Help with my 6 year old Rebel(10 Posts)
Our little peanut, has got to be the most strong willed, explosive little man I have ever seen.
He is 6 years old, and cries and throws fits like he is 2 years old, and I have had enough and am going crazy. He has always been a difficult child, always goes against the grain, beats to his own drum, it is his way or the highway.
You would think he is an only child the way he acts, but nope, he is the youngest of three boys. We cant eat, leave the house, get dressed, have a bath, go to bed, or go to school without a major fit, a Shrek at the top of his lungs like an opera singer fit. I ignore him, I say that I don't understand the voice hes using and needs to talk to me without whining so that I can hear him, we have a reward bored for good behavior that we use. I have even resorted to paying him, and I know that's wrong but I seriously can not take it anymore.
To make matters worse then they already are we just moved to France from Canada and they are in a new(all french) school. Well, I have to carry him in as he kicks and screams and cry's and his teacher has to peal him from me, and I stay consistent " we have to go to school, you can go in nicely and have a great day, or you can go in screaming, but either way your going", and I leave I do not drag it out or make it worse, I know better then that I am a nursery school teacher, but it still doesn't help. Now I would feel bad if this behavior was new, caused by the move, but yet again, nope, he has been doing this since Daycare and all through the past 3 years of school. But now the school here has zero tolerance for this kind of behavior, children here don't act like this. People stare at me like I have three heads because my child is the one acting like that at school, hes the one laying on the floor at the grocery store screaming while I check out the Groceries, the kid that is kicking and hitting me in line at the bank, while I just ignore him. It is SO out of control, I don't know what to do, I have no friends in France, I am on my own to deal with my little rebel without any guides, please, please, can someone make a suggestion, I am willing to try anything at this point in time.
Have his school mentioned his behaviour or is he well behaved once you have left? What you describe indicates that he is having some kind of trouble with ether communication or sensory issues.
I'm thinking : Is he very naughty or is there a medical reason? Is it severe insecurity/separation anxiety or is he just bloody stubborn? Is it that he might feel he gets less attention then other siblings/other people and this is his way of making you pay extra attention? (negative is better then none as we all know...)
Is he bored? Tired? Hungry? Restless? A combination of these? (can't think of anything else)
are you able to figure out what triggers his negative behaviour? that could be a good starting point.
Mine have tantrums, every day, for different reasons, as long as I know why I can sort it out or ignore it...
Problem is when there seems to be no reason and they refuse the simplest, everyday practical things.
That baffles me.
I once allowed/made my 5 year old walk to the car in his socks. he just wouldn't put his shoes on, no matter what I did or say. I gave up trying to reason with him. Off he trotted. I was actually delighted that the patch of grass was soaking wet. he cried that his socks got wet. duh! how about wearing shoes then?
words don't matter, actions do. keep calm (hahaha I hear you laugh, if only..) but seriously, just pretend to him that you are calm. try to ignore others, they don't matter. ask him what he wants. listen to what he says. rephrase what he says thus helping him clarify his feelings. Boys are much less verbal then girls (you know this), sometimes unable to express their thoughts and feelings and they get very frustrated and act up.
Imagine this - he is a tourist, barely speaking your language asking for directions. you'd try to be patient, finding out what he wants first, then try to explain what needs to be done (masking you annoyance and be polite!), draw him a map, use gestures or just hold his hand and take him there. (no, they won't understand you more if you speak louder!) you'd be smiling and not scream in his face. you'd be in control and be actually helpful.
that image in my head helps me calm down and be more patient. when the tantrum is over they absolutely have to say sorry. I ask why they had to say sorry, so I know they knew what they did wrong. kiss & hugs follow.
(if you are lucky you feel very peaceful for 5 seconds, then onto the next drama)
I have asked the school and they say he's great, he is very polite and well behaved for everyone but me.
He has no medical issues causing this(believe me I have asked, several times) he is just as stubborn as they come.
I feel he gets more attention then the 2 older ones cause they have been in school for years, and he has been home with me up until this year when school became full time for grade 1.
He gets about 10 hours sleep a night, should be more but the fits last about 1.5 hours, but still I feel 10 hours is sufficient for the age, he eats well and often we do not limit snacks or drinks they can help themselves when they want something. His language and vocabulary is about average for his age.
I try to stay calm, working with 3 year old's my whole life helps with the fake smile and calmness, but he see's throw me. He is always says sorry later on in the day, he is aware the behavior is not okay, just seems to loose himself in the moment I believe.
I'm wondering if I have done this some how, if I have created a little monster , or a green eyed child that needs everything, and now have to pay the price.
It's crazy how such a little man can be so loud.
Well you need to be strict with him. Can see you have tried a lot,but you should introduce the naughty step technique. Just make sure if he is whining for a reason or not and if not calm down sit on your knees to ur kids height make an eye contact and give him a warning and if he doesn't listen the next time put him to a naughty spot in your home which is away from distractions a chair in a corner only once explain him why he has bana put there then walk away. The many times he gets up without talking take back to his place and set a timer. 1 min for each year. He may get up a 100 times but u hv to be consistent.after 6 min of consistent sitting ask for an apology and hugs and kisses followed. This will make him realise that he cannot get way with any tantrum. And he will realise you have taken charge.
do you set the timer again every time he gets up? or is it just 6 minutes even if I have to continually put him back.
yes reset timer, so 6 minds starts again. did with 5 year old, he was out of action for over 15 mins!
well we will try that this week then and see how that goes, do you time out when your out in public?
we normally just try to redirect the behavior with the boys and usually only time out if you have done something that can hurt yourself or someone else, but obviously my redirecting does not work as well with this one as it did with the other two, so it is definitely time for a new approach.
Thanks, lets see if it works.
time out in public - I never tried, just remove from situation.
1. take one shopping trip, or visiting friends or going to the playground, short and sweet varieties are best
2. prepare kids by telling them details of what you are doing, for how long etc so they know what to expect
3. add explanation of how you expect them to behave
4. check if they understood (yes boss!)
5. add warning - explain what will happen if they behave unacceptably (toys taken away, no films or treats and/or you'll have to leave immediately)
6. strengthen mixture with positive attitude and smile
7. sprinkle praise liberally at slightest improvement! of behaviour
8. if mixture is working, enjoy, but watch it carefully, remove at first sign of trouble, don't let it overcook!
9. adjust recipe as you wish
oh, I've just realized I'm so hungry...
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