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DP think this is a step too far for 7yo tomboy DD 2

(83 Posts)
sweetkitty Sun 23-Jun-13 16:18:20

DD2 who is 7 1/2 has always been a tomboy since she had a preference. She now dresses like a 7yo boy right down to her underwear. We made her wear a dress to DD1s communion (a black plain dress) and she hated it, she was so uncomfortable in it.

Anyway they have a school disco tomorrow I took them all shopping today, DD2 did her usual dash to the boys section and chose a boys checked shirt and a pair of navy blue chinos.

DP said its too far, she should not be dictating to us at 7 what she wants to wear. I had a conversation with DD2 and said you do know the other girls will have nice dresses on, you might feel left out. She said no I won't. She's very strong willed and knows her own mind.

I'm quite happy to buy her boys clothes and let her wear them as long as its what she wants, everyone at school knows she's a Tom boy and have accepted her.

I think it may be a bit more than just being a Tom boy as she has said things in the past about wishing she was s boy and wishing she had a winky like DS but I don't get hung up on it I just let her be herself.

Loads of other people always try to reassure me that its a phase and shell turn out a very girly girl like I'm worried. If she turns into a dungaree wearing lesbian ill be yay as proud of her maybe more so for being herself.

I'm happy for her to wear the checked shirt, DP is not hmm

TrucksAndDinosaurs Sun 23-Jun-13 16:20:26

Part of the fun of a disco is dressing up in clothes that you like. I think she should absolutely wear the trousers and shirt; it's who she is and what she likes and is perfectly suitable for dancing and socialising in. smile

Tee2072 Sun 23-Jun-13 16:21:30

Tell DP that at 7? She old enough to know what she wants to wear and just because she doesn't fit his stereotype of a 'girl' doesn't mean he can dictate to her.

Good for her for knowing what she likes and not caring what others think.

GwendolineMaryLacey Sun 23-Jun-13 16:22:30

I agree with you. At 7 she's old enough to have an opinion on what she wears. It sounds like she'd hate a dress and therefore have a rubbish time and never wear it again so it's a complete waste of time.

Sounds like she knows her own mind and is confident in her choices. She sounds great. go with it smile I assume your DH is worried about her catching The Gay as everyone says on here wink

Beehatch Sun 23-Jun-13 16:26:28

Sounds exactly like my 6yo DD. She no longer possesses a dress or skirt in her wardrobe. I have gently steered her towards less definite boyish clothes for best - still boys clothes, but in pale pastel, small prints. In fact I think she looks lovely, and what is more important she feels comfortable.

We do keep her hair shoulder length bob, but she is still often taken for a boy, which pleases her no end.

She seems entirely unswayed by peer pressure, doesn't seem to give a stuff what other girls wear.

tribpot Sun 23-Jun-13 16:27:48

I think you've done the right thing - reminding her she may look a little different from the other girls so she doesn't get there and realise everyone else is dressed like a bloody princess - but reinforced the fact she can wear what she pleases. Why on earth shouldn't she 'dictate what she wears'? It's her choice.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 23-Jun-13 16:28:10

I remember wearing smart jeans and a (horrible!) blouse from Tammy Girl to a school disco once. I bet the other girls won't be wearing dresses at all anyway, she won't be the only one in chinos.

Morgause Sun 23-Jun-13 16:29:14

I applaud any girl who eschews pink and glitter.

TrucksAndDinosaurs Sun 23-Jun-13 16:31:20

I always went to festivals, gigs and raves in trousers! Much more comfortable for dancing.

Being made to wear a dress would just make me hate them more at age 7.

SupermansBigRedPants Sun 23-Jun-13 16:32:46

I dress my dd in a mix of boys and girls but she looks better and feels better in joggys/jeans/bright trousers rather than dresses and cardigans, she's 8 and has rarely worn dresses since age 4.

