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Help me. I am being awful to my DD :(

(14 Posts)
MrsWhirling Thu 27-Dec-12 16:21:53

My DD is 5 and is a gorgeous, clever and intelligent child if somewhat spoilt as until 30 Nov she was our only child and my parents only grandchild.

DS was born three weeks ago and DD was very involved and excited throughout my pregnancy and his birth - she adores her brother.

Whilst I was pregnant I wasn't at all worried about DD being jelous or anything like that as she is so grown up and clever. However I wasn't prepared for just how little patience I would have with her once he was born.

DS is ebf and therefore attached to my boob quite a lot but I do my best to involve her in his care - bathing and changing which she loves but I find myself feeling irritated by her.

Once a great sleeper since she changed to a single bed some two years ago she often wakes in the night and demands to get in our bed. This has become nightly now and if I try to refuse she will scream and cry and say she is scared. Inevitably this ends in me & DP arguing as he is happy to let her have his place in our bed leaving me to look after two small children in the night while he sleeps on the sofa.

She ended up in bed with me last night after waking me and DS up with her screaming. I was so angry that I curled up as far away from her in the bed as possible and didn't speak to her once sad

She has been poorly with a virus and I want to care for her but she hates everything I do. Last night she told me she hated me because I hurt her whildt brushing her hair.

I spend the days avoiding her, ignorning her bad behaviour and then when she finally sleeps I sit at the end of her bed sobbing because I feel so sorry for her and guilty for shouting at her so much and being so angry towards her.

She has always been mummy's girl and we were always incredibly close. I just don't know what to do. I can't believe I am writing this about my DD and it makes me so sad as I love her so much. Did anyone else struggle with after the birth of DC2?

PoppyWearer Thu 27-Dec-12 16:32:30

My DD is 4yo and DS was born when she was 3yo.

We've definitely had some ups and downs since he was born, lots of clinginess and jealousy. I bf him until recently so she has had to spend lots more time with DH than before, and often wants "Mummeeeee" rather than him. Cue some tense times, tears, tantrums and a bit of shouting.

But....things have got better as they have both got a bit older. I have tried to make time for the odd "girl's day out" when we head to a theme park together or the cinema for a princessy film. I try not to play up gender stereotypes too much, but it's a nice counterbalance to Daddy-time.

Your DS is still very young so he does need you more at the moment than she does, especially with the bf'ing. Cut yourself some slack too, you have just had a baby (congrats).

bananainmyhair Thu 27-Dec-12 22:37:06

It's such early days. No wonder you feel tired and irritable, please don't feel bad. Could your partner help out any more? Things will get easier and make more sense in a couple of months, I'm sure.

You sound like a lovely mother, don't worry - you won't feel irritated by your daughter forever - it's just sleep deprivation and getting used to the change.

If it's possible, maybe spend some quality time just the two of you? x

tazmo Thu 27-Dec-12 22:46:31

Hi sounds like she is regressing a bit to get some attention. I have 3 children now - youngest is 5 months. Other two are 2 and 4. My two year old is the one who has been most are hit as I exclusively bf her until 11 months but I felt my relationship with ds1 was affected. So I made the decision to only bf for 12 weeks or. So. In fact, did mixed feeding with dd3 and have been able to give the other two lots of time.

You are still recovering from the birth and you may have a bit of the baby blues (my temper has been rather short with ds1 and dd2). Try and get dh to take baby and let u spend an hour with your daughter at bed time - read her stories etc. try to get the balance again - but don't put too much pressure on yourself. My ds who is 4 can be a wee pain in the ass - but kids are clever and can play on your weaknesses but be firm and consistent. My ds has been coming in our bed at night I don't mind that too much as he drops off to sleep in his bed and its usually about 6 am. Again, I think that's him feeling a bit special as dd2 does not come through at all. He sometimes is cold. Does dd have a night light?

Try not to worry too much. She'll get in the swing of it - if you feel she is pushing it, be firm but consistent and move on. Try to get dh to help too!!!!

tazmo Thu 27-Dec-12 22:48:14

Ps my 4 year old son loves it when I lie dd3 beside him as he's going to bed. He loves that!

MsFlippingHeck Thu 27-Dec-12 23:41:09

Agree, it's v early days don't be hard on yourself. I think it's often the way. your hormones are all geared up for you caring for a newborn not dealing with a small demanding child.

I've been in the same situation. Infact I wake up practically ever night sandwiched between 3.5 yo dd and 10mo ds. Try to remember her world has turned on its head and she's just seeking reasurrance. I read on here 'fake it till you make it' which I used when ds was tiny. I said the right things to dd, was enthusiastic about whatever she wanted me to look at/play even if inside I did not feel it. Eventually things calmed down,

Valdeeves Thu 27-Dec-12 23:52:29

Do you live in my house? I have exactly the same thing except DS is 3 and DD is 2 months. It's hard isnt it? I feel constantly guilty too - I think the waking up in the night then the excessive clinginess are what cause you to feel irritable - it's almost 24 hr parenting with little sleep and no down time. Often I end up sleeping in DS's bed as he's "scared" then running in to DD when she cries for her feed.
Tiring times - but I am focusing on counting my blessings as they are both so beautiful.

sedgieloo Fri 28-Dec-12 22:35:59

Mrswhirl. My heart goes out to you. My situation is different in that dd is two and I have a nine week old. But my relationship with her has also changed because I just can't get that 1:1 time with her. I find myself getting cross with her and her especially loud attention seeking behaviour - no doubt all about her needing reassurance and reacting to suddenly having to share me. . It's such a big adjustment for everyone but you will get there and so will we.

