DS wants to chop chop baby with a chainsaw :((12 Posts)
Thought that may get your attention.
I gave birth on the 07th December to DD, I also have a DS who is 2 yrs 3 months. We've co-slept until recently as he only self weaned 3 months ago and despite trying to get a bedroom ready for him, we had lots of building work to stop damp so that was held up. He has been good as gold except he keeps saying he wants to chop his little sister up into little pieces, grabs his toy chainsaw, circular saw and drill and enacts it, I stop it saying its not very nice but trying not to make a huge deal.....what should I be doing?
It's disturbing me a bit, he puts a odd voice on and says ' chop chop up into little pieces', he's a joy, it's just this insecurity I think coming out, how do I reassure him...and stop this strange behaviour. PIL came round the other day and he did it and there were raised eyebrows.
Sounds like you're handling it just right to me.
Bright and breezy, tell him it's not nice, then distract him with something else.
It's a time of great change for him, and he's just finding his bearings, but you know all that already.
Ignore raised eyebrows.
Or ask raised eyebrows to do a spot of babysitting.
Honestly, he is 2 years old. I really do doubt that he wants to cause his new sister any harm.
Like you said he is use re-enacts it. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.
Sorry to drip feed, but he has also started to be really rough with our cats who he loves. He just threw a big log at one of them!! Husband just brought him in after they went out.
I know he's going through big change, just worried it may escalate.
I too would ban those play toys, just to reinforce that its nice play or no play. It may just be enough to break they cycle for a few weeks before you return them to him. I wouldn't be overly worried but I would reinforce kind play at all times and either remove him from the situation or remove the things he using aggressively. Other than that I wouldn't make a big deal, just be consistent with kind play or no p,any and set the boundaries. Also keep him involved with baby, helping, fetching and carrying things, kids love that and feel very grown up and involved.
2 year olds have no concept of the outcomes of their action like that.
They do however have a strong sense of having been displaced, and moving to his own room moments (in his mind) before seeing his baby sister take his place in your bed will be churing him up no end. He has no other way to express his feelings.
Penelope Leach suggests that when older siblings show fury and resentment to a nw baby it helps to appear to take the toddlers side. When changing a nappy to say 'oh, no, that nuisance baby needs a new nappy, again, oh dear'. And when it cries to say 'oh, that baby does make a noise, doesn't it?'. It feels counter-intuitive, but I can see that it makes a child feel that someone is on their side in having some misgivings about the 'interloper'. It is something you would drop v quickly thouhg, I would guess!
I would be very low key in response to chainsaw threats, and calmly distract. Because apart from anything else if there is a 'shock horror' consternation he will learn that threatening violence is a great way to get attention - exactly what he wants.
To a toddler, bringing a new baby into the household must feel much as it would feel if your DH brought in a new wife an expected you to be pleased, and help look after her etc!
And yet, fantasy revenge violence against the OW is often expressed in threads on MN and received with understanding - because we know it to be the expression of a natural feeeling, an also fantasy. Let kids have expression through play!
Could you co-sleep for a while longer? I also co-slept with my toddler who self weaned a couple of weeks before her sister was born. i just carried on sleeping with both of them in the bed (and like Goldilocks they are still there..). I also found that involving dd1 in the routine of baby care as much as possible helped her feel that she was with me, and we were both looking after the new baby. (she would get the nappy ready, fetch cotton wool and bowls of water etc). My dd was 2 and 4m when dd2 was born, so the same gap as you have. One day when we were really distracted and not giving dd1 much attention due to pressing house-move problems, she bit dd2 really hard on the arm. I was very cross indeed but it did prompt a heart to heart and helped her express some of the anger at sharing our attention. I also had one-on-one time with her every week or so, where I would bf the baby, then leave her with DH and whizz out with dd1 to an icecream parlour or the park, something fun to do together. i would be back in two hours just in time to feed dd2, but DD1 still remembers those times and they were really important to her, I think i need to start them again actually. (my dds are now just-turned-8, and 5).
DH is cosleeping with him now, I'm on a single mattress with Sidecar cot in same room, I did try and carry on cosleeping with him but getting up and feeding, changing baby was disturbing him and he was getting up and 4/5am, now it's back to 7 am. I did say to DH that I think I should cosleep again with him. I'm trying to do the bedtime story with him and get him off to sleep as usual, just difficult with a demanding newborn. I'm going to wait until he's settled before I move rooms. I'll try me in with him tonight.
I've temporarily removed the toy power tools, just doing some painting now and play doh!
I agree with carling and i think you are right on the money OP when you say this is him showing his feelings of insecurity. Your ds has little other way to explain his feelings of insecurity.
I was going to suggest trying to involve him in changing, fetching things etc but as carling says perhaps expecting him to help might be a bit much if he sees little sis as an interloper! However I think I might try what carling says in her first post about empathising with ds about how different it is with the baby, and add that you could use his help to clean up after her etc. Perhaps this would validate his feelings whilst helping him to feel involved?
I would keep ignoring/distracting the chainsaw play, I think banning would attract his attention to it too much and not be helpful in processing his feelings.
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