10 year old 's worrying temper

[Tortington]

its not all the time but her fuse is short and she acts inappropriatley - then tries to strangle herself with her hands - even though we tell her its really not possible - and when that fails she pulls her own hair, or is destructive toward property in the house - its only recently disintegrated to this point.she never does this in public or at school - she has always been the drama queen and door slammer and foot stair stomper when she gets angry at home - which we usually ignore. she obviously feels secure enough to act THIS inapropriatley at home. the trigger today was when she asked dh when i was comming home, dh playing the smart arse and trying to do the funnies said "its private information" she stair stomped all the way up and when dh told her to come back down to ask what was going on she threw a total shit fit and dh sat her on a chair in the dining room near the wall and told her to calm down. she threw the chair, sat on the floor, faced the wall and scratched out in the wallpaper " i hate dad"

needless to say when i walked in dh showed me the wall and DD ended up having a half hour lecture which included issues such as respect and thoughfulness and graciousness. i told her to think of the nice things dad does - how dad walks from work to pick them up from school every day in every weather without his bosses permission( or knowledge) walks them home. i asked her to think of any other family who has picnics on the dining room floor on a sheet without the mum having the hoover out becuase of the crumb crisis, i aksed her to think of the kids at school who dont see theri dads or only see them weekends and would be so happy to have a dad around all the time. i asked her to think of a family who ALL go out on bike rides - or walk the dog on the beach......................needless to say i went on for ages. - they know they shouldnt get me started i turn into a strange combination - an angry liberal!

any way

ideas anyone?
who should i contact becuase i am not asking for parenting skills so much as i am worried about why she has this fierce temper. i have no trouble dealing with her when it happens and am not stressed - just a bit pissed of that my wallpapers fecked. am just worried about her

[Festivefly]

Custardo, come into the bar and air your worries there, we are being deep

[aloha]

Oh dear it sounds to me as if she's heading towards teenagerdom...fasten your seatbelts...it's going to be a bumpy ride. And if someone has a hair trigger temper before then it will get worse, I think.
On this specific instance, I can see how that would make her explode. That sort of teasing is (sadly) exactly the sort of thing that makes me go BOOM! I dread to think what I'd do if someone told me to calm down at the same time! I know she's only ten but might she might well be getting those hormone surges and IME of being one and having a 12 year-old stepdaughter, a sense of humour about being teased is the first thing to go when the hormones kick in. I think from your dd's age up it is so important for them not to be humiliated or teased or embarrassed. We make an effort not to tease dsd at all now - it's too upsetting for her and she's a very placid girl by nature, not fiery like me. Mind you, if she tore our wallpaper I would go bonkers - I really would.

[crystaltips]

Hoooorah ! SNAP !!!
Your little girl is turning into a young lady - well at least that's what I try to tell my DD ( when I am feeling calm ) ... what I really want to say is that she's turning in to a "proper little madam" !!
Aloha is right - it's hormones. Ever since my kids have been unable to understand - I have always introduced a degree of humour into our converstaions ( like "private information" ) ... but suddenly it's not so funny any more and I am on a massive learning curve! BOY IT'S HARD !
My two are like Jeckyll and Hyde .... adorable one minute and like that child from The Exorcist the next ... All I can say is that I understand totally.
I think that it's the 80 - 20 rule.... allow the majority of stuff to pass ( the mood swings and the simple back chat ). But the 20% of the behaviour that is TOTALLY unacceptable has to be punished.... Kids / Young people still need to know the boundaries ... but they also need a bit of slack and TLC.

HTH - Note to self .... Practice what you preach

[WideWebWitch]

Custardo, no experience but someone on this thread reckoned Get out of my life was a great book for dealing with teenagers. I agree, it sounds like hormones and teenagerhood are responsible. Not looking forward to it myself - reckon it'll make a five yo tantrum look like a walk in the park. Eeeek!

