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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

Am I cruel mother?

21 replies

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/05/2013 21:15

DD, 2 and a half yo, is refusing to go to sleep. 'Mama, sit here' ad infinitum. I need to eat and wash at least my face. She's screaming, I left her bedroom.

Usually she falls asleep on me in the armchair (ecenibg bf) and then I transfer her to bed. Tonight it has been ine hour and 40 minutes. I had to leave her bedroom, she's upset. I can't wait till she falls asleep ecery fucking time.

OP posts:

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DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/05/2013 21:26

'A' cruel mother obviously.

OP posts:

DalaHorse · 01/05/2013 21:49

Sympathies. I know it's upsetting and frustrating.

Short answer is, no you don't have to wait until she falls asleep. However it sounds like she and you have developed a routine where she is reliant on your presence to fall asleep, so she can't do it on her own.

If she usually falls asleep whilst you are bf, then you need to move the bf slot and not make it the last thing you do. Keep the lights on and don't let her nod off. If she does so regularly, you need to introduce say washing face and cleaning teeth after bf, or a story. Then it's firmly lights off, night night. She needs to learn to go to sleep on her own. Even if she were to fall asleep whilst bf most nights, it's not good for her to still be dependant on you to go to sleep each and every night at 2.5yo. It's part of growing up & becoming a big girl. It will be a learning curve for you too but it sounds like the time is right for both of you.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/05/2013 21:55

You're right. It's just not been a problem until recently. She usually drops off quickly so this is a shock for me.

When I family member was staying here for whatever reason DD dropped the evening feeds so it was looking as if she was self-weaning. Now she feeds more then over the last year.

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Thewhingingdefective · 01/05/2013 22:07

No, definitely not cruel. BFing to sleep each night is very caring.

On odd occasions when my DD won't sleep (she is also BFed to sleep) I give in and cuddle her downstairs until she either falls asleep or asks to go to bed.

I have also left her briefly to cry to see if she settles and then gone back to her to BF again. Usually she is easier to settle then.

It is shitty when you're knackered and hungry and your DC won't go the fuck to sleep though.

She won't remember tonight, even though you feel crap about it.

LittleMissLucy · 01/05/2013 22:10

Its a 2 yr old phase. It hits you like a ton of bricks and takes some getting used to. I was flabbergasted as mine were so good at just looking at books and falling asleep alone for so long.

When my DD did this I sat and read a book on the floor and snuck out when she went to sleep. It was the only way for ages, then I did the "I'll check you in 5 mins" thing - you start with 5, move to 10, 15 and 20 and by then they are reassured enough to relax and nod off.

Good luck I know how challenging it can be.

PurpleThing · 01/05/2013 22:11

OP, has she got her back molars? Can be very nasty. Does she still nap? DS has just about given up his and it makes bedtime much quicker, unless he's overtired .

I'd get her used to falling asleep in her bed not in the chair. Good tips I've seen on here are "I just need to go to the loo / turn on something / blah blah and I'll come back." Hopefully she'll drop off waiting for you. Longer version is "If you stay quiet I will come back in 5 mins and give you a kiss and cuddle" and keep doing it at longer and longer intervals. Screaming is no fun for anyone.

Nagoo · 01/05/2013 22:16

I discourage napping now or GooGirl will be up in her room singing, taking her nappy off, changing her pyjamas, looking out of the window, shouting for one of us to giver her a drink.. whatever she can do that isn't sleeping.

If she doesn't nap she falls asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow.

Nagoo · 01/05/2013 22:24

We do the 'I'll go downstairs and send daddy up'.

LittleMissLucy · 01/05/2013 23:16

what, as in a threat of sending daddy?

Nagoo · 01/05/2013 23:19

NO!

as in 'daddy will be up in a minute to give you a cuddle'!

Then she waits all sleepy for daddy to come up :) in theory And I get a break :)

LittleMissLucy · 01/05/2013 23:20

oh phew

Nagoo · 01/05/2013 23:22

It's not the cruel mother championships

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/05/2013 23:31

She's behind with hwr molars, that is true, however she sleeps undisturbed. Ah, wait - apart from recently learning to get up half way through the night to come into my bed.
I took the side off the cot you see and my DM was staying for several weeks so I thought she was unsettled by that. Then she was ill. Last two night she came later and later so I'm hoping she'll manage till the morning soon.

When DD was a baby I made a point of not feeding her to sleep. Then she started to drop off half way through the boob because she was so knackered. Now she pisses about touching my face and talking to me and playing with my hair. I must be terribly interesting .

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Nagoo · 01/05/2013 23:59

I'd be meaner than you and do rapid return to bed, bit of head stroking and no talking.

My shower is right near the bathroom, so I can shower etc where she can hear me, so although she's nosey and not asleep, she's not distressed.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 02/05/2013 00:08

I tried the rapid returns but she just screams or worse stands quietly by my bedroom door quietly sobbing. Or just standing. I thought she was in her bed till I woke up 20 mins later one night. There's no budging her .

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Nagoo · 02/05/2013 00:30

Goo girl has a stair gate on her bedroom door. If she could get in with me, she would.

What do you want to do? You think she'll settle this by herself?

MiaowTheCat · 02/05/2013 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 06/05/2013 22:15

It's slightly better now. Well, the screaming is much shorter. I've been working on getting her back to bed at night, no matter how knackered I am. She's getting sneaky though . Last night, I didn't hear her come 2nd time, she just crept in and up very quietly and I only realised when she was snuggling in my underarm. No boob demands, just 'I'm not here, I can't be heard or seen'. It was so sweet I pretended I didn't realise...

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breatheslowly · 06/05/2013 22:39

Is BF to sleep ok when they have teeth or is there a risk of decay?

You certainly aren't a cruel mother. We held DD to go to sleep until about 15 months and then couldn't face losing such a long chunk of our evenings any more. You have done it way longer than we did and we were unusual in how long we waited before "sleep training". We did CC with very short intervals, but it did help that DD was still in a cot so couldn't come out to find us. While it can seem really cruel to do any. Sort of sleep training, for us it took less than a week and made a huge difference to all of our lives. Have you considered a gradual retreat method?

Whatever you do, there will always be regressions. DD has started coming into our bed earlier and earlier in the mornings and I have been too lazy to take her back to her bed. When she came in at 5.30 this morning (quite late at the moment) I said I would take her back to her bed. She burst into such tears that I scooped her up into our bed and completely lost my resolve.

Bumpsadaisie · 07/05/2013 12:44

We've always been very big on not leaving small children to cry.

Depends on the child but from about this age is when we started expecting more from our dd and leaving her to moan a bit.

A reward chart worked well at this age. Also promising to come back in 5 mins to check her.

She's nearly four now. Prob for the last 6 mths we've been able to just say goodnight and leave with no issues.

daytoday · 07/05/2013 13:54

No one escapes having children without having a period of 'OMG they won't go to sleep I am going to explode.' They might be great sleepers as babies etc etc. But we all hit that wall at different times and different speeds.

I would think about how you would like her to go to sleep - bath, book, lights off etc. Then tackle just one thing at a time - and slowly try to make that the routine - so first thing would probably be to move the feed till earlier - so it has nothing to do with the bed time routine.

Keep an eye on daytime naps - try to go for a long afternoon walk etc and then start bedtime early, so there is no rush.

Be consistent and don't expect any results for at least 1 week.

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