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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

What to do when someone's kid is mean to your toddler?

40 replies

cheeseypeas · 30/05/2006 22:34

Second plea for advice tonight!!!

In the kids corner in the library today, this older child (3ish) really upset my 13 month old. He was shouting 'No' at him (right in his face) and grabbing and shoving his hands out the way when he went to play with the pile of toys this boy had. It kept happening as it was a very small area and there wasn't really anywhere else to go. My DS evertually started crying and seemed realy confused and upset. He mixes with allot of other kids but not as old as that. He even tried to offer this boy a toy which he took and then shouted at him again. His mum bearly said anything and didn't intervene. What's the best thing to do in that situation? I know its the kind of thing that happens allot but it was the first time I've seen another child be intentionally mean to my baby and the look on my DS's face really made me feel bad!

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LadyCodofCOdford · 30/05/2006 22:34

i d quietly tell kid off

katiebl · 30/05/2006 22:38

I yell at them (possibly not the best action but it pisses me off and parent always nowhere in sight). The best thing I have heard suggested is to take them over to their mum and tell her what they have been doing. Or tell them off and tell them to go over to their mum to tell them what they did. Hopefully the mum will be embarassed enough to take action. Try to remain calm as the mum will probably take it better then.

bogwobbit · 30/05/2006 22:38

Think I would do the same. Tell him off but in a 'nice' way if that makes any sense. He's just a little kid himself but obviously old enough to know that behaving like this to a littler kid is out of order.

bogwobbit · 30/05/2006 22:39

katie - that depends on the mum. With some people they'd be more likely to give you a slap across the chops than be embarassed.

cheeseypeas · 30/05/2006 22:42

The worse thing was his Mum was sitting right behind me! What would you lot have said to this boy? (Sorry, sound very naive!)

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bogwobbit · 30/05/2006 22:44

I think what Calista said on the other thread is the sort of thing I would say to the boy. Stern but not unkind. Make him feel like a 'big boy' who is grown up enough to be nice to little ones.
It is difficult when you see someone be nasty to your 'baby' no matter what age he/she is though - I speak from experience :(

Piffle · 30/05/2006 22:48

As the mum of a 3 yr old I keep a very close eye on her and if she shows any behavious like that (which is pretty rare) I sit her away and tell her that child is a baby and you need to let him play too.
this works with my bf's 11 mth old who is into everything dd gets out - it frustrates her, but if it were my 13 mth old I'd take him away and if it was my 3yr old I'd not let him get that far into it...

cheeseypeas · 30/05/2006 22:53

I wish I had said something like "play nice, he's only a bady", but I just felt so uncomfortable with his mum, a total stranger in a library, sitting right behind me but I actually feel worse not saying anything now.

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cheeseypeas · 30/05/2006 22:53

baby even

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bogwobbit · 30/05/2006 22:53

Don't worry about it - maybe you did what was right for you at the time.

madrose · 30/05/2006 22:55

been in that situ - similar age DD, I ask the child not to do that, 'excuse me please don;t do that, thats not a nice thing to do' in quite a firm - but calm voice. I then sit next to my DD and glare at other child, gives my DD security that I'm close at hand, sometimes I try and distract the older child, not easy when you just want to tell them to @* off.

Mind you I have been know to snatch something back off them when they've snatched it from my DD - so grown up or what

Why do some parents do nothing - and it tends to be these parents who have crap kids.

My brother use to tell the kids off quite meanly and if the parents said anything - he would glare and say yeah with attitude! but he is 6 foot tall.

cheeseypeas · 30/05/2006 22:56

Also, I still find this kind of 'etiquette' really confusing.

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Feistybird · 30/05/2006 22:57

Don't beat yourself up over it Cheeseypeas, it's not until something like this happens to you that you can 'arm' yourself with some suitable responses. I used to want to swat the little buggers myself.

You're armed now tho so next time....

cheeseypeas · 30/05/2006 22:59

Good to know that most of you would tell the other kid off. Will feel more confident about that next time.

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misdee · 30/05/2006 23:05

not sure i agreee with glaring at a child tho.

hazlinh · 31/05/2006 10:27

gosh this happened to me and my 2.4 yr old dd last weekend and i was too embarassed to ask mumsnet what to do.

i was stewing with anger with three kids (all siblings) who were at least 5 yr to 8-9yr olds, and i ended up getting down to their level, and yelling at one of them saying "Did you buy the house? No. Did your mother buy the house? No. Do you know how to share? Shame on you. Pick on someone your own size"

(This was at one of those toy houses in Ikea)

I felt embarassed for having scolded the kid, but honestly they were extremely mean to DD, blocking off the houses, and yelling "I don't want to play with her! No, you can't come in!" and pointing at her and laughing at her.

What I really felt like doing was smacking all of them.
and the stupid mother and bloody grandmother was just SITTING RIGHT THERE AND BASICALLY DIDNT GIVE A SHIT!!!

