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1 good twin, 1 evil twin!

(23 Posts)
Ilovemyself Sun 19-May-13 15:33:17

We have 15 month old twins, one boy and one girl. Our boy is quite sensitive and easily upset. Our girl however, is quite domineering and pushy.

She will push and hit her brother and always wants whatever he has.

We have tried telling her she is naughty and she just laughs, we have tried telling her to apologies to her brother ( or whoever she has just hit or stolen from) and she seems to do it more so that she can cuddle whoever she has hit.

When she is being good she is a dream, but that is become less often. She has always been the dominant one but lately she has got more so.

Everything thing else about our twins is fantastic. They sleep through, they go to bed easily, they eat anything they are given.

Can anyone give us some ideas on what we can do? I think she is too young for a naughty step or corner so am really starting to struggle to come up with a solution.

BabiesAreLikeBuses Sun 19-May-13 16:41:23

I have b/g twins, much older at 5 and diff personality wise but at this age girl dominated. I agree too young for naughty step, i also don't like using the word naughty for 1 year old as they don't comprehend it, i stuck to no and ignoring. Really ignoring, no attention or eye contact.
Reading between the lines-and i may be way off - it sounds like she may be bright and bored? At this age i found if i tried to stop at home for long mine were a nightmare. It is prob no consolation telling you she'll grow out of it, but at 2 my son was a pusher/hitter/grabber, got away with it by being bigger than other kids... After broken record technique his teacher tells me he is one of the least rough they have..
Congrats on the food and sleep, makes a huge diff!!

Ilovemyself Sun 19-May-13 19:14:58

She is definitely bright. We try to get out whenever we can, and when we can't using flash cards and playing as much as we can with them.

The trouble with ignoring her is that her tendencies are towards her brother and quite often are violent. And we daren't leave her near our 3 month old.

FieryChipotle Sun 19-May-13 19:19:28

I could have written your post word for word - right down to the ages! I don't have any advice (hence watching with interest) but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone!

My b/g twins are so different. She dominates every situation and he is incredibly shy and sweet natured and (literally) lets her walk all over him. I guess it will prepare him for a lifetime of women...

BabiesAreLikeBuses Sun 19-May-13 19:33:23

Good grief, a baby as well.. You deserve a medal! In that case i would go for removing her from the situation and would maybe consider time out, esp if she is bright enough to get it. Is she maybe vying for attention?
Interestingly my daughter talked early and planned the mischief but made him carry it out at the age you are talking about.... The balance shifted once he started to talk himself and physically he has always been the stronger one.
I would look at it from a safety angle... With physical attacks on your others she needs removing.... Few words, just no and maybe 'we don't hit' and really praise her for being kind to the others as this is what you want from her in the long run. Good luck!

CreatureRetorts Sun 19-May-13 19:52:26

No she won't get time out - or a naughty step. She's tiny!! Even if bright, she's still very young.

Have you shown her how to be gentle? My 17 month old has a habit of grabbing/pushing etc but it's got better. So we show her how to be gentle by stroking her hands on something. Also teach her please, so we say please and hold out her hand for when she wants something. Simple one word things. So if she gets rough, we say "gentle" firmly, making sure she can hear, and she will then change. Cue bug praise for being gentle etc.

If she persists, just give a firm no and move her immediately so she connects the no to whatever she's done wrong. No long explanations etc because she would have forgotten by then. Just a no and remove. She can come back, there's no point doing time out as kids that age live in the "present" and have no concept of past.

Ilovemyself Sun 19-May-13 20:23:28

I have just read my second post and it makes her sound like a monster. She is very pushy with her twin and is not averse to hitting him with whatever is to hand. With our 3 month old she is just a little rough

She can be really gentle when she wants, especially with our cats.

And Babiesarelikebuses, thanks. The twins took 12 1/2 years of trying so we thought we better try for our third as quickly as possible. 12 1/2 weeks later............

AprilFoolishness Sun 19-May-13 20:32:28

I have very different twins too, one good, one not so.

But I can't post anything sensible about that because I am still in shock about the 3 month old... And that means pregnancy with 1 year old twins....

I am literally taking all my hats off to you!

Ilovemyself Sun 19-May-13 21:00:06

That's not all - my wife ( yes, it's the husband asking the questions here!) had SPD with the twins, is type 2 diabetic and has been classed high risk throughout both pregnancies. But a family is all we ever wanted and after the time it took for the twins to arrive we just didn't want to wait.

We are, however, giving it 18 months before number 4!

AprilFoolishness Sun 19-May-13 21:03:45

Well you sound like utterly brilliant parents, if you managed to come out of the first year of twins not only smiling, and with brilliant babies, but also wanting another. I don't think there's anythignn I can advise.

I don't do a naughty step as such, but more a 'plonk in a boring corner and ignore' for a few moments while i tend to the other one. Otherwise I think it's still down to disstract, distract, distract... Oh and buy two of lots of things grin

Seb101 Sun 19-May-13 21:36:08

I agree with the 'plonk in the boring corner and ignore' suggestion! Lol. It's not a naughty step as such, and I've found it affective with my 16 month old. When she is being naughty and she doesn't listen, I will literally say 'no,' pick her up and completely silently plonk her in the corner of room. I then go back to playing and turn my back to her. I then completely ignore her, no talking, no eye contact, I just pretend to be engrossed in playing. She'll often cry for a minute or two, then come over to me and join in playing again. If she plays nicely; fine, all good. If she continues the bad behaviour, I will repeat again. She may not understand the concept of 'naughty step' but taking her away from situation definitely works, and i think its important, even at this you age, that they start to learn that their behaviour has consequences.

ladythatlunches Sun 19-May-13 21:42:16

Hi I have id twin girls 17 months and twin a is the little terror she does the same. I just say no that's not nice and pick her upand nmove her. She is getting there. But twin 2 is beginning to wallop back now.

