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DP think this is a step too far for 7yo tomboy DD 2

(83 Posts)
sweetkitty Sun 23-Jun-13 16:18:20

DD2 who is 7 1/2 has always been a tomboy since she had a preference. She now dresses like a 7yo boy right down to her underwear. We made her wear a dress to DD1s communion (a black plain dress) and she hated it, she was so uncomfortable in it.

Anyway they have a school disco tomorrow I took them all shopping today, DD2 did her usual dash to the boys section and chose a boys checked shirt and a pair of navy blue chinos.

DP said its too far, she should not be dictating to us at 7 what she wants to wear. I had a conversation with DD2 and said you do know the other girls will have nice dresses on, you might feel left out. She said no I won't. She's very strong willed and knows her own mind.

I'm quite happy to buy her boys clothes and let her wear them as long as its what she wants, everyone at school knows she's a Tom boy and have accepted her.

I think it may be a bit more than just being a Tom boy as she has said things in the past about wishing she was s boy and wishing she had a winky like DS but I don't get hung up on it I just let her be herself.

Loads of other people always try to reassure me that its a phase and shell turn out a very girly girl like I'm worried. If she turns into a dungaree wearing lesbian ill be yay as proud of her maybe more so for being herself.

I'm happy for her to wear the checked shirt, DP is not hmm

DonutForMyself Thu 27-Jun-13 13:04:49

I can understand if it were a wedding or something, that you might want to have some say in what your DCs are wearing and that they might have to accept a particular dress/suit as it is part of the day and will be photographed etc, but otherwise I think 7 is more than old enough to have a say in what you wear.

I think its great that your DD is not buying into the pink sparkly tat that we are expected to lap up for our DDs. Mine wears hand-me-downs from the DSs quite often and I much prefer her to go out playing in combats and t-shirts rather than impractical (and usually pale coloured) girly clothes.

She has boys' shoes for school/nursery most of the time because they are so much more practical. She moans if they have footballs or dinosaurs on because her friends will make fun of her, but then when she gets the little toy inside she's generally ok with them (and has dry feet throughout the winter - she gets 'girly' shoes for the summer term and just wears boots if it rains!)

FWIW I also wore a lot of boys' clothes as a little kid, my mum loved me wearing dresses and pinafores and dressing like a little mini-me of her, but there is a tape recording of me one Christmas when I was nearly 3 squealing "I got trousers!!!" over and over because I was so happy! I now wear jeans most of the time, but will put a dress/skirt on sometimes and always have make-up/hair done, so not a complete tom-boy any more!

amazingmumof6 Thu 27-Jun-13 13:35:41

wedding, christening, funeral, Christmas-do, Sunday clothes for church etc - it would be my choice what she wears, or she could choose from what I think is appropriate.

rest of the time - and school disco falls in this category - I couldn't care less. my 3 year old chooses the most odd combos, I let him be.

my kids are happy with that balance. they understand that sometimes I want them to look smart for the occasion (and for me) and accept it

school disco -pfft. let her wear what she wants.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Thu 27-Jun-13 13:57:20

I can understand that your DH just wants to protect her from being teased etc, would he read this thread? It might help him be a bit less stressed about it?

It is good that you are both happy to let her be herself - what will be, will be. I hope for her sake that she gradually starts to be happy being a girl (she doesn't have to embrace pink and dresses!) and doesn't feel like she should be a boy anymore - simply because that is a very, very hard path to tread - maybe that is what people are trying to convey when they say 'she'll grow out of it' - think of it as them reassuring you that her life might not be that hard.

zipzap Thu 27-Jun-13 20:53:20

Is there any reason why she has to wear a dress for her first communion?

If she so does not like to wear dresses then why not get her something else? I can't believe that there is a diktat that first communions will only work if you wear a dress as plenty of little boys have them and don't wear dresses.

Could she not wear a nice white shirt, smart pale chinos and say a little white waist coat or something more along the lines of what the boys would wear that she would feel more herself in (well to the extent that all of them feel a bit different as they are wearing an outfit they'd never normally wear, it's a special occasion with all eyes on them etc grin).

GrimmaTheNome Fri 28-Jun-13 10:06:07

>I much prefer her to go out playing in combats and t-shirts rather than impractical (and usually pale coloured) girly clothes.

oh yes. Our first foray into the 'boys' aisle was when I had that lightbulb moment that mud stains really don't come out of those things - khaki trousers reduce the detergent/stain remover bill! wink

vacantStation Tue 02-Jul-13 18:17:05

Hello sweetkitty

Some children go through phases where they play at being the opposite gender and this can be a powerful phase. I remember HATING dresses and feeling really out of sorts in them, I used to want to have a boys name and pretended that i had a winkie too!. A Friend of mine has a little boy who has been desperate to be a girl. He was 6/7 at the time. This went on for about 6 months.

A colleague today mentioned her 6 year old who said he hated his willie and didn't want to be a grown up man with a willie, he wanted to be a girl.

My DH describes HATING being forced to wear dresses as a child. He can't even talk about it and all traces of his original gender have gone. He has been male for 17 years, legally for as long as The Gender Recognition act has been around. (2004) and is very happy, good career, we lead an entirely ordinary (boring) life and hardly anyone knows his gender history.

He transitioned at 15 after puberty tipped him into massive crisis.

What i am saying is your DD is really young. Watch the space and perhaps let her dress how she wants. If she gets mistaken for a boy/teased etc. It'll either get her conforming which she'll get comfortable with, she'll not be bothered about what other people say, or she'll conform and be really uncomfortable. The third scenario is the one to worry about most.

She's only 7, seee what happens over the next few years. There is lots of support out there for gender dysphoria but she is really young at the moment.

If you really feel like you need specialist addvice, contact 'Mermaids' They are an organisation attached to the Tavistock and Portman that support families with children with Gender Dysphoria.

You sound really great actually. I'm sure you'll suss it out.

vacantStation Tue 02-Jul-13 18:27:40

Just to add before I get shouted down by the Mumsnetters!! I am not for a minute suggesting that your DD has gender dysphoria, I am only citing DH as an example!!

There was a great advert for lego from the 80's that was floating around on F/book a few months ago. The kid in the picture was holding a lego house she had made. She was wearing dungarees and a stripey jumper!! That was me in the 80's!! You never see adverts like that now.

Your wilful child is expressing her preferences which are quite sensible for a 7 year old!! The extremes of boy and girl (clothes/toys etc) are he product of socially constructed notions not usually innately driven inclinations which advertisers would like us to believe! But you know that anyway smile

Tigresswoods Tue 02-Jul-13 22:27:13

Hello Sweetkitty I think you may have posted about your DD before & I may have commented then.

I'd go with what she wants if I was you. I dressed like a boy & defined myself as a "tomboy" until I was 12/13 when suddenly something kicked in & I enjoyed being a girl. I'm never going to be a really Girly girl but I do now love dresses & wear pink often.

I think my issue back then was girls just seemed so weak & I didn't want to be that. As some have suggested find some great female role models who are strong women for her. Also there are girls clothes which are less feminine & could look good & make her not stand out as much.

And if this isn't a phase no matter what sort of person she grows in to I'm sure she'll be just fine. She sounds great! grin

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