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DS: charming but controlling

(75 Posts)
Mummyoftheyear Fri 05-Apr-13 23:50:16

My son is just wonderful (as is everyone's, I'm sure).
He is caring and kind, charming and incredibly articulate. He is particularly interested in electricity: how things work, making circuits (a game called Hot Wires is a sage way to do it). He is 5 years old.
Since he has been at nursery (2 and a quarter), I've heard nothing but complaints about his resistance to go along with instructions - be it signing at singing time, stopping to tidy up, sitting on the carpet, etc.
I'm quite strict at home a d have tried everything. Sticker charts / other positive incentives, consequences, etc.
I've even gone so far as to photograph, laminate and cut up a picture if his favourite toy to give him one if four pieces of it to incentivise good behaviour. Nothing! He loves in the here and now I'll do what if like.
He's not naughty - just determined to follow his own interests, ideas and plans.
I'm despairing as its been complained about at both nurseries and now at school. He's been asked to leave: football, ballet, Zumba, drama, etc.
He doesn't endear himself to have friends although he would love to - because he tries to tell them (nicely but all the same...) exactly what to play with/ how to play with it. He's fantastic at setting up games, activities, etc and wonderful with younger children. I'm at the end of my tether as we have had play dates and mums have said, surprised, "He's fine, isn't he!". They've obviously been told by their children that he doesn't listen and is 'redirected' a billion times a day. His eye contact and interpersonal skills (BAR LISTENING TO OTHERS unless they're telling him about something he would like to know).
Feeling isolated and at the point of getting him assessed. Can anyone relate????

belfastbigmillie Sat 06-Apr-13 22:34:48

I have to say, he sounds identical to DS at that age.

Mummyoftheyear Sun 07-Apr-13 06:35:59

And does your little one have a particular difficulty / need- or did he grow out of it?

belfastbigmillie Sun 07-Apr-13 13:38:55

His difficulty is (and always has been) doing what is expected of him in group situations. He is now 7. His listening skills are still poor but I am always available to work with him on them. He doesn't do many group things but because we only go to things that he chooses then he accepts in advance the behaviour rules that go with them. His academic work is very good and he is at key stage 3 level for his good subjects eg physics and is now average at handwriting (which, believe me, is a miracle). I know you don't like the sound of it but I do suggest you consider home ed. At least read up on it (it isn't anything like a mini classroom scenario).

Read How Kids Learn by John Holt. Also How Children Learn at Home by Alan Thomas and Harriet Patterson. I think a bright spark like your DS would thrive in a non group setting and I think ultimately you need to consider which is more important to you - your need for control (and embarrassment about) around your child's conforming or your child's happiness and self esteem.

Mummyoftheyear Sun 07-Apr-13 14:12:18

Thank you for your tips. I really don't think my child would be happy at home. Home Ed is for those who are up for it - and I'm just not. He would be devastated not to be able to go to school with peers his age every day. I can't offer him what he'd need at secondary level, and I'd have real concerns about how he would then adapt having been out of school until the age of 11.
My hope is to help him to adapt his behaviour enough to do what he would like to do: learn alongside peers and make some friends. He really likes his teachers. He would listen to me as little / less than he listens to them and I'd get v cross with him ultimately - so being at home would be a meltdown nightmare for us both and affect our relationship as well as his motivation towards his work.

belfastbigmillie Sun 07-Apr-13 18:03:56

Well, good luck with it all. Read the John Holt book anyway (and How Children Fail) as I think it will help you to understand your child's motivation. If you do get him diagnosed and get a label, could I ask you to let me know what they say. Purely out of curiosity as I know that whatever your son is, my son is too! All the best x

Mummyoftheyear Sun 07-Apr-13 19:16:58

Of course u will. I really respect your choice and your patience as a home ed parent. I find it easier to teach a class of 30 than to teach my own son. He resists both direction and education. but I love him and admire him all the same. Did you say that your son is into electricity, too - or was it Lego?
If he (or was it someone else on the thread's son) likes electricity, I absolutely recommend purchasing Hot Wires!Check this out on AMZN: John Adams Hot Wires Electronics Kit

belfastbigmillie Sun 07-Apr-13 19:53:23

Haha - mine already has hotwires, logiblocs, laptops he's taken apart etc etc etc... (I didn't even do science O level smile )

Mummyoftheyear Sun 07-Apr-13 19:58:51

I know... I've needed to become interested in science like never before! It's pretty easy really as there's so much on YouTube, kits like Hot Wires are very clear and self explanatory... and he just loves to discover it all himself, anyway ;)
DS' favourite programme is: How It Works.
Fabulous boys' stuff!

Mummyoftheyear Sun 07-Apr-13 19:59:45

Thankfully, he also likes to dance to the music of 'Chorus Line': I Can Do That. Lol

belfastbigmillie Sun 07-Apr-13 20:15:04

Get him into programming - research using Scratch or build up a Raspberry Pi - I bet he'd love it. Also buy or get him old or broken gadgets to take apart so he can look at the insides. DS has always preferred that to toys.

Mummyoftheyear Sun 07-Apr-13 21:42:30

Ooh cool
Tell me about the PI?
How do you get broken gadgets apart from waiting for them to break?

Mummyoftheyear Sun 07-Apr-13 21:43:13

Raspberry PI?

belfastbigmillie Sun 07-Apr-13 21:52:44

People give us broken stuff. Also no charity shops take electrical stuff these days so we have a deal with our local one that they keep things for him. Also my DH works in IT so every so often they throw out old machines etc and he brings them home for DS.

belfastbigmillie Sun 07-Apr-13 21:54:15

belfastbigmillie Sun 07-Apr-13 21:55:25

My DS would never be good for a reward chart but he was impeccable for a month to get his hands on a broken laptop smile

Mummyoftheyear Sun 07-Apr-13 22:02:15

Can sooooo relate! South on common. Where do you live?

Mummyoftheyear Sun 07-Apr-13 22:02:28


belfastbigmillie Sun 07-Apr-13 22:05:04

No smile

Mummyoftheyear Sun 07-Apr-13 22:05:31

So much in common
My typos drive me mad! iPhones and fat fingers don't mix

belfastbigmillie Sun 07-Apr-13 22:07:03

Have PMed you.

Mummyoftheyear Sun 07-Apr-13 22:15:36


MummaBubba123 Sun 21-Apr-13 13:08:45

I haven't had a chance to think about the programming stuff you recommended - but I'm anxious not to forget about it as it sounds fantastic. I have two identities - no idea why. I'm not very good at Internet stuff and think I couldn't log on one day so set up another much a more recent email account. Anyway, could we liaise somehow about the programming and kiddy issues, etc? I really hope you find this message!

Branleuse Sun 21-Apr-13 13:20:32

Sounds a bit aspie to me.

All the aspie children I know really want friends, and often have friends.

Thats not a criteria

MummaBubba123 Sun 21-Apr-13 19:40:14

Do you think? What do you think about us going for an assessment? He is in Reception (nearly 5 and a half).

wishidoneitbetter Tue 09-Jul-13 15:43:07

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