Help with nearly 5 year old DD

[funnyfeet]

Dd is nearly 5 and such hard work. She can be the sweetest, funniest, kindest little girl, but also, gets very angry and shouts, screams and cries. She whinges too, which drives us mad. It's usually triggered from being told no. We have told her no for years now, and had the same reaction, and we don't give in to her. I am waiting for it to start paying off, and she accepts no the first time!
It is the end of a very difficult Saturday with her. I am exhausted, and even had to go upstairs and have a little cry earlier. I despair. I would appreciate some advice on how to handle her behaviour. We used to put her on time out but doing this made her worse, it was like fuel to her fire. It didnt have a positive affect on her behaviour either. We take away her toys for a day, and once or twice we have refused to take her on an outing, and just took her brother. We reward good behaviour, but are unsure how to punish bad behaviour.

[BabiesAreLikeBuses]

Time out stopped being effective with my dd at around 4.6 and although everyone else would tell you she's sweet and gentle she has a fiery temper and would shout and scream at me - frequently ' this is all your fault because...' so i stopped time out and started 'thinking time' which i explained to her was time for her to calm down and think about her behaviour. She goes in her bedroom for this and generally rages on bed then rearranges teddies. I go in when calm, often up to ten mins then talk it through with her. I tell her how her behaviour makes me feel e.g. I was sad because you were rude to me as this gets her more. I have also tried to give her words to rephrase. She would argue black is white before so i have asked her to replace 'no it's not' with 'are you sure?' which has worked well. I'm only 6 months on and it's getting better but still have relapses when tired.

[funnyfeet]

Thank you, that's very helpful, and very encouraging to hear.