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Help me to stop shouting (really shouting) at my children

(133 Posts)
chestnutblue Wed 23-Jan-13 10:23:51

I have three, ages 6, 4 and 1. I find I am very hard on 6yo son. He drives me crazy because he doesn't listen or do as he is told and is unkind to 4yo. I know he's only small and this is normal but it literally drives me crazy. I find myself screeching at him, utterly furious that once again he is not listening. Repeating myself endlessly is soul destroying.
How do you deal with this sort of behavious? (mine and his).
What coping techniques do you use?
Please help, I am a hideous mum who is making my lovely boy miserable.

TreadOnTheCracks Thu 14-Feb-13 20:56:44

Maisy. It's so hard and I suppose it's going to take time to change our ways as well as our DCs reaction.

DD (7) was a nightmare at the shop after school. I was pretty calm, pleased with myself, then as we were driving home I realised I'd forgotten the milk and bread I really went for and exploded at the thought of having to stop at the local shop.

I have resolved to try and have a little talk with her /them before we going shopping next time to make sure she is clear on the behaviour I expect and see if that helps.

Ah well, another day tomorrow!

MaisyMoo123 Fri 15-Feb-13 18:14:54

Urghh! Shopping can be a real flashpoint can't it Tread! You have my sympathies - the number of times I've come out frazzled and angry without the one thing I went in for! I hope your chat works well and it's more successful next time!

Things are ok here. I'm still feeling hormonal and generally snappy but have been keeping it under control - just about! Ds (just 4) has been testing the boundaries a bit today but I've managed to stop myself exploding. I think I'll reward myself with a glass of wine later! wink

TreadOnTheCracks Fri 15-Feb-13 20:21:17

Enjoy that wine!

Tearaway Mon 11-Mar-13 10:09:11

Aspiemum - would you be able to share some ideas that you used to help DH? Mine loves his kids to bits and is really affectionate when they come for tickles and loves nothing more than to snuggle with them on the sofa but he is incredibly intolerant of childish behaviour and doesn't seem to remember what it is like to be a bouncy, irresponsible, self-centred child. He really shouts at the boys when they get on the wrong side of him - my 7yr old in particular. DS can be infuriating: whilst mostly obedient, he sometimes chooses to ignore requests or does the opposite of what he has been asked. He has a particular problem with doing things he has been told repeatedly not to do (i.e a game will start up with his younger brother, he'll run away and slam the door shut to keep his brother out - it's all in play but fingers could get lost and we have lost count of the times we have told him not to do it and why - he's always sorry but gets tearful (after being shouted at) and says he "forgets") . Where his behaviour is wrong, I accept that we need to deal with it but DH's response is to absolutely bellow with fury. He is never violent but the shouting scares me even. In the last two weeks I have had the following from DS:

"you must be disappointed that you chose the wrong boyfriend to be your husband because Dad does get quite angry".

He told me that, although I was "kind", I only scored 7.5 out of 10 because I chose an angry man as my husband.

This morning, after a conversation today about a teacher who had time off because his father died last week, he projected it onto himself and said "it would be quite sad because someone had died but it would be good because then you could marry someone who wasn't so angry".

Each time I have let it just drift and then changed the subject. I don't want to tell him his thoughts are wrong because I need him to be able to speak openly with me but this morning's comment really worried me.

Can anyone offer some thoughts? Even commentary on whether I should be approaching things differently and telling DS not to talk that way.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 11-Mar-13 10:25:08

Hiya similar problems here! I spoke to my dr how over the top and hard I was being on dc for minor things and he switched my birth control pill. Only the last month so can't for sure say it's working but it's not been a normal month either.

Hullygully Mon 11-Mar-13 10:26:15

tearaway that has made me so sad! He is telling you these things because he desperately needs you to intervene. Please acknowledge what he is saying and the truth of the shouting, it is really hard for a child to have their reality ignored.

Dh needs some behaviour management strategies. Seriously.

One of the best pieces of advice i ever got was when my first child was a baby and a friend said, you just have to always remind yourself who is the parent.

Parents are the adults and they musn't shout at kids, little people smaller than themselves, because the relationship is unequal. If you shout at them it is like bullying, and also means you are reacting to them like a child yourself, not like the parent.

I appreciate everyone knows and accepts shouting is wrong and horrid, but all the shouting makes me sad. Well doine to everyoine trying to change it and I agree it is all about anger and unresolved issues in the adult.

GotABitTricky Sat 26-Dec-15 11:21:30

Good thread - worth bumping after a search found little other info.....

I live with a screecher. Had a couple of hours of it this morning.

I never sat on sidelines but kept intervening and supporting other parent to separate kids and calm situation, but second I was sent back to do job I been ordered to do this morning, it all kicked off again.

Must have been 25+ incidents over last 2 hours. It was almost constant shouting. And swearing from mother and oldest kid.

I am at wits end. And now I getting blamed for it, when I feel I was the peace-maker literally 25 occasions.

Wish she would go out to boxing day sales, so house can be calm and we all can get tasks done. Mainly kids getting to play with their new toys.

WhatHo Wed 27-Jan-16 13:04:08

I know this is an old thread but there is so much good advice on it I'm bumping it.

After searching MN in tears this am after screaming at my 6yo DD again while running late for school, and hating myself as I am the adult - apparently - I'm going to use lots of the tactics here and resolve to actually read 'How to Talk...' rather than just staring at in on my shelf.

chestnutblue in the unlikely event you see this, did you manage to keeping working with the not shouting?

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