Daughter bad attitude/unkind/rude
etc - at home!
My 9 year old is completely draining us and it's affecting every area of our lives. She's really good at school and when she goes to other people's houses etc but at home she's dreadful. I can't put my finger on specifics but it's all the normal things that children do but to the absolute extreme. The day is normally ruined before we even leave the house for school in the morning! It's unfair on our 2 younger ones as well as they don't have to do much before we snap at them because all of our energy and resources have been used up on the eldest one. She always says sorry after the event and does seem genuinely sorry but by that stage we're done! She's been difficult from a very early age. I'm not sure if we need to get some kind of assessment done on her and, if so, how we even go about that. Has anyone else experienced this?
My DD is soon to turn 9 and she is also difficult...as are a number of her friends.
DH and I have noticed that we engage with DD as though we're expecting her to kick off...especially in the morning. We've decided that there is to be NO more shouting....we make ourselves remain calm before the situation escalates.
This morning DD wouldn't put on the blouse I had laid out for her as she didn't "like" that one. Now I knew this would happen...she takes a dislike to certain clothes and refuses them...but this time...instead of snapping at her I didn't engage. I just walked past her and said in a calm voice "pget dressed now DD."
And after a couple more mumbles she did. Normally I would be tense....waiting for her to kick off and so would snap "Put it on and stop being silly! You have no choice!"
As it stands...we pick our battles and give her a lot of freedom...we remove her fave things if she's very rude...but our being calm is helping a lot...it's not always easy and we do fail now and then...another tip is to let them take the consequences...so I no longer nag her to do homework....if she fails to complete then she'll lose playtime....this has helped a lot and she does it now.
What are your DDs trigger points?
I know that things are a lot better if we stay calm, we just don't have the energy. We decide we'll be calm and we manage it and things are a lot better. But just like if someone is standing in front of you slapping your face every 30 seconds, you're going to break at some stage. The amount of energy required to stay calm is more than we have. Trigger points are often related to siblings - in particular our other daughter but any chance to be disobedient she seems to take. Saying that, she can be nice. She's not all bad. She's a bit like the little girl who had a little curl.... Also, she loves one-to-one time. She will be as good as gold when it's just her but she's normally even worse when that time is over.
Have you looked at her diet and also tried to minimize the things which set her off? My DD gets very angry if her 5 year old sister gets too close to her when they watch TV. She'll warn her and warn her and then explode. I realised that I often wasn't in the room when this happnened so poor DD1 was warning and warning DD2 to back off....DD2 wouldn't....then DD1 would lose it and hit her...garnering a shouting from me!
I told DD "You MUST call me...tell me what is going wrong before you take the law into your own hands."
She does now....not EVERY time...but mostly...she calls me or comes to me.
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