Controlled crying(47 Posts)
I'm interested to hear from those who have done CC. If you were successful, how many nights did it take?
DD is 13 months old and wakes up multiple times during the night, sometimes every hour.
I couldn't do CC, it's not for us, period.
Having said that, I look at parents for whom CC worked and I see they're rested and probably have a lot more energy to do things with their DC than I do (especially now that I'm pregnant again).
I feel guilty about this constantly.
Well, googleit, I guess I may as well give up now then, as clearly I have already messed up DD. I have just given up work to be a SAHM, so yes, I am clearly doing everything I can to make sure my child fits into my life.
Adoptmama you have put it well better than i did.
I dont intend to be judgemental just a reflection of my experience. I was heavily judged also being told constantly by friends and family to not pick them up whenever they cried. You get judged whatever you do.
No one is saying dont have routines of course you should no one is saying you are a bad parent of course you are not.
But there is a general trend over the last few years to condition children to fit in to our lives.
My kids are teenagers and one in primary school so i dont really belong on this discussion and they are of course hard work but you will get to see the deep seated problems at secondary schools and you will know what i mean my belief and experience is that the more time and energy you can possibly give as early ss possible does go towards that bonding process which helps them to feel more secure in themselves. I dont mean confident just able to deal with things.
I did not come to this conculsion whilst i was in the middle of it and not done intentionally as i felt like a zombie and early on my kids were put in front of tv as long as i possibly could get them but come around 7 years old i could see the changes and by 10 and 14 even more. Not in terms of well behaved but the influences coming through at last so the bigger problems are are far easier to manage.
Can I just say I'm not anti cc if that's what you want to do, thankfully I didn't need to do it with dd and ds is still little. It's just doing it at four months that I think is wrong.
Spottyteacakes - I think you & I must sing from the same hymn sheet! You too adoptmama & googleit
lol @Googleit I too am certain that there is no link between X box use and CC. What you really wanted to do was show off about your beautifully well adjusted children. How old are they btw?
lala29 couldn't agree more. googleit your post comes across as very judgemental.
Good lord - is someone really suggesting that CC leads to Xbox use and social networking? unbelievable.
I agree CC is stressful for a baby. However, it may well also be stressful for a baby to wake up at night, multiple times, and have to cry for someone to come and rock/cuddle/feed them back to sleep, because they don't know how to go back to sleep on their own.
And CC does involve soothing the baby, at intervals. (the version i used involved going in and soothing every 2 minutes). It is not the same as CIO where there is no soothing.
I do not agree that a baby whose parents have done CC "has learned that nobody comes". We did CC and my DD will still cry if she is hungry, has teething pain, etc. and we will come and comfort her. She just does not cry simply because she has woken and needs to be rocked to get back to sleep (which she did before CC).
In answer to the OP - it took one morning nap and one lunchtime nap. DD then slept through at night. She does still wake sometimes, but as I say above, it's due to genuine hunger or teething pain or a cold.
The argument of course is not whether CC works - it does - but whether it is a good thing. A lot of evidence now says no it is not. There is now a lot of psychological and biological evidence that says it is very damaging. There is no corresponding research or evidence on the other side to support CC. Just because it works does not make it a good thing.
Babies cannot control their own stress levels. They need the comfort and reassurance of a responsive parent to help them lower stress levels. Too much stress hormone is bad for brain development. By allowing a baby to cry/scream until it stops does not mean the baby is learning to manage its own stress (something it is biologically unable to do) but that it has learned no one is coming when it needs/wants them too. This undermines the baby's belief that it is safe, creating an underlying level of anxiety. Ultimately this can make children less independent as toddlers/young children.
It is well known by neuroscience and child psychology that for a baby to feel secure it has to have the cycle of being soothed repeated consistently in infancy. Children who do not have their needs met in this way suffer developmentally. By not responding to a distressed baby crying - particularly when it cries for a long period - the cycle is interrupted and the child remains in a state of anxiety. The baby who is was taught to sleep using CC has higher stress levels than the baby soothed to sleep by a parent. By responding to a crying baby and soothing it, the parents are teaching the baby that is safe but and also to ultimately soothe itself. It may not be as fast as CC but it is psychologically healthier for the baby. The baby who learns not to cry from CC has not learned to soothe itself; it has simply learned you will not come.
I think that's a ridiculous thing to say. Have all parents of your childrens' friends done CC? I know my DD is only 19 months, but she is very confident and secure. She plays well by herself, doesn't have TV on and is getting on brilliantly with her speech despite being in a bilingual household.
