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Please tell me how you discipline your 3yo !! Nothing is working and I'm losing patience !

(28 Posts)
Inseywinseyupthespout Mon 01-Apr-13 14:27:08

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notnowbernard Mon 01-Apr-13 14:33:40

Pick your battles

Which is the behaviour which is most disruptive? For me it would be the aggression toward the baby

Focus on that only for the time bbeing. Think you need to decide which approach to take and stick with it

Probably goes without saying that smacking her isn't ideal if you're trying to get her not to hit her sister...

I'd ignore the weeing COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY as its very obviously behavioural if she's only doing it at home

IMO it sounds like sibling jealousy. Try and get some 1:1 time with her, praise her good behaviour and try and ignore as much of the bad stuff as you can

She's 3. It's a bloody nightmare age IME ! But she will change, it's all a phase

Sirzy Mon 01-Apr-13 14:37:49

Whatever you decide to do you need to stick with that even if it doesn't work at first.

I would be tempted to revert back to taking her to the toilet every 45 mins - hour to try to tackle to accidents.

I would agree with trying to spend more time with her on a 1 - 1 if you can.

notnowbernard Mon 01-Apr-13 14:41:29

I've had a 3y old that took to pissing everywhere periodically following the arrival of a sibling <shudders at memorywink>

The ONLY think that worked was ignoring it. Don't know about your 3yo, OP, but mine was v strong willed and to try and take her to the loo every 45 m would (did) result in a major stand-off every time.

Iggly Mon 01-Apr-13 14:46:03

It sounds like attention seeking. Also the change in routine wont be helping if you're normally at work.

Also it looks like most of the things you've tried have been negative.

She'll be doing it for attention - positive or negative. makes no difference.

If she wees herself, turn away and ignore her. Absolutely and utterly ignore her. Then once she's done, ask her to help you clear up. If she doesn't, take her out of the room and ignore her. Really neutral reaction.

Aggression towards the baby - get down to her eye line and tell her firmly no hitting. Explain that this is a warning, if she does it again, she has time out. If she does it again, tell her firmly that she has time out for 3 minutes for hitting and take her to the time out place. Once she's done, ask her why she had timeout, if she says dont know, then tell her (keep it simple) and tell her what to do next time E.g. if baby takes her toy, tell her to get baby another one.

Also give her something to do - don't expect her to play nicely with her sister - she's 3. (I have a 3.6 year old and 16 month old). Take her to the park/library and give her some attention.

You need to supervise and step in before something happens. Show her what to do. I've spent a lot of time with DS showing him how to get toys for his little sister, what to do if little sister grabs/snatches etc etc. It's a longer game but paying off now as they can play well together (briefly!)

Also forget the smacking - it wont work and you both just feel crappy afterwards. Also toddlers are very logical - what happens when she smacks her sister for being "naughty"......?

Inseywinseyupthespout Mon 01-Apr-13 14:48:44

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notnowbernard Mon 01-Apr-13 14:49:50

I've been on a challenging behaviour course (for work) which was called RAID

Reinforce Approriate, Ignore Disruptive

I think you can apply the principle to small people too! grin

Inseywinseyupthespout Mon 01-Apr-13 14:51:49

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notnowbernard Mon 01-Apr-13 14:54:27

I think definitely ignore the weeing, then

As Iggly says, be really neutral about it. I never used to 'over-praise' using the toilet either, a simple "well done, dd" would do

Save the super-praise for all the good stuff she does, no matter how small

Iggly Mon 01-Apr-13 14:54:36

Yes - my ds was the same with his dd (aggressive). It's only when I started giving him techniques for dealing with his frustration did we get anywhere.

You also have to realise that your reaction will influence how your dd reacts. You notice how nursery staff are disgustingly cheery? Because it works - I've tried it with ds and get much better responses if I'm more positive and encouraging. Very hard to keep up though grin

BettySuarez Mon 01-Apr-13 14:54:54

It definitely sounds like sibling rivalry. She probably feels very insecure rather than jealous but you do need to deal with it for her sake as much as yours and should take a 'kind but firm' approach.

Consistency between you and your DH/partner is vital so sit down and between the two of you decide what is and what isn't acceptable behaviour (write a list if you have to) and then decide on suitable 'punishment' (I use that word lightly given we are talking about a 3 year old).

When she misbehaves - make it very clear that you are unimpressed. Use time out if you have to and just keep putting her back there until she calms down.

When she wee's - don't react. Don't shout. Just calmly clear her/puddle up and then continue with what you were doing beforehand. You could even try waiting a few minutes before doing it to show her that it is no big deal.

Then work on making her feel secure again but only do this when she is being good. At these times, offer her lots of praise, tell het how much you love her. Tell her she is a big grown up girl or still your lovely baby (whatever you think she might prefer to hear).

Talk to her about plans that just you and her can do together/look at her baby photo's together. Whatever you need to do to let her know that she is still very loved and wanted.

But only do these things when she is calm and well behaved.

When she misbehaves, go back to being firm/consistent with an air of 'disinterest' (if that make sense).

Good luck OP, its blooming exhausting but you will get there x

notnowbernard Mon 01-Apr-13 14:55:30

I'd do what Iggly said re managing the aggression toward dd2

Iggly Mon 01-Apr-13 14:55:47

I like the sound RAID!

Iggly Mon 01-Apr-13 14:56:19

*of

Inseywinseyupthespout Mon 01-Apr-13 14:56:42

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notnowbernard Mon 01-Apr-13 14:56:53

Great ideas from Betty as well

Inseywinseyupthespout Mon 01-Apr-13 15:01:16

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Iggly Mon 01-Apr-13 15:02:48

The fibbing is a developmental thing. Ds does this. If he "lies" about the loo, I ask him to do a "sneaky wee" to make sure there isn't a wee hiding - I make a joke of it. Works every time!

Anything else - I can't think off the top of my head as he doesn't do it often. I think he's just testing it out.

notnowbernard Mon 01-Apr-13 15:02:50

the RAID course was great. A good few years ago now but I think they still run them. A really simple concept but makes sense...

fwiw I think 3 yr olds are excellent fibbers, don't stress too much about thatgrin

I think try and focus on the hitting and stuff first, don't tackle everything at once. I remember 3 being so hard with both of my older 2... It's easy to miss the good stuff they say/do when you're head is being done in by the maddening stuff! I bet there's loads though... In fact, tell us 3 lovely things about her smile

Iggly Mon 01-Apr-13 15:03:55

Ha - it's hard and many many times have I felt like I'm doing a rubbish job.

Inseywinseyupthespout Mon 01-Apr-13 15:08:28

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Inseywinseyupthespout Mon 01-Apr-13 15:10:04

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Inseywinseyupthespout Mon 01-Apr-13 15:11:47

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notnowbernard Mon 01-Apr-13 15:13:51

She sounds delightfulsmile

I think the fact that she defends her sister speaks volumes, actually... Clearly she is aware that they have a bond, that she is another important person in her little life. So lovely

Sounds like you've got loads of positive stuff to get started with, hooray!

Btw: I haven't got this parenting lark quite sorted yet myself... Top of my list currently are a very untidy, noisy, selective-hearing 6 yr old and a spitting 2 yr old. Fancy a swap?!

Inseywinseyupthespout Mon 01-Apr-13 15:23:27

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