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How do yo instil your rules with visitors children?

(27 Posts)
Eggsauted Mon 01-Apr-13 13:47:33

I'm feeling a bit crap after a friend visited.

She has 2 dds 8 and 4 I have one dd 8. My dd does not want the younger dd playing in her room as the younger one pulls all toys out stamps on things, has been known to break things because of this, although not deliberate but as a result of just pulling everything out and walking on toys on the floor. Generally there is a massive mess left that my dd finds very overwhelming to clean up once they leave and no attempt is made by them or their mum to tidy up.

I would instigate a tidy up time before they left that would just descend into a screaming battle with her children and she would rush off embarrassed.

So the last few visits my dd has insisted that the younger child does not go in her room, so I get my dd to leave some toys downstairs for younger dc to play with or ensure she gets toys out for her when she comes. On the last visit the DC refused to put toys in box and ended up throwing my dds toys around living room and spitting them from her mouth in protest. So today dd decided she would leave toys out for her rather than her chose her favourite things as she doesn't want her things treated like this.

I explained to dd that is fair enough and reminded her that if she plays in room with older child to be discreet, however they ended up not playing in her room anyway. However the younger child asked dd several times if she could go to her room and my dd said no. The child went up there anyway and her mum ignored this several times and I went up and told her nicely she needs to come down and play with the toys downstairs. This went on continuously whilst her mum ignored her, she ended up laying in my hallway kicking the crap out of my bedroom door. Dd went up to get something and there ended up a bit of a situation where the older sister pushed the younger one in dds room and dd got upset and pulled her out. Still their mum done nothing so I went upstairs and got all dcs down, apart from younger one who was at this point having a full on melt down, for which I feel really guilty and a bit mean that this resulted. I did tell dd off for pulling her around and that she should get an adult to intervene but she then started crying and generally saying it was unfair that her mum just left her upstairs.

I feel really mean about the whole thing but also think my dd should be able to not have her toys and room disrespected to this extent. So was I mean and unfair and can I handle this better in the future?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 01-Apr-13 13:51:45

Yes. you can tell the mum to please ensure her child doesn't go upstairs. And shout down to her to come and get her if she does manage to get upstairs.

Or you could meet in a public place in future.

You may have to be blunt with the mother. Your child is really rough with the toys, as kids are at that age, but she breaks things, accidentally, but that doesn't make them any less broken and this really can't happen because I can't afford to just keep replacing stuff.

Either she'll keep better control or she won't come round any more. Either way, problem solved grin

hotbot Mon 01-Apr-13 13:52:42

I. Would only meet up outside the house. If the mother isn't willing to intervene in this display of bad manners , they seriously wouldn't be coming back.

chocoluvva Mon 01-Apr-13 13:54:24

Depressingly, this is a very common scenario IME.

I don't really know what to suggest other than to try to involve the mum more or only invite the older one round.

Or could you all go to a park or soft-play instead of having them descend on yours?

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 01-Apr-13 13:57:26

I would stop inviting them around, the mum obviously doesn't want to intervene/see her dc is being a pain any reason why you can't go to her house or go out?

chocoluvva Mon 01-Apr-13 14:00:01

Sorry for cross posting. Good advice from Hecsy IMO

Eggsauted Mon 01-Apr-13 14:07:37

I would find the blunt approach pretty awkward TBH. I already put off meeting up quite a lot but Im definetly meeting in public when the weather is warmer. However the other problem with that is that I often feel I'm greeting on at dd to behave etc and her children behave appallingly and quite embarrassing. I feel bad as dd loves the older child but sometimes I just don't want her around them.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 01-Apr-13 14:10:29

Well, if you're not willing to say anything, what are your other options?

not being snippy. grin genuinely asking what are your other options.

chocoluvva Mon 01-Apr-13 14:13:13

Could you meet up in a bigger group of adults and children to dilute their effect?

Eggsauted Mon 01-Apr-13 14:14:17

I have no idea grin, I can't understand how she can just not take the obvious hints she should get involved and sort her dd out.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 01-Apr-13 14:18:56

It's because she doesn't care. It doesn't bother her that they are behaving like that. She isn't going to respond to your hints because either she just doesn't get them or she does but she thinks you are fussy and unreasonable! grin

She's likely sitting there thinking oh ffs just let them play! who cares! grin

If you are bothered, you are going to have to say something. She isn't going to read your mind. She's shown she isn't going to do what you are hinting for her to do.

You are hoping that she will suddenly see things you way and do what you want her to do without you having to have a difficult conversation with her.

Well, nice as that would be grin it's not going to happen. It's not going to change all by itself, so if you aren't going to say anything, you have to accept it.

And start to meet in a coffee shop or something!

chocoluvva Mon 01-Apr-13 14:23:15

It's a shame for her DC2 isn't it? Because she'll not be invited to other people's homes. I sympathise - it's no fun for anyone.

My DC had one or two friends like this. We used to have the children round for specified activities in a group! They're still friends and much easier to deal with now they're older, apart from one girl who isn't a friend of DD's anymore.

bonzoed Mon 01-Apr-13 14:23:22

Re: it not being fair on your Dc to be told off when your friend's DC's are not,
We have had this scenario before and I have explained (not in front of other parent) that I want them to grow up to be nicely behaved and so I am asking them to behave well now. Other parents may not be so fussed whether their children grow up to be well behaved and so don't ask them to behave now. I agree with them that in the short term it feels really unfair but I then ask DCs which type of adult they'd prefer to be and they have always said they want to be a well behaved adult.

chocoluvva Mon 01-Apr-13 14:23:47

It's a shame for her DC2 isn't it? Because she'll not be invited to other people's homes. I sympathise - it's no fun for anyone.