I like routine, my dog likes routine, most people go to bed, eat, etc at the same time each day, so I saw no reason why my child didn't need a routine as well. CC helped with that and certainly did not traumatise her. And I seriously hope you are not suggesting that parents who do CC spend any less time on their children or put in any less effort than you did. It's a different way of parenting. If it worked for you, great. But there is no way I could have been up several times in the night for the first few years and I would have started resenting DD.
My problem with those so anti CC is that you tend to be so judgemental. I have never really judged anyone who wants to do it your way (or cuddle to sleep, feed on demand, etc). I just wonder how you stay sane. However, I get judged as a bad mother and am told that my poor child will be traumatised for life all the time. Why can't you just let others parent the way that works for them?!
Googleit I could do with some motivational speaking from you at night when I'm up four times with ds!
With cc having such great sucess stories i can see why so many parents do it.
I could not have done it myself. 'Self comforting ' at a few weeks old is just another way of conditioning to suit life style of parent than need of child.
You can train a baby in this way quite effectively it seems but 0 til 7 years is crucial as is that early feeling of comfort and security and the more time you spend
On your child in the early stages of life the less you will later.
I believe that the effort i put in for the first say 3to 4 years of my children has paid off enormously. I was working and up at nights to hold and sooth whenever they cried.
But they are so secure in themselves and crucially they listen to me and not influenced by peer pressure. They have no genuine interest in social networking like facebook prefering to do something more useful with their time
They do not shut themselves up in their rooms with x boxes of which they have the latest plus wii and have not asked for tv in their rooms. I often find myself asking their friends round so they can get on to play it a bit and allow me to get thingd done. Their friends are all addicted to something or other.
Is there a connection? I think so.
DS1 at 6 months. Took 2 nights. DS2 spent some time in NiCU so as a result left hospital with some ability to self soothe. I've given him more opportunity to do this than I ever did with DS1 (ie I don't rush in and settle him immediately). In hoping we won't need to do cc with him at all.
Completely agree LittleMonster. DD was never left for more than 5 mins (and that didn't happen often). My DD was by far the happiest baby out if all the ones I knew because she basically was never tired. She was put down on schedule just before she got tired, slept for the allocated amount of time and was then happily awake again. I was happy because I was getting the sleep I needed. Everyone a winner, surely.
So in a sense, we did leave her to cry. But plenty of babies cry for longer than 5 mins on a regular basis, so I don't feel guilty in the slightest.
We did this successfully with dc1. Not eft to cry for more than 1-3 mins, and took 8mins on the first night to settle and sleep through, 6 mins second night, 90 seconds third night. By night 4 dc1 was sleeping through and barring teething a nd illness and done so ever since (now 18 months).
Hearing the cries were heartbreaking but I believe cring for 1-2 mins and then getting a full nights sleep is far better than waking up every hour and crying out of exhaustion (for both you and baby).
Like I said leaving a baby to grizzle for a few minutes isn't controlled crying so I'm not sure we are talking about the same thing tbh....
Lala29 and karoleann completely agree. Well said....
I think 4 months is a good age, they only grizzle for a few minutes if they're tired and then go off.
It's much more cruel letting a overtired baby cry, how can helping a tired baby sleep be cruel? Thy need to learn to self soothe and fall asleep themselves, otherwise they wake during their normal sleep cycle and can't get themselves back to sleep.
My younger two only took a day or two at 4 months, my eldest child didn't sleep through til 23 months.
We did it with DD from birth pretty much. She was sleeping through the night from 8 weeks and settling herself to sleep really well after about 4 weeks.
She is now 19 months and I think it's a lot more cruel starting at this sort of age when they are very aware of everything around them and have got used to doing things a certain way.
Everyone who has ever met DD says what a happy, loving and confident little girl she is. This has been the case since she was very tiny. I really resent people who use words like "that poor baby". How dare you say that to another mum?!
A couple of minutes then fallin asleep isn't exactly controlled crying is it sometimes ds needs a little cry before he falls asleep but that's completely different. Even advocates of cc say six months is the earliest you should do it.
I disagree that you can't do cc at 4mths. Very harsh to say 'poor baby'
When they are this young, it often only takes a few mins of crying and they fall asleep. There is nothing wrong with putting a young baby in cot, leaving them to moan/cry for 5 mins. The earlier they learn to self sooth, the better. If crying continued, I'd go in, check all was ok, and leave again.
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