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How so you deal with friend's dc's when they're acting up?

(10 Posts)
motherofvikings Mon 08-Apr-13 21:49:57

Without wanting to out myself and explain all the details...

How do you deal with other people's dc overstepping your line and upsetting your dc?

motherofvikings Mon 08-Apr-13 21:50:56

Especially if the parents are good friends and you don't want to fall out.
BUT your dc are being regularly upset by theirs?

steppemum Mon 08-Apr-13 22:02:05

depends a bit on context. So if they were playing at my house without parents, then I would just tell them they were out of line in the same way I would tell mine (age appropriately)
Might remove toy, or take them into another room and have a quiet word, or ask them to say sorry.

If it was behaviour which was repeated, would be saying 'we don't do that in this house, it isn't kind' etc etc. Might set up a new game to diffuse a repeated problem eg suggest they get the playdough out because repeated fighting in playhouse over who gets to be the baby etc.

If it is in a joint context when their parents are there, it is harder. My friends and I tend to let one person deal with issue, whoever is nearer or who heard what is going on. We would assume that whichever kid was responsible would apologise and send kids off to play again.

If other parents in another room, I will happily just deal with it. So I would do as above. Then I would let other parent know what I had done.

But most of my friends and I parent in similar way, and we have got to this point because we trust each other, and because 9 times out of 10 it is my kids being the pushy ones blush

motherofvikings Mon 08-Apr-13 22:13:18

It's when the other parents are present too that I struggle to know what to do. If it was just me I would do exactly what I do with mine.

They seems to let more slide than me - letting their dc mimic others (even though the other children find it annoying/ upsetting), being rude (calling others poop heads). It's not 'big' stuff but when it's fairly relentless it upsets my dc and sets me and DH on edge.

steppemum Mon 08-Apr-13 22:25:32

Hmm the things you describe are difficult, they are the sort of things that are similar to normal sibling niggles.

How many dc do you have and what are their ages in relation to your friend? The reason I ask is that my youngest has a best friend. Mine is the youngest of three strong personalities. Her friend is an only and a bit pfb. My dd will say something in passing or as a throw away comment and he will get quite upset. Something like 'well I won't be your friend then' They are 5. TBH friend needs to toughen up a bit and just shrug his shoulders, then she wouldn't do it as it wouldn't have any effect. Friend's mum agrees, so we try not to intervene too much. I do talk to my dd about how she speaks and speaking nicely to friends etc.

Amongst our kids cousins there is a lot of the kind of talk you describe. We do comment and occasionally will intervene if one of the 8 is getting the brunt of it, but we also let them sort a fair amount of it out amongst themselves. This is not us 'letting things go' or being slack, we are all quite strict parents, but we do all believe that they have to work some things out for themselves, and it is good for them to do that.

If your dc ignore the annoying children, and won't play with the ones who are nasty, they will stop.

motherofvikings Tue 09-Apr-13 07:02:47

Our dc's are the same age. Eldest are 4yo, youngest are 2yo. It is their eldest getting at our eldest.

I sort of agree with what you're saying about normal sibling stuff. But I wouldn't let our dc behave like that to each other. Especially as theirs has been known to wind up my little one, she retaliated (she is 2. She pushed him) and he had a major meltdown for 20 mins! confused

We are going to be spending a fair amount of time together over the coming weeks and tbh having to put up with the behaviour isn't something I'm looking to.

motherofvikings Tue 09-Apr-13 07:04:36

Tbh I'm not sure my ds is big enough to understand ignoring someone, and it'd be fairly obvious/ seen as rude when it's just the 2 families.

steppemum Tue 09-Apr-13 13:48:46

I think the problem is actually that they are all still quite small. (the cousins I am talking about are aged 5-12)
Kids don't share properly until age 3 and then it is a process to be learned, so I think that might be a key.

I think in your situation I would say it to them even in front of parents, in a subtle way! So if older one was saying poop head or whatever I would say 'that isn't a kind name to use, can you think of a nice one? How about gorgeous chops? Or eagle eyes? Can you give yourself a new superhero name?' etc
Or if they are mimicking, laugh at them gently - you sound like a parrot, they are always copying things. Can you do any other animal noises?

If one of your dcs is upset, then maybe crouch down at their level, your arm round your dc and say 'dc doesn't like it when you do x. It makes him upset and then he doesn't want to play. Can you be kind and play nicely?' When it is against younger ones, say collectively are you big boys being kind big brothers to the little ones? Oh great I knew you knew how to be kind big brothers.

That sort of thing, not 'telling off' but redirecting in a positive way.

best I can do I am afraid, a lot will depend if other mum minds, or likes it and picks up in it, or has a wobbly. She may not notice it any more, because she has given up on it.

motherofvikings Tue 09-Apr-13 15:00:41

Thanks! smile will try your suggestions.

I think part of the issue is she/ they haven't things slide/ picked their battle as she has been suffering from depression as I don't think she had the energy to fight iyswim.

Hopefully he'll be out of this phase and back to his normal lovely self soon! smile

MERLYPUSS Wed 10-Apr-13 09:32:55

Tell your Dc to snithch on their child to his/her parents everytime he says poop head. Then tell the kid we dont call each other names in our house as it's no a nice boy/girl thing to do.
Eventually his parents will take the hint or think your child is a whinge and bring it up with you. Then you can tell them that it is constant and needs addressing.

Or tell the parents to make him stop.

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