My DC had one or two friends like this. We used to have the children round for specified activities in a group! They're still friends and much easier to deal with now they're older, apart from one girl who isn't a friend of DD's anymore.

chocoluvva Mon 01-Apr-13 14:24:20

Ooops - sorry.

Nancyclancy Mon 01-Apr-13 14:27:28

I have a friend with a dc who sounds similar. I either meet her at her house or somewhere public. I only invite her to mine when her ds is at pre school.

KindleMum Mon 01-Apr-13 14:29:50

I feel very lucky with my friends as none of them act like this in my house. We have one or two rules that are different to friends' house - for example I do not allow children to wander around with drinks and food, they must sit down at the table. It's not that I'm particularly precious about our carpet - it's a rental house and we will have to clean the carpets at the end of our tenancy anyway - but I hate the mess everywhere and sticky toys that results from the children having free range with food. Most of my friends do differently at their homes but when I say, sorry, we sit at the table for our snacks here, they've all told their children to comply straight off.

I would not want to have a friend round who won't get their child to obey house rules and won't deal with the fallout. Meet at her house, or at the park.

ihearsounds Mon 01-Apr-13 14:31:36

You need to tell the mum to instill rules in your house. It is rude to let your kids do whatever they feel like in other peoples homes. If she wants them to be uncontrollable, spoilt and entitled in her home this is her problem. But in yours, this is not acceptable.
She can start by teaching her children how to respect other peoples things. She can do this by showing them. Sitting on her arse and doing nothing is not acceptable. She can explain to her youngest that she cannot go into other peoples rooms.
If she doesn't like it, that is her problem. Why should your dd have her stuff destroyed and her space invaded because neither of the adults are willing to deal with the problem?

SilveryMoon Mon 01-Apr-13 14:33:46

Can you not go to her house? I have a friend whose dc's are so badly behaved and her attitude is not to tell them off, so I don't invite her here. She knows that I purposely don't invite her round and she knows why.
When we are at hers and her dc's behave badly towards my ds's, we just leave.

xxDebstarxx Mon 01-Apr-13 14:46:18

With visitors children I tell the child that I don't let my sons behave like that so it isn't fair if they do it in our house.

With the parents I would ask do you mind telling your child they aren't allowed to do (whatever they are doing I don't like) or do you mind me telling them off when they do (whatever they are doing I don't like)?

HorryIsUpduffed Mon 01-Apr-13 15:07:29

I say "in this house we don't kick / we put puzzle pieces back in their boxes / don't play in grownups' bedrooms" and thus far success, if grudging wink Children do understand that there are different rules in different houses, eg no shoes in Grandad's house but fine at home.

The DD2 should know better at that age. Either there are undiagnosed SNs or she is significantly underparented. And from what OP says, it is the latter.

Children who can't grasp the "local" rules wouldn't get repeat invitations.

Can you invite the 8yo for a drop-and-run without the younger hellcat sister?

Can you just invite the older DD over on her own to play with yours?

As they are both 8 this would make perfect sense, and can be sold by emphasising their lovely friendship. I pretty much never have mum and trailing sibling over for my 7 year old - all her friends are dropped off (alone) at the door and picked up the same way, or walk/ scoot/ bike over if they live near enough. no need to have the 4 year old in the house at all as far as I can see. You and the mum can meet up child free to catch up if you are friends in your own right (not just facilitating a play arrangement) at some mutually convenient time (evening if you have partners to babysit, morning if the 4 year old is at school/ preschool and you have the same morning off at some point etc.)

I also do "we say please/ don't play in the attic/ only play in the room of the child who invited you" but there are some children/ families who don't think things apply to them... One very nice lady I was becoming friends with but her children are just so indulged it is crazy and having her here was a nightmare and unfair on my own kids, I just had to stop seeing as distance and other factors meant meeting in each others houses was the only option.

AChickenCalledKorma Mon 01-Apr-13 15:44:12

Is the mother your friend, or is the 8yo your daughter's friend?

If it's the mother you want to see, meet her for coffee without kids.

If it's the 8yo you want to invite over, invite her without her sister.

The 4yo doesn't really need to be part of the picture and she's probably bored, which won't be helping.

Eggsauted Mon 01-Apr-13 23:13:55

Achicken initially it is an old work colleague and we where friendly at work but never socially, we had our dds at similar time and would occasionally meet up, but as dds got older their friendship really brought us closer.

I must admit at times it has been our own friendship that has been important, especially when dds where little. But dds have obviously then had a consistent connection and now absolutely sore each other.

But at the moment I feel I couldn't really be bothered with either. But I recognise her lack of stepping up has clouded my judgement. There are times when dd asks if we can arrange a meet up and I say no, and tell her quite honestly I find the children's behaviours quite difficult.

The older dd use to be problematic and still is at times but she has matured and the dds do play well now and so I feel guilty for saying no to dd or making up excuses to friend for not being able to meet up, so I'm beginning to wonder myself what relationship is more important. I'm beginning to feel for the last few meet ups I'm only doing it for dds, but that makes me feel bad.

I think I should probably make some arrangements over the next weeks that lead up to summer holidays that involve only older the older dd and see how this transpires. I'm currently working full time so the frequency of meeting up is becoming less, maybe this affects my tolerance levels as I want my weekends off with dd to be far more productive than accommodating other people I'm not really enjoying being around.

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