4 and nearly 3. I am also 33 weeks pg with my next one. I have spinal problems, so find being pg is quite tough.

My problem is with a friend of mine. She has a 2 year old DS. Her husband works full time and she also works. DS is usually in nursery or with her mum. (I'm dont have a problem with that, it's her choice).

The problem is that she keeps asking me to look after her DS who is a handful at the best of times. And she wont take no for an answer. The other week she asked me to have him today, to which I said that I was sorry but wouldn't be able to do it. Well, today she just turned up and pushed her DS thro the door saying he's come to play. Fortunatly, I was doing some serious nesting and had stuff everywhere so I repeated that I could not have him. And she had to take him home again (she was intending to just leave him).

I feel like a cow but I just cant handle an extra child at the moment. My time is so precious with the girls and I am soo tired as it is (DH works away so am coping on my own).

The thing is she keeps heavily hinting that she wants me to have him reguarly. I know everyone is different but I personally would not ask someone in my position to look after my v.naughty child. And it is really stressing me out that she keeps asking me. I hate to let people down and have often been taken advantage of because i'm too soft.

I suppose this is just a general rant. But would really appreciate some feedback.
TIA

[NotQuiteCockney]

WTF? Does she take care of your DDs? Why does she think she can just dump her kid on you?

I don't understand why you'd ever put up with this? Is she using you as unpaid childcare while she works?

[Pennies]

She's the bad friend IMO. In fact, is she a friend at all if she's off loading her nightmare DS onto you wihtout a thought for you "in your condition". Cull her.

[Posey]

Completely out of order IMO. She's using you. Dump her.

[TooTicky]

Say that your midwife has said that you need to rest for the sake of the baby and your health. Any decent midwife would certainly advise this, especially if she knew the situation. Or don't answer the door. Look after yourself and your little ones - you don't need this stress!!

[ScummyMummy]

Oh my goodness. You are SO not being unreasonable. That is outrageous. It sounds like you will have to just keep saying NO very clearly though. Don't let her hints go unanswered- say "look, I cannot look after your boy. I cannot handle an extra child at the moment. Please don't ask me again." Every single time until she gets it. Is she a good friend otherwise?

[WideWebWitch]

She's being totally and utterly unreasonable and you need to stand your ground imo. A good friend would be offering to help you, take your girls so you could get the odd break, asking if there was anything she could do, etc. She is absolutely taking the p - I'd drop a friend who persistently did this to me. Is it possible she's a bit scared at being alone with her ds, doesn't know what to do with him? If I was feeling extremely generous I might consider that but mostly I'd be telling her to bog off.

[apronstrings]

yep.. in agreement with everyone - you stick to saying no till she gets it.

[poppiesinaline]

that she would ask in the first place!!! If she was a good friend she would be able to see how you were struggling and offer to help you. Agree with everyone else. Stand your ground.

Poor you btw. You must be totally exhausted.

[SoupDragon]

She's not a friend.

[essbee]

She's not the type of 'friend' you need.

[Caligula]

She sounds a bit of a loon, tbh.

I think I'd do a pre-emptive strike, and next time she turns up or phones, demand that she look after your DD's. Don't give her the chance to ask you to look after her's. And then every time you see her, ask her. She'll soon get the message.

[Rantingqueen]

Thanx for all your quick replies.

I am a chicken when it comes to standing up to people. What I failed to mention is that my friend lives on the same estate as me. I feel very much that she wants me to be the unpaid childcare for her DS. Even tho they have a lot more money coming in then we do (being only single wage family).
Thing is I am the other way around. I seldom get a break from my girls, and that's my choice. I love spending my time with them and couldnt palm them off as much as she does.

Other than this problem she can be very nice, and we get on really well. However, she has never looked after my girls and I wouldn't expect her too. But that is the problem she expects me to. And in the past I have felt obliged and looked after him reguarly. It was a nightmare everytime.

I make myself quite sick worrying about it, getting stress headaches feeling ill. I know it's stupid but i've tried politetly to tell her I cant be her unpaid childminder. What Do I say to get it through to her?

[WideWebWitch]

If you really can't tell her, can your dh/dp tell her? Or hide behind your doctor, tell her s/he said you need to take it easy.

[Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads]

Not a bad friend a mad friend - she is taking advantage! You should register as a childminder and charge her!

[Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads]

or alternatively could you just be out a lot until she gets the message?

[Rantingqueen]

WWW- I was thinking about telling her that my midwife wants me to rest. I just dont like being untruthful. I know,I know, i've either gotta tell her straight or tell her a fib. Midwife is due around on thursday, perhaps if I tell her how stressed out it's making me she'll tell me to rest and then i wont have to lie!

What am I like!

[Rantingqueen]

Jimjam- Another good idea. Tried that a few times but DD1 keeps opening the door to her.

I dont have a car and live on top of a big hill, so getting out with a buggy at the moment with my aches and pains is not easy.

[EmmyLou]

I'd say ditch the friend but it does sound like she doesn't pick up on the massively obvious clues such as you being pregnant, 2 kids already, dh away lots - so I think she's 'not all there'.

I had a slightly (?) loopy friend once and at a vulnerable time (dd1 toddler, BIL just died) she just refused to take my calls and hung up on me if I tried to talk to her. Never saw her or heard from her again. I knew she was prone to irrational behavior and I'd been warned but it was hurtful nevertheless. Distance yourself as much as you can - DO lie about Dr and MW advice as she sounds like the kind of blinkered person who is unable to interact with others effectively. No normal person would act this way. Even a supremely selfish one would be more subtle!

[Hoopoe]

eh? what is she thinking??? bang out of order i say!!

[saadia]

Ranting... you are just too nice for your own good. She is expecting far too much, you mustn't feel bad about this, just tell her that you can't cope with looking after her ds as well as your own kids.

I know it's easy to give this kind of advice, I would probably be the same as you and feel guilty etc but to put yourself under too much strain and stress is not good for your health.

[Tortington]

why not have a break early evening? tell her - you will take hers for a couple of hours if she takes yours - so you can get things done - or just sit down for a bit.

see what she says?

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

She's definitely a loon.

[nightowl]

rantingqueen, its probably an odd question but has she always worked since having her ds (im presuming so)? im not sticking up for her actions, i too think she's totally out of order. but i will admit that before i found myself at home with a toddler i had absolutely NO IDEA of how exhausting it could be. i thought sahms had it easy. when friends would tell me about their bad day with the little ones i used to think "yeah, whatever, try being at work all day then see how tired you are". now, after doing both i can safely say that work is easier! could it be that she honestly doesnt realise? perhaps you could organise a day out with all the kids somewhere so she can see how much you already have to do or ask her to have yours one day and see what her response is. sympathy, i have had a similiar problem and im such a big wuss when it comes to saying no!