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can someone offer me some advice about fightings siblings before dh and i divorce

(11 Posts)
nailpolish Sat 03-Jun-06 13:17:34

dd1 is 3 and a half and dd2 is 1 and a half

they fight CONSTANTLY

its really getting me down

if one has a toy, the other will grab it

if one is walking past the other, she will get shoved over

i am so at the end of my tether i take it out on dh (and vice versa, but hes not around mon-fri) and also im worried us arguing (loudly) will upset the dd's

mostly i would like to know, will this end only when dd2 gets a little bigger and stronger? she cannot hold her own, dd1 knows this and bullies her

she walks and talks very well (for her age) but she is no match for dd1

i dont play with them anymore, i spend every second breaking up fights

Pinotmum Sat 03-Jun-06 14:11:19

I have a 5.5. yo and a 3.5 yo. They can play really nicely together or fight likes cats and dogs. I have an egg timer which I use for taking turns. When the sand runs through it's the next persons turn. It's working at the moment thank god as they have been arguing over the trampoline. I will be interested in others suggestions as sometimes I lose the will to live through another row.

SoupDragon Sat 03-Jun-06 14:12:44

DSs are 7 and 5 and they still fight a lot of the time... They can also be loving and play really nicely with each other.

oops Sat 03-Jun-06 14:26:32

Message withdrawn

juuule Sat 03-Jun-06 14:27:38

Keep reinforcing manners. Tell them it isn't a nice thing to do. Take the toy off the one who grabbed it and return it to the original owner. Tell the grabber to ask and if the owner refuses then that's the way it is but let the owner know that it's nice to share but they don't have to. I don't allow snatching and grabbing. Most of all try to stay calm (I know, ha ha ha) and not take the frustration out on dh although you could ask him to do his share of refereeing.
Carry on playing with them. Play games which mean taking turns. Might not last long but keeps up the message that we can't have everything we want right now.
As for pushing over, make 3yo go back to where she was and walk nicely past 1.5yo. Or just say firmly that it wasn't a nice thing to do.
Distraction is a good one, too.
And I sympathise completely, it's maddening when it goes on and on and on.

willow2 Sat 03-Jun-06 14:36:04

I do feel for you - you've got one child just entering the "terrible two's" and one working her way towards the other end of the cycle. FWIW, this is pretty normal behaviour for kids of this age - not that that helps - but it's worth focusing on that fact. If you get into that vicious circle of thinking that your kids are just a nightmare then you won't be best placed to help them to change their behaviour. Are they both behaving badly to get your attention? (And remember, even being told off can be better than being ignored at that age - toddlers don't really differentiate between good and bad attention, it all counts on the attention-ometer!) You need to get back in to playing with them and put some fun back into your lives (easy for me to say, I know) because tension just breeds trouble. Pick your battles, ignore bad behaviour hwere possible - whatever you do, every time there is an incident make more of a fuss of the daughter who's being picked on than the one who is, at that time, doing the picking. Also, maybe try time outs for your older daughter. If you haven't already read it, Dr Christopher Green's New Toddler Taming has a load of really sensible advise, plus he has a sense of humour and accepts that nobody is perfect! Might be worth getting a copy (keep it by the loo... I know this was the only time I ever got any peace when DS was that age!) Also, I know other mums who've found "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" really useful too. Haven't read it myself though, so can't recommend personally. Good luck.

nailpolish Sat 03-Jun-06 16:08:32

thanks for all your replies

have to get off the compute as dd2 is waking from her nap

thanks so much again

np xx

nailpolish Sat 03-Jun-06 16:10:31

but just wanted to add, dd1 is most horrible to dd2 when she thinks im not looking, when i leave the room etc (but sometimes i peep round the door or through the window when they are in the garden)

she has always been brilliant at sharing, she does this to get my attention

"look mummy i gave dd2 one of my toys"

sometimes doesnt make sense

nailpolish Sat 03-Jun-06 16:11:37

does this mean she is jealous of dd2? i try my hardest not to always seem to be on dd2's side

argh

juuule Sat 03-Jun-06 16:16:28

You've got to protect dd2, though haven't you? Another 6months and she'll be blobbing dd1 back.
That should put a stop to some of it and if dd2 is like one of mine was then you'll have to step in and protect dd1.
If dd1 does it more when you're not looking at least she knows she shouldn't be doing it. That's got to be a good thing.
"This, too, shall pass" that's my mantra

nailpolish Sat 03-Jun-06 16:34:22

thanks

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