[Rhubarb]

Hey Custy, your dd sounds a bit like me, do you not remember? I used to trash my bedroom if I couldn't get my own way. As it was always my stuff I had totalled, I knew I would get sympathy and attention rather than into more trouble. My reason was that I was confused and unhappy and I wanted someone to pay me a bit of attention. Perhaps that's what she is doing? It's that feeling of not being a child anymore, but not being an adult either.

Have you tried talking to her and asking how she feels? Perhaps suggest a bit of mother-daughter time with her. Tell her you understand her struggles at the moment, but you'd much rather she came and talked to you than wreck the house. Try not to shout at her but be understanding and give her a little extra bit of attention. She'll probably always have a temper, much like I have, that will blow up when the hormones are right, but you can help her to deal with it in a more positive way.

Does she have many female friends at school? Is she feeling isolated at all? Remember that at this age, it's the prime time for bullying. All those girls with these hormone surges, they'll take out their frustration at school, on the quiet ones.

Hope she's ok Custy!

[crystaltips]

WWW thanks for the other link .... Have just been to Amazon to buy the book that was recommended !

[aloha]

Custardo, from talking to psychologists over the years, the normal 'expert' advice on temper per se is usually to look for reasons why she might be stressed (we lose our temper far quicker and more ballistically if we are already stressed) - eg school or friendships etc. Then look at ways (involve her in this) of defusing it before it blows via distraction and cooling off time. Eg it might have been better to let her go upstairs and be on her own for a bit to get herself under control and then distract her with a bit of telly or a light chat (maybe to tell her when you were really getting back ). This is usually the most effective technique. She can learn to do it for herself too with a bit of help, they say!

[Ailsa]

Custardo, you could be talking about my dd1. We had a tantrum tonight because I brought the wrong thing back from Birmingham, Orange Clickits which are flowers instead of Blue Clickits which are geometric shapes. We usually get notes from her saying that she hates us all, wishes she'd never been born etc. She's calmed down now, but we'll wait and see what she has a tantrum about tomorrow.

[Ailsa]

BTW she's 9 yo, and also never does this in public or at school.

[JanH]

Custy, it's your daughter who has the hearing problems, isn't it? Might that have anything to do with it - what aloha said about being stressed plus the hormone surge etc?

I'm sorry about your wall - I would be mad too.

[Tortington]

yes janh your right she does have the hearing problems and this is usually the source of her frustration which sprialls into a " i hate you all" kinda thing which has in turn turned into her normal pattern of behaviour of dealing with any anger.

she loves school she has girls fighting over her and who is going to be her best friend - i have to remind her to not leave any one out!! which is great.
you lot are right as per usual - yesterday i was for dragging her off to see a head shrink - but maybe its part of her growing up!

the only person i have to compare her to is my 14 yr old lad - and he is great up to now - we have our moments occasionally on the whole hes a love pot.

ta trez muchio all - i needed someone to sound off to!

[tigermoth]

custardo, I didn't comment earlier because I have zilch experience of pre teens and teenagers. But with a 9 year old, I suspect I will be on a steep learning curve soon. So I'm taking a keen interest in threads like this. I'm glad you feel better about your daughter.

[Cam]

Hi Custy, your dd's behaviour sounds like me at 13 (except I wouldn't have dared touch the wallpaper). I think girls have the hormones at 10 now that we had at 13, they're just growing up so much earlier. I certainly didn't mean it when I told my mother I hated her during arguments when I couldn't get my own way, it was just a way of asserting my "independence". The thing is, it's so frustrating for the parent (as well as hurtful) but my view is that they genuinely can't help it. It WILL pass (in a decade or so!!) I was compared with my elder brother too, who could do no wrong, etc, but boys and girls can be very different. I would say don't worry about her, she will be alright when she grows out of it. I also had the same thing with my eldest dd (although at a slightly later age). I learnt the hard way that they would do what they wanted anyway so the main thing was that I stay sane (that's the hard bit). I do feel for you but rest assured that you are doing nothing wrong, just be there for her when she wants to talk calmly, etc and don't take it personally. God, how easy is it to give advice to someone else, I'll have to try to remember my own advice when dd2 starts with the teenage stuff!Love Cam xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Tortington]

thank you
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