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Nearly 4 ds1 hitting other children !

(9 Posts)
Wacker Wed 17-May-06 13:48:38

The shame is quite immense and I really do not know quite where to go with this.
I have just picked him up from Pre School where the teacher described him as having a 'bad day' where he was poking and hitting people totally unprovoked.
This would be OK if it was just a bad day but he does it with play mates regularly.
He seems to have some strange paranoia that people are taking the mickey out of him..........someone knocks his tower over....hit. Someone does not want to play a game......hit. Someone does not want to see his new toy........hit. He seems to take it all too seriously - while waiting to go into pre school yesterday another boy had a toy gun and pretended to shoot him.........hit.
And really this is surprising because neither my husband or I are shy types and certainly don't take life too seriously.
I have tried star charts, time out (including being taken away from a park) and also ignoring, but I just don't seem to get results.
Has anyone ever had a similar problem?

mrsflowerpot Wed 17-May-06 16:26:18

Yes, ds had a phase of this at about the same age. Poor you, it's horrible when it's happening. It's not uncommon, many many children go through this, it's how you respond to it that matters (but that doesn't help when it's yours of course).

With ds, he had always been, er, feisty, but it really surfaced at pre-school because when he was with me I watched him like a hawk and pre-empted it alot I think. It sounds really similar - he hated being teased and reacted really quickly to every perceived slight.

What worked for us was having a joint plan of action with pre-school - basically a zero-tolerance policy using time out. No warnings, straight to time out. If we were out with friends and he did it I would take him straight home if there was an incident (I did have to back off on the pre-empting it a bit, among pre-warned sympathetic friends only of course). Pre-school worked on the turn-taking etc too, got him playing co-operative games etc with other children. Lots of praise too for good behaviour and playing nicely.

With hindsight, what I did wrong was I got a bit down on ds, was so embarrassed that I over-reacted a bit at first when being calmer and more boring about it would have worked better. IT really helped to talk to the nursery about it and work it through, and it did pass - by the time he left there it was almost entirely history.

Turquoise Wed 17-May-06 16:34:40

According to Steve Bidddulph boys have a huge testosterone surge at about 4, so don't feel ashamed!
I think Mrs F's advice is excellent, zero tolerance and time out, you'll get there in the end.

southeastastra Wed 17-May-06 17:26:55

I have this problem as well! I also read the book and it helps get things in perspective. Someone on here suggested a star chart which I have been using since last week and so far it has been really good.

The teacher also says son has had a bad day which makes me want to scream! Sorry not to be more helpful, but I understand what you're going through.

Son still thinks violence is the first reaction though, especially with his older brother who is 12 but get the brunt of it.

Wacker Thu 18-May-06 09:54:45

Thank you all. I will think about talking with pre school - and I definitely need to chill out about it a bit and not over react I am sure that makes it worse. Zero Tolerance here we come !!

florenceuk Thu 18-May-06 15:35:17

Yes I have a fighter as well, who is 4.5. With DS it is just general boisterousness and fighting is part of their play - there is a group of fighting boys (and 1 girl!) but he also hits out if things don't go the way he wants.I am trying a smiley face/grumpy face system, and DS knows I check with school as to whether he gets smiley face or not. I have also temporarily banned his Narnia DVD as this seemed to be associated with some of it (yelling "For Narnia" as he hit somebody with a stick). I am wondering whether to ask the school to get him to play with some of the less boisterous boys as opposed to the group he currently runs around with - has anybody tried this?

southeastastra Thu 18-May-06 15:52:46

Hi florenceuk I remember your post from last week. Its such a pain isn't it! My ds was doing really well with star chart, until today, when he bit and punched someone.

This also centres around a group of kids but the teacher said its hard to keep them apart!! Isn't that her job. I hope its a phase!

carolann23 Fri 19-May-06 12:04:53

My dd is 2.5 and hittin is becoming a big issue, when we have friends and there kids in all i seem to do is shout at her n try and disiplibe her,(which it makes it a missruble time for us)and she will just go back and do it again. i think she understands me but just dont listen i think she knows how to work me out if you know what i mean !!! So i thought try a behavior chart i started it on monday and its not realy helping! is she too young?

tron Sat 20-May-06 19:14:37

My DS is like this he's 4.5. The nursery school do a special book for him. At the end of each session the teacher sits down with him and goes over the session - if he's been good he'll get a smiley face. This helps but doesn't always work. It's like he just sees red and doesn't think what he's doing and hits. he normally very sorry when he calms down. The school brought in a educational psychologist who just said he was immature and had to catch up socially. She suggestd more posotive praise and rewards in nursey - it is so embarrassing though, I feel like the other mums don't want thier kids to play with DS and I'ver started keeping him in the car til it's almost time to go in!!!

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