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my 5 yr old over boistrous for his piers in school

(106 Posts)
littlelyon Fri 22-Mar-13 12:14:27

My 5 year old boy started a new school at the end of January and is apperntly beginning to settle. But other children are saying he is naughty and the teacher told me yesterday that he is being to boistrous for his piers and hurting them. He is big for his age, some of the children one child in particular is half is size.

A lot of the time he is joining in with rough play with the other boys one group in particular because he is the biggest the smaller ones generally end up being pushed over although he is doing the same as them (at lunchtimes) and other times he has pinched another child to stop them hurting a girl. he does that quite a lot he gets involved where he shouldnt.

he pushed over the small child in roleplay in class and he fell onto a plastic box resulting in a cut bottom. My child has had run ins with this boy previously where this boy was playing boxing and seeing who was the strongest and they grabbed each others face. The other boy got a scratch, apparently the apologised at the time to each other.

This is the one side of the problem he isnt hurting children out of anger or spite, but out of some misguided protecting them or because he is not playing gently enough and not thinking. (Not justifying what he is doing) we are constantly explaining/taking toys/early to bed etc to try and get the message through. He just does not think of the consequences, and it will begin to effect his friend making . He is really sensitive and his behaviour will spiral if he thinks he is being told off unfairly or if he is worried about getting into trouble he gets nightmares and cant sleep so we tend to have patches where he gets into a cycle of being overly boistrous and gets in trouble which increases the behaviour.

The other side is a maternal side where the mum of the small child is running to the school and have heard her forcing and leading explanations out of her child, when he clearly knows they were both playing. Because my son is so much bigger than hers i think she thinks he is bullying him when from what I can tell they are playing games they probably shouldnt be and they are both at fault.

It makes me feel isolated at the school gates and embarresed. I do speak to a couple of the other parents, but i feel like i constantly being watched. The other mum hasnt said anything to me and to be honest i wish she would so i could put people right. He has a baby sister and he is wonderful with her , he does what i say at home and is helpful, He is brilliant academically. He is mischievious and although does what i ask can struggle to stop when i tell him to stop doing something.

I dont know what to do. How can i make him be more mindful of his actions ?

purples Mon 25-Mar-13 08:25:23

Hi keepcoolcalmand collected, this thread is about a boy who is large for his age and who enjoys play fighting but he does not have the maturity of age to understand that what he regards as play is harming other children.
Even if 2 boys decide to rough play together, there has to be a certain amount of control in their behaviour towards each other.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Mon 25-Mar-13 09:36:15

Purples - Absolutely that's the whole point of this thread - his mother is asking for advice. No one on this thread is condoning rough behaviour.

purples Mon 25-Mar-13 10:47:06

Yes, and I have tried to offer the mother positive advice. Its a problem that it is in everyones interest in solving.

However, some people have tried to say that all boys enjoy play fighting, I was just pointing out that not all boys do.

littlelyon Mon 25-Mar-13 11:12:38

To confirm the boys my ds is playing with definitely like to play rough he is not doing anything different to them and he comes home with marks etc aswell.

I do try and disuade the rough play and he has tried to tell them he doesn't want to play but he ends up playing with them any how. After all there his friends.

I am want to instill some self displine in him so he can say no and mean no. And I want to know that he can be gentle when playing these games so that he doesn't inflict an injury onto his friends. Especially as one of them is tiny and my ds is so big.

This weekend we have been doing some role play and exploring how different things make us feel. I have also been playing games so he can practice controling his strength. And we have been practicing calming down when he gets to excited.

I am looking at different sports and hopefully by the end of next term he will be settled and not having these issues. I worked out he has actually only been there 6weeks.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Mon 25-Mar-13 12:04:32

With respect I think we will have to agree to disagree.

From my own personal observations, I have NEVER yet seen a boy that hasn't play/pretend fought.

(Likewise I have also seen some very potentially dangerous and malious behaviour - ie. absolutely not play/pretend fighting).

Your children must be in the few that are the exception to the rule. I am not knocking this whatsover, on the contrary it is very good.

purples Mon 25-Mar-13 13:17:32

As you say Keepcalm and cool, we must disagree ( I hate generalisations about childrens behaviour, they are all unique; to say all boys play fight, is in a similar vein to saying all girls play with doll. But lets not get into that argument on this thread, as you say we must agree to disagree.)

As I have previously said; My best advice to littlelyon, is to keep talking to the teaching staff, they are in the best position to offer good advice, they will have seen such problems before, and know your child. Keep talking to his teacher and if necessary headteacher and push for the school to offer practical help for your ds (coaching/advice/mind gym etc.etc.) Don't go into battle with teachers, but listen to their advice.
With other parents you say you feel uncomfortable but you will find more respect from other mothers if you are open about your problems (no one has a perfect child, they just have differing problems), if other mums are aware that you are trying your best to tackle any perceived problems, they may be more sympathetic.

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