I also have 3 little ones. My twins were born when my dc was 11 months old so know how difficult it is.

chickensaladagain Sun 19-May-13 21:49:09

Evil twin?

It's very easy to label children, please don't fall into the trap of viewing her as the naughty one -self fulfilling prophecy and all that

Ilovemyself Sun 19-May-13 21:53:35

The Evil Twin was just used for the description. As I said, she is a lovely little girl but does have a tendency to be a bully.

MerryMarigold Sun 19-May-13 21:57:44

I have b/g twins too, but they're nearly 5! Perhaps she is attention seeking with a baby around as well. If you think she is doing the violence to get attention then try not to pay attention to it and take the other twin away and give him all the positive attention and just ignore her. If you think she is just being a little rough because she is little then a firm 'no' without a big fuss or remove the toy she has hit with.

I would say they seem to go through phases. At times my boy twin has been the 'evil twin' and at times my daughter. Definitely don't typecast them at this age - or ever. I'm sure they will have different strengths and weaknesses. Maybe your son will be a nightmare teenager!

chickensaladagain Sun 19-May-13 22:02:24

At 15 months she's a bully?

She's not she just has a different personality and a new baby in the house and a twin brother who is also vying for attention

Ilovemyself Sun 19-May-13 22:21:46

I don't think it is attention seeking. We always try to be fair and gave them both attention before our 3rd arrived. As our 3rd is still at the sleep eat poo stage the twins still get a lot of attention they did.

And Chickensaladagain, I am struggling to find the right words to describe her behaviour without being labelist. She hits her twin brother or steals whatever he has ( even if it is a toy they have 1 each of). Even if that is just her personality showing through, it is bullying behaviour and would be classed as such if she was older.

chickensaladagain Sun 19-May-13 22:49:01

You can describe without labelling

'My 15 month old snatches toys and hits her twin brother'

Describe the behaviour, not the child

-sorry if you think I'm being a bit of an arse, there is a reason but not one I want to share, sorry

The behaviours you talk about are perfectly normal developmental stages

Your dd is reaching an age where she know what she wants but may not understand why and certainly can't verbalise it

Role model sharing and 'gentle'
Positive reinforcement for good behaviour and remove her from play if she shows the behaviours you don't want her to repeat

It will take repetition on your part but she will get the message

Ilovemyself Sun 19-May-13 23:06:04

Thanks Chickensaladagain. I have only been here a day and have seen so much in the way of angry or aggressive posts!

Don't expect an explanation but thanks for saying ;-)

PollyPlummer Sun 19-May-13 23:19:42

My dts are a bit older now - nearly 3. They seem to take it in turns to be the one who snatches toys, pinches, bites etc.
There have been times when I have been really worried that the twin on the receiving end will end up being scared of his brother, and then it switches. And then there are times when they are both at it, they fight like cat and dog - that really is exhausting wink
Like other posters have said they really are just normal stages of development.
Reminding your dd to be gentle is really good advice - it will take a while, but she will get it eventually.

StitchAteMySleep Sun 19-May-13 23:32:19

I have a 15 month old (and an older dd too).

My dd2 understands "no", "leave it alone" etc..., used for dangerous/delicate objects.

First time she does something I will remove her from the situation and say "no, leave it alone", then offer a distraction/alternative.

Second time I do the same thing, but she goes into her playpen for a while (5 mins or so) and I ignore her. She doesn't like being restricted to the playpen, so it will reduce her drive to climb things she shouldn't/pull all the dvds and books of the shelves.

If she does it again as soon as she comes out of the playpen then she goes back in for slightly longer (there are toys in the playpen to distract her). If she leaves it for a while then I repeat from step 1.

They don't get sharing at this age, they see an object they desire and go for it. Distraction is key.

The only thing you could do is model the behaviour/response you want her to have. You and your wife model sharing toys and teach her to exchange a toy for a toy. My Dd2 will bring dd1 toys because that is what dd1 does for her when she wants to play with something dd2 has. Also model cuddle/gentle responses if one of you is crying (pretend).

HappyAsASandboy Mon 20-May-13 01:17:54

We have exactly the same B/G twin issues. Our twins are 2 and a half.

I was really tearing my hair out trying to figure out how to stop DD terrorising DS, and in the end I realised that she is far far worse when she is tired/hungry or confused. It is absolutely exhausting, but I find there is far less violence if I can keep the entertainment going, keep explaining what's happening and what we're going to do next, keep praising the good stuff .... basically I have become one of those loud parents blush It has helped enormously, though she will still hit him for entertainment if she's a bit bored.

I found a book called What every parent shoul know brilliant for explaining the physiology behind different toddler reactions. It is much easier to stay calm and react like a grown up if I understand why she is doing the things she's doing.

Good luck! It might not stop anytime soon, but you will find ways to minimise it, and your DS will toughen up with his sister.

CreatureRetorts Mon 20-May-13 06:36:15

She might be classed as a bully with such behaviour when older but she's only 15 months now. It's important to remember that.

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