Maternal Attachment(17 Posts)
As a separated Dad of a newborn, I'm just wondering when to expect the stage where only mummy will do. I've started having him at mine (at around 2-3 months), and he's an absolute joy, but I'm expecting there may well hit a point in his development where this will need to stop for awhile. He is at the moment comfortable with me, is it at all reasonable to hope this might continue? If not that's fine I just want to make sure he is not distressed needlessly.
Also I should point out he is my first child, so I have a great deal to learn here. I'm ok at feeding, settling and changing him, and I know over time ill get better at working out what he requires at any given time.
Depends on the baby? If mum is out of sight out of mind he might be ok?
My DS is being very clingy with me at 4.5 months, doesn't like settling to bed with DH but he will get there in the end.
Keep persevering, I'm sure you're doing a great job! It's all just a phase and doesn't mean your DC will be less attached to you as he gets older.
Thanks for the kind words! I just want to do best by him. I'm not too worried about when he attaches to me, as I'm very attached to him!
I wouldn't say it would need to stop even if he does go through a clingy to mum stage. However doesn't happen with all babies, it depends on the child and the general routine.
You may find when a little older he may cry or not want to leave mum and eaqually cry and not want to leave you, the transition between drop offs and pick ups can be tricky, just handle it well and hopefully he will feel settled in both places.
It is easy to allow the children to dictate but unless they are at risk or contact is going to harmful then there should be no reason to stop any contact just because of clingy behaviour. The best thing to do is reinforce the attachment with your self also and recognise how important mum is and hopefully if this is a two way thing you will both Support his development the best you can.
My DD is very much a mummy's girl which always gets my husband down. But as a previous poster said it is a case of out of sight out of mind. She can go happily for hours without me and then when she sees me act like she has been tortured horribly. Don't take this personally, rather a stage that has to happen. Just keep on going.
What a lucky little boy he is to have a father like you :-)
Ok so a reasonable plan of approach is just let things progress as they are, unless Mum requests otherwise?
Are you expecting your exp to want to stop things progressing as they are? even if she does I think its important to remember you at also the parent of your baby and its important to build a secure relationship with both of you.
I have no experience of this sort of thing as thankfully happily married but my DD has gone through phases where she wouldn't stay with my husband when I went for a shower. I personally think it's important for you to have a stable pattern and stick to it, and not to change it because the baby seems unhappy one day (obviously if sick this is a different matter). You clearly love your boy to bits and as the previous poster says that relationship is just as important in the long run. It may well be hard for your ex to leave her son if he does go through a phase like that - so she might well cave in if you start saying "if you don't want to..." i'd say much better to reassure her it's all fine, and I am sure that like others say out of sight out of mind - was always the case here (clearly the shower is not out if sight enough!!)
Hopefully she won't, and in fact I suspect she'll be fine with it. My initial concern that caused me to post was basically that I'm aware there may come a time where he doesn't want to be away from Mum, and I didn't want my desire to have him with me sometimes to distress him. Basically I'm just trying to be prepared! I can always go back to visiting him at his Mums place if needs be, and honestly I think she'll be glad of the occasional break! I actually feel that as I only see him a handful of times a week I'm not pulling my weight as a Dad, after all I've not had to deal with night feeds, lack of sleep etc etc, and that feels somehow wrong, but I'll continue to try my best with what I time I have.
Dervel you are ace! Keep going with that attitude and you'll be fine.
Fififrog's advice is very good.
Sounds like you are doing great. My dd was only really totally attached to mummy as a young baby - once weaned - that was it - daddy's girl all the way and it's still a bit like that now (she's 7!). So in my (limited) experience, if he's happy with you at this tender age, that bodes very well for the future.
Could you have him overnight, especially as he seems settled with you? Do stick with it - I have such a soft spot for dad's that make the effort - and I'm sure his mum would like a break. I know it's not easy being the non-resident parent.
I have asked, and Mum is not comfortable with that which is fair enough with the breastfeeding and everything, but I'll keep asking gently!
Oh - if she's still nursing then that wouldn't work yet. But when weaned - then no reason not to get into a new routine.
Thank you all for your insights, and taking the time. It's all very helpful!
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