GRRRRrrrrrrrrr

hazlinh · 31/05/2006 10:28

ok, maybe i didnt yell. maybe i said in a timid kind of voice. cos didnt want the mother and g'mother to yell at me !!

blueshoes · 31/05/2006 11:17

Cheeseypeas, I would definitely tell the child in a firm tone that he is being naughty and scaring the baby. If I was particularly annoyed with the mother's inaction (as I would be, depending on my level of hormones), I might even ask him where his mummy is! And I can get quite bolshie, if necessary. Great example for my dd, yeah right!

FillyjonktheSnibbet · 31/05/2006 11:27

I have a nealry 3 yo ds and a 10 mo dd so I see both sides of this! (though the 3 yo is actually very good with babies-he has it drummed into him consantly )

I would not shout at the kids. I think that is normal 3 yo behaviour, they are still very little themselves. I would deffo feel like shouting at the parents!

I would try to show the child how to play with my baby, because tbh that is probably what they are trying to do. I would also liberally interpret their actions eg "oooh, look, ds, the little boy is showing you the toys". Even if that was clearly crap, IME putting a good spin on strange kids behaviour generally makes them behave a lot better. If it got bad I would say "Oh dear, ds is getting sad/frightened/whatever, we can't play any more until he feels better", and pick him up.

I honestly don't think 3 yos are normally mean. Ds is always pushing the boundries with dd, because he needs to know how to treat her. But I didn't see what happened, obviously.

Also think its a good idea just to say eg "don't shout in his face, you'll scare him. Talk nicely..." then lots of praise for doing it well.

Securlurking · 31/05/2006 12:21

I hinestly have no problem with talking to other peoples kids. I think that it is better to have the other parent getting at me than to have my children upset - and, as yet, it has not happened (maybe I will change when it does though lol).

This weekend I had a kid in the park lining up to play on the "death slide" ds and dd lined up in the queue but he ran up shouting "I'm going to play on that, I'm going first.." and jumped in front. I just told him that no he was not, he had to queue like the others and he would get his turn if he went to the back. He didn't comply so I physically blocked him from groabbing the swing and handed it to the other children, making a big fuss, asking if they wanted a push and ignoring him.

THen his turn came (where it would have been if he had queued) and he jumped in again, I told him no, he hadn't joined the queue so he had missed his space. He then joined the back of the queue and waited. When his tur came I ddid the same for him as the others - big fuss gave him a push etc.

His Mum was a few yards away and kept screaming XX STOP BEING A TXXT.

After that the kid followed me for a while, showing me all the stuff he could do etc, and was really proud of himself.

Later on he tried it again on the death slide with another parent there, I was close by and called "don't forget to take your turn like before" he joined the queue and came to me after and said that he had queued up - I told him excellent, I am glad you are having so much fun.

The mother came to me later (I was standing close by) and said "He has ADHD" I said, he is a lovely kid.

Everyone went home happy.

I knwo he was older than 3 but I think the same rules apply, some parents can't/won't/don't control their kids but I am not going to allow that to ruin my childs fun, I am always calm and apply the same rules as I would use for my own children at that age (eye level, clear, quiet etc) if the parents complain my stock answer would be "well why don't you do it then" (confrontational I know but hey - I love a good fight )

Beanburger · 31/05/2006 18:28

Hi, I have been reading Mumsnet for a long time but have never posted before but.....

When faced with similar situations I try to speak to that child in the way that I would hope another adult would speak to any of my children if they were misbehaving and for some reason I hadn't seen & dealt with it.

handlemecarefully · 31/05/2006 18:34

I have no qualms about telling off other children - in a firm but fair way (i.e. I try not to be too heavy handed, I want the other child to 'stop' not to burst into tears because I've overdone it)...So far, I haven't had an irate mother harangue me for reprimanding her child...

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handlemecarefully · 31/05/2006 18:38

Actually today I told off a little boy (around 6 years old) for walking on the track of a minature railway....(it may be miniature but the train was plenty big enough to seriously injure him had it been on its' way)

"That's very dangerous, stop that now" I said a trifle severely perhaps (he looked a bit shocked bless him).

Busybody I am - but I did have his best interests at heart.

anchovies · 31/05/2006 18:50

A similar situation happened to me recently, ds (2) was playing with a toy and accidently shut another slightly older boy's (maybe 3?) finger in it. This other boy then pushed ds over, and punched him about 3 times before I could get to him, poor ds was sobbing, more petrified than hurt though. All I did was make ds apologise for trapping the little boys finger by accident. The boys mum saw the whole thing and came over and hugged her son and glared at poor ds. Ds is now scared to death of babyclinic and I am left wondering whether I should have said something?

FillyjonktheSnibbet · 31/05/2006 18:54

welcome there beanburger! like the name!

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