I think allowing your dd to be herself is much more important than conforming to dh's ideals and as for catching the flipping gay <roll eyes> every woman in the world has at some point wore trousers and a shirt as a child and we still manage to pro-create in heterosexual relationships alongside every other way angry

Arcticwaffle Sun 23-Jun-13 16:34:16

My 13yo dd1 is still, and increasingly, choosing boys' clothes and shoes and hairstyles. She looks quite androgynous. She's very happy and floats through secondary school like this, with lots of (admittedly rather quirky) friends.

11yo dd2 also will wear boys' clothes as well as girls. But would never be mistaken for a boy.

Neither of them wants to be a boy but they like the no-nonsense practicality which is often found in boys' clothes. I know a few girls like this. There's one at the youth group who my (themselves quite androgynous) girls are absolutely convinced must be a boy but is clearly (to adults) a girl - the name is a givaway but my dds are convinced that "Olivia" is actually a boy.

I'm rather proud of my gender-bending girls. Adult women wear jeans and checked shirts or combats and t-shirts all the time, I certainly don't waft around in pinafores and sparkly shoes etc so I am quite sympathetic that they don't want to.
I have dd3 who at 9 is more typically girly but even she won't go near dresses or pink.

sweetkitty Sun 23-Jun-13 16:37:49

No DP is not afraid of her catching The Gay, his BF is gay and he would be cool with her being gay if indeed she is (and he still has two princesses) he loves the way she is different as well.

I think he feels she may be teased maybe from older kids about being dressed as a boy.

She sounds like me! I was exactly the same til I hit 11. I was run over and had pins so couldn't wear trousers. I had to lend dresses from friends and hated it.

Tell your DP to leave her be. She wont be the only one dressed like that

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Sun 23-Jun-13 16:41:04

This is about cutting hair but I think it has a relevance to clothes

"The question why I would LET Willow cut her hair. First the LET must be challenged. This is a world where women, girls are constantly reminded that they don't belong to themselves; that their bodies are not their own, nor their power or self determination.

I made a promise to endow my little girl with the power to always know that her body, spirit and her mind are HER domain. Willow cut her hair because her beauty, her value, her worth is not measured by the length of her hair.

It's also a statement that claims that even little girls have the RIGHT to own themselves and should not be a slave to even their mother's deepest insecurities, hopes and desires. Even little girls should not be a slave to the preconceived ideas of what a culture believes a little girl should be. More to come. Another day."

kelda Sun 23-Jun-13 16:41:25

Good for your dd. would your DP rather she went in a neon yellow boobtube with glitter on her cheeks?

I wouldn't have made her wear a dress to the communion.

Will she making her own communion next year? I hope she can choose what to wear. There was a child at my dd's communion who wore linen trousers, matching jacket and a white shirt. She looked lovely. I would much rather that then the 7 year old who made her first communion wearing lipstick and mascara.

HotheadPaisan Sun 23-Jun-13 16:44:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzpig Sun 23-Jun-13 16:49:36

I think she should wear what she wants! smile

sweetkitty Sun 23-Jun-13 17:18:48

Yes she will make her first communion next year. She said at DD1s it wasn't for her.

We have compromised that she will wear a very plain white dress, no tiara but a white hair band and she will take it off straight after the church, for the afters she doesn't want anything so we are just having a family meal out.

I love her for being her and not caring what anyone else thinks, it's a shame that people are so quick to comfort me that they or someone they know was a Tom boy and they grew out of it so I'm not to worry.

rednellie Sun 23-Jun-13 20:35:46

I think you sound like a lovely mum and neither her nor your DD or DP have anything to worry about. She sounds great.

Glenshee Mon 24-Jun-13 00:57:36

Tricky one. It's all about the balance...

I had similar preferences myself when I was a child. I had to wear a school uniform dress to school (there wasn't a trousers option for girls), but other than that it was impossible to convince me to wear a dress, or a skirt, or anything girly really. I had short hair, and dreamed obsessively about being, or pretending to be, a boy.

Aged 10 or so, I met a boy who I felt very attracted to, and we became friends. When he asked me what my name was, I blushed and said: "I'm a girl..." - and it felt like the end of the world. I desperately wanted him to never find out.