I'm trying to give her as much attention as I can. I'm trying to exercise patience. I'm being conscious not to give dc2 too much fuss on front if her. I'm bigging her up as his fantastic sister left right and centre. She is being pretty naughty tbh, but I am looking fogr the good. She is asking for cuddles a lot, she is not the cuddly sort so this speaks volumes. I cuddle if i can, difficult when bf!

Anyway this may not help much but you are not alone. Your daughter can't help herself. I suspect like mine she might be missing you.

Cerealqueen Sat 29-Dec-12 18:51:47

Op, I could have written this a year ago. I'd be in tears some days, even when putting DD1 to bed wondering how I could ever have changed our cosy little threesome, feeling guilty for having DD2 and then being irritated by DD1 when like you, we had been so close. DD1 kept calling out in the night, I coud not go to her as was breastfeeding and DD2 liked to be permanatly latched on so her dad had tio go to, and then the night terrors started. Awful times.

Remember you have all been through a major upheaval with the arrival of a new baby and may still have some baby blues. Talk to your HV, I did, in between the tears and it helped.
Try and spend one hour a day doing a 1:1 activity that you know she loves, keep on involving her in the care of the baby as your special little helper and as sedgieloo says, big up her role as big sister as much as you can.
If you can, go out for cake or special treat at weekend and leave DC2 with Daddy.
Maybe buy this book:
as you will see what you are going through is quite normal.

It will get better, now I see DD1 an DD2 a year on playing together and my heart swells.

GreatUncleEddie Sat 29-Dec-12 19:04:09

You have a four week old baby, of course things are tough. Give yourself a break and get your DH to do more.

Lise007 Tue 01-Jan-13 21:47:29

Hi. I know How you feel. It happened to me a year ago. My 2 year old slept great until his little sister arrived! All of a sudden he needed a wee about 6 times a night and 15 cuddles in bed! I cried loads as all I wanted was to do was sleep. I got so angry with him at times. But I never let him sleep in my bed, I just reassured him I was there for him always. A year on he is great, apart from all the fighting with his sister lol. But they also love each other so much. It's a bond which is really special to see. I had my worries that I had taken on too much having a second child ( as I wanted to cry often in the early hours) but I promise it will get better, and worth all the hard work. Good luck x

ThisIsMummyPig Tue 01-Jan-13 22:10:58

The first thing to remember is that christmas is really stressful for everyone, and it has really thrown my almost 5yo as a lot of her routines are gone, and she didn't want a strange man coming into her house in the middle of the night.

The single most important thing that you can do is try and find half an hour a day which is special mummy DD1 time. When I had DD2 I used to cuddle DD1 in bed for half an hour, and if DD2 cried, then she cried. (she was with DH, and I would make sure she had a sleep first.

Can you ask her to just come into your room, rather than screaming first? She is big enough to understand that if she wakes DC2 then you have to deal with that first, and then she gets put to the bottom of the pile. Even better, could your DH go and sleep with her a night a week, so she never gets out of bed at all?

I had real problems after DD2, but my DD1 was younger, only 2.3. I ended up going to the doctors because I was scared I would hit her one day, and they diagnosed PND. I think you should bear that in mind if you carry on feeling like this.

Also it's only a week until they go back to school - if you can hang on to then, you can maybe rest a little in the day, and have more strength at 3.30 to try and deal with your DD. My heart really goes out to you. Try and rest as much as you can, and forget about the housework etc

lucylookout Tue 01-Jan-13 22:54:38

Mrswhirling, I completely understand how you feel. Ds2 is 5 months old. DS1 is really irritating me and I feel crap about it. It took me ages to conceive much longed for ds2 (including a late pregnancy loss and an early miscarriage) and I can honestly say it was ds1 who kept me going. I don't know how I would have coped with him. And now as delighted as I am with ds2, I miss the really close relationship ds1 and I had, and feel like I'm betraying him by feeling like this sad

growingweeble Wed 02-Jan-13 21:13:42

I feel the same. Since having dd2 my relationship with dd1 is so hard. She can be fantastic with her new sister, but can also be sooo annoying when she makes a loud noise to wake up the baby, etc. it's so hard managing two little ones.

One thing I found helpful when bf is a stash of eye spy type books where you have to find things on a page.. When I'm bf, I can cuddle up on the sofa with dd1 and we can look through the book. Make sure you get books that stay open on their own and don't need the pages turning very often.

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