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Problem with dd - doesnt want mummy

(10 Posts)
ronnieb Mon 29-May-06 19:25:14

I wonder if any one can give me some advice.
My dd is 27 months old, and is the light of my life, but just recently she doesnt want me any more, just daddy.
Daddy only works 3 days a week, and the 3 days that hes at work, she is lovely, we play together (im a stahm). but the other 4 days has become hellish, as everything I try and do she pushes me away and only wants daddy to help her.
Eveything from helping her down steps, to cuddling up, every time i try to get close, she physically pushes me away, and sometimes even says 'go away mummy.'

I am not jealous of dh and dd relationship, its great that they are so close, and I know that dd is to young to understand how hurtful she is being, but I have been in tears about 3 times today, and feel so totally rejected, and wondering what I have done to turn her off me.

Unfortunatly DH is very slack on discipline, he gives her tons of 'final' warnings, but never carries the punishment through, I am the one who always puts her in the naughty corner (very rarely, as she is only naughty when tired, and starts kicking the dog), but after the 1 minute, and I call her back into the lounge, to try to talk to her, she runs straight to dh who cuddles her.
DH also refuses point blank (pretends not to hear her screams) to go to her at night, and she screams at least once per night, as I settle her down again she is screaming , I want daddy, I wonder why I bother to go to her, when she doesnt want me... and she has no hope of daddy getting up to go to her at night.
I am the one who buys her toys, clothes, takes her out to groups, suggests days out, DH doesnt ever buy her anything

Im wondering, as Im always the one who disciplines her, that she actually thinks that im the nasty one.

I never had a decent relationship with my own mum, I never felt that she really cared for me, and I really dont want dd to feel the same way about me when she is older.

Please can anyone tell me if this is normal behaviour, and give any advice on how to deal with the situation, I dont want my little girl to dislike me, and its really starting to effect my relationship with her, as I am starting to give up, if I suggest something to her then get rejected, im starting not to bother, because the rejection is just too hard to bear

Thanks for taking the time to read

nannyjo Mon 29-May-06 19:31:38

i have the same with my DS too but i'm sure it's just a phase they go through. i too am the one who discaplines him but i think they respect that for you in the near future cos they know where they stand with you.
With regards to your DH not respecting your discapline proceedure, you need to speak to him about it. Ask him to follow it through with you and use it himself if he needs to. He needs to support you in that or your fighting a losing battle.

I know it's hard for now but try to ride it out and stick with what your doing. Try not to let her see she is making you unhappy as its probably her way of getting a rise from you which is VERY common at her age.
Good luck.

nannyjo Mon 29-May-06 19:32:22

sorry i mean discipline. doh!

threebob Mon 29-May-06 19:40:06

Using your logic about the discipline she would want you in the night because you are the one who always comes.

Your problem isn't with your dd, it's with your dh - he only works 3 days a week, but doesn't get up at night, he has no idea what clothes or shoes whe needs and never takes her anywhere.

Suggest he goes to work 5 days a week, either by going out to work, or doing a proper 2 days at home with all the nasty bits too.

gingernut Mon 29-May-06 19:47:54

IME it's normal behaviour. My ds1 was very extreme in rejecting me in favour of his Daddy, and I felt totally rejected just like you. I am the disciplinarian too so I did wonder if that was part of it. It did affect my relationship with ds1 I think, because like you I started to wonder why I was bothering in the face of such consistent rejection, but he's now 4.5 and is so much better with me so it seems it was just a phase. He still hero-worships Daddy but he's fine with me now. ds2 is 18 months though and is just entering this phase. Having been through it once I'm not feeling so offended this time, although it is still infuriating at times. BTW I'm a SAHM too - I think maybe I'll try and get myself a job so I'll be appreciated a bit more at home!

Agree with nannyjo re getting your dh to back you up on discipline and trying not to rise to it.


pesme Mon 29-May-06 19:49:28

my dd is the same. the minute dh turns up or anyone else for that matter she doesn't want me to help with anything. it is a novelty thing. she does love you you are her mum. but get your dh to smarten uphis act.

FloatingOnTheMed Mon 29-May-06 19:51:49

I read somewhere (I think The Seven Stages of Motherhood by Ann Pleshett Murphy but I could be wrong) that around age 3 children do go through a phase of only wanting daddy. soemthing to do with oedipal (think that's the right word?) complex & all that i think. So don't worry, I'm sure it's just a phase. Just let her know you're still there for her and try not to let her see she's hurting you (ie that you trust that she still loves you). My dd is 2.9 and i'm a single mum so very much the centre of her world still, but i have noticed that she makes a beeline for my boyf & my male friends whenever we see them, it's interesting to see her relate to them differently than to my female friends!

FloatingOnTheMed Mon 29-May-06 19:53:53

oh and about the discipline - he needs to get in line with you by the sound of it, important that you're both consistent with her! and fwiw kids actually really want & need those boundaries, so don't back down on your discipline iykwim, she will need to know you will still stand firm, it'll help her feel secure.

ronnieb Mon 29-May-06 20:26:18

thankyou for your replies, im really glad to know that this is yet another phrase... hopefully it will get better... and I know that I need to give dh a kick up the butt.

threebob Tue 30-May-06 01:42:23

Personally I'd go out a lot and enjoy not having to be the centre of the universe for a while.

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