Still, I remember vividly a brown skirt with large pockets from my childhood which I really liked, because it was so practical and not at all limiting (like some girl's clothes are). Large pockets were very useful! Dresses had to wait longer - I only started to wear them after I turned 30!

I now have a 6 year old DD who also dislikes dresses and skirts. She asked me why I 'made' her to be born as a girl (not fair!) She likes to wear boys clothes, and she likes being rough. She does want to keep long hair though, prefers nighties to pyjamas, likes nail varnish and earrings (ears not pierced yet but I am running out of excuses to delay it much further!) Interesting mix.

I think generally you are right to support your daughter and to love her for who she is. For a child, being in control and feeling comfortable in their own skin has a direct impact on their self-esteem and confidence. Yet for their development I think it's important for young girls to be exposed to, and try (if at all possible) a variety of styles. It opens more opportunities and makes life so much easier when you're an adult. Your girl knows what she wants, but it's your responsibility as a parent to give her what he needs. If she's anything like me as a child, she needs a lot more attention and help in style and beauty department than an average girl, not less.

Perhaps you could offer her some girl's styles that match her personality statement better than the boys department can? Not right now, and not instead of the clothes she has chosen for disco, but when the time is right... Camouflage and khaki represent strength, roughness and power. By wearing animal print you can show courage, and be wild and bold. Here are some suggestions that could work:

- Camouflage Jacket
- You Only Live Once T-Shirt
- Love is Forever T-Shirt
- Skort (shorts/skirt hybrid)
- Girls khaki trousers
- Animal Print Parka
- Tiger Dress

In terms of the celebrity sort of role models, you might want to introduce her to:
- Pink (very tom boyish, and yet look at her dress in Just Give me a Reason; and
- Carly, the blond girl from Street Dance movie.

Hope it helps. Feel free to PM me if you wish.

freerangechickens Mon 24-Jun-13 03:15:19

This is exactly like my 7 year old DD. Except for the underwear part. All she does is wear her older brother's hand me downs, and refuses to wear anything else, and goes on and on about wishing she was a boy. The only thing she ever wants to do is play sports, and she's actually really good at them. So much so, that even the high school coaches (we're American) have shown an interest in her. I think this actually helps her, as the boys accept her as one of their own, because she can more than hang with them in every sport.

I ALWAYS worried about her, and her not being accepted, because she has no interest in the girls, and she's only wanted to be with the boys. I have to admit, I wouldn't know what to do with a "girly girl", but she's far more than your average tomboy. This year, I just decided not to worry about it (or to try, at least) and discovered that she's fine. She genuinely doesn't care what the "mean girl" crowd has to say about her, and they lost interest in being mean to her after a day or two, because when they were mean, she told them that she didn't care what they thought, and had no reaction and walked away, and they've never bothered her again. There are several parents of boys that are her friends that tell their boys to not let anyone pick on her, and they've all said that they won't, but except for once, nobody has ever picked on her, and she was fine taking care of it herself.

I often worry about her and the future, thinking that we're in some sort of protected bubble from reality, but things are going really well for her. I actually envy her self-confidence many times. I'm truly grateful that we live where we do, because people of all ages seem to accept her and think she's cool, she's even got friends that are 3-4 years older than she is at school that actually come and search her out, and she's got girls at the high school (Years 9-12) that know who she is, and she's allowed to sit on the bench for different sports.

I'm glad to see all of you on this thread, it makes me so glad that DD isn't alone, and that there are so many supportive, proud parents out there.

freerangechickens Mon 24-Jun-13 03:36:02

Ok, I tried to ignore, Glenshee, but what style needs does a 7 year old have?

BrianTheMole Mon 24-Jun-13 04:05:36

Why dos she need girls styles offered to her glenshe? When she's happy with the clothes she wears already? Its perfectly fine to wear boys clothes, she doesn't need to be encouraged back into a more masculine version of dresses, just to get her to wear them in the first place.

LunaticFringe Mon 24-Jun-13 05:08:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LunaticFringe Mon 24-Jun-13 05:08:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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