I think my kids are spoilt! Help!(17 Posts)
I really think my kids are spoilt, in fact I know they are, as their behaviour is simply awful 75% of the time, and I really need to crack down on it. DD1 is nearly 14; she won't lift a finger to help in the house, her room is a state, she speaks disrespectfully to us all, and is never happy. DD2, 8, also won't lift a finger in the house, gets in terrible sulky moods, and again is never happy. DS is 3 and I'd say he is the best behaved of all 3; a typical 3 year old but I am being so careful with him to implement boundaries and not let him have his own way.
The two eldest both have this constant look on their faces like they are about to cry, unless they're doing something that they 100% want to do. For example if we go into town and DD1 wants to go in primark, but I need to go to the bank, she'll do a squealy whine and pull this face like she's going to cry. DD2 is the same when she isn't doing what she wants to do. DD2 gets in moods that last for days and days, and both girls just wind each other up constantly. They also do the 'I'm going to cry face' if they are asked to do anything in the house, even turn a light off that they have turned on, and they sometimes do a squealy cry too. Also they both are so fussy and just pull their 'face' at anything that isn't junk food, and then start trying to raid the cupboard and fridge for snacks.
To give an example of their behaviour recently; at nearly 14 I tell DD1 she needs to get her things ready for school the night before. This morning she hadn't bothered doing that last night, and so had a screaming tantrum at me early this morning, whilst I was still in bed, as she couldn't find an ironed shirt (she is meant to iron them herself the night before but 9 times out of 10 won't do it). She cries at everything.
Also we had a weekend away last weekend, somewhere really lovely where the kids love going and their behaviour all weekend was atrocious. DD2 was in a foul mood, and was rude, un co-operative and kept hitting her sister, and DD1 was moody unless we were doing anything she had chosen to do. Other children seem so enthusiastic about things but mine are just never happy.
The weekend is the final straw for me; I realise we really need to sort their behaviour out. First thing I'm going to do is cut their lifestyles back to basics; no clubs, friends to play, treats, treat foods etc until they are toe-ing the line a bit more. Has anyone else got any suggestions? What else can I do?
How are you with them? Do you follow through with rules/instructions/consequences? Are you always friendly, or can you be stern when necessary? Do you negotiate/allow leeway for peace? Do you reward them with affection when they've done something good (regardless of how small?)
What rules/consequences do you have at the moment? What happens when they do the whining and sad face.
Just thought: you might want to post this on 'Pareting' too
Thank you everyone! Ok, well I am probably too liberal with them, and I admit I do give in for a quiet life at times. Sometimes their whining and tantrums go right through me and it's easier to let them have their own way. Very wrong I know, and it has to change.
DD1 has a mobile, but I really need her to have one to keep in contact with me during the day in case she misses the school bus or has an emergency on the journey home.
With regards to consequences, we are rubbish with those, and not brilliant at following them through. Again, something that needs to change.
Will post this on parenting too, thanks :-)
Spend Christmas day helping in a homeless shelter?
That's why you're having problems, I reckon. They know if they crack on with whining and whinging, you'll give in. Youv demonstrated this previously, but you've got to toughen up and stand by decisions through your actions.
You see, the bank/Primark problem? I'd say (in your current situation, not with well behaved 8/14yo): "That's fine. I'll not go to the bank. Well go to Primark, have a look around ... but we won't be buying anyhing."
They'd protest. They'd say you were being unfair. They'd whine. But try wouldnt dictate where we go first, because I'd show them that I was going to go to the bank for a reason. And the consequence of being a pain in the arse is me being a bigger pain in the arse. They'll quickly learn not to do it again.
It will be hard for you, but you really do have to lead with actions. Yet are going to hate you in that special way that teenagers do - only for a little while - and then things should improve.
Good luck xx
And I think helping in a homeless shelter is a wonderful idea. Also, see if you can do one of those Christmas Box thingies - some kids don't had anythingfor Christmas. Its humbling to pack a box for a child who you know will otherwise receive nothing. I did one with my 4yo DD and it was quite a moving experience for me, and she is starting to learn that not all children are as lucky as her.
Thank you Molotov, lots of fab advice there! All taken on board. I don't think we'd be able to do the homeless shelter thing this year as we have plans for Xmas with family, but I love the Xmas box idea, will look into that today.
Bonsoir, yes our house is organised, but I'm not sure what you mean by purposeful?
I'm not sure cutting all their activities will work (or be fair). It sounds like you want to blame them and think making their life miserable will help. I'm not sure it will I think it might make them resentful and angry with you and more reluctant to toe the line.
I think they might need to know a change is coming but that is as much from you and how you parent /react. If you don't currently follow through or have consequences then that needs to change. As per bank example above.
I can totally see what you're saying PetGiraffe, and to be honest you are probably right. I don't think they should be able to do fun things though when they a) don't appreciate them and b) aren't happy when they're doing them, just whiny and moany
She probably means something that's the Anglo-French lifestyle equivalent of Feng-Shui.
The last thing on Earth I'd ever do is tell MNers my kids were spoilt. I hope you don't come in for a pasting.
I too know the feeling of having a 4yo who is better behaved than my older ones -- sometimes. Depends on the child and the moment. Do you think that you actually indulge them? I turn pretty ratty if they won't do basics like turn a light on for me.
With the 14 year old I would suggest.
Sitting down and explaining why her behaviour is unacceptable and tell her you are going to do the following
Stop doing her laundry
Stop getting her organised for school.
The only way she will stop treating you like the hired help is if you stop acting like it.
With the 8 year old, simply say No and let the whining commence. As for leaving toys etc on the ground, explain that if she doesnt pick it up you will throw it out. She probably won't pick it up, then you throw the toy out, then there is a meltdown, but then she thinks twice about doing it again.
Can you tell I did this before!
I hope that MrsM doesn't get criticism, just the practical help she is asking for. She's admitting that there is a problem and is seeking help in the safety of an anonymous forum. What is to judge? Who is to judge?
Are you on your own or do you have a partner? raising kids n your own is harder, imo, as you do not have the back- up of another adult enforcing the same rules.
I think you will have to find a way that suits your personality.
If you are soft and easygoing, you will not be able to suddenly go all sergeant major on them!
I am always surprised that my 10 and 8 year old still push boundaries, and how firm I still have to be with them. No advice on 14 yr olds!!!
Just wanted to let you know that I often think parenting is blQQdy hard work, and it is easier to spoil them...hard work it is.
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