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Would you be worried if your 30 month old was like this?

(31 Posts)
ItsAllGoingToBeFine Thu 25-Oct-12 16:28:15

Doesn't share on own initiative
Is happy playing alone
Is more comfortable in adult company
Doesn't have little friends around to play

HV is now monitoring my DD as she believes she has socialisation issues, and will struggle with nursery.

I had no concerns whatsoever, but now I do sad

Pancakeflipper Thu 25-Oct-12 16:34:06

I guess HV's have to be seen doing their jobs and this is noting anything that does not fit the norm. But not fitting the norm doesn't mean anything serious.

Do you mix with other children alot? If you don't then your child won't have learnt those skills yet.

Some children are very happy in their own company.

How does he interact with adults? Does he play and share with you and other adults and enjoy their company (laugh, giggle etc)

sheeplikessleep Thu 25-Oct-12 16:35:53

DS2 is 31 months.
Honestly - he doesn't share on his own initiative (but will 'swap' with his brother if asked)
Is happy playing alone or with other kids
Is more happy in adult company - his ideal is either me or his big brother to play with. He's happy 'playing' (I use that loosely) with other kids he knows, less with kids he doesn't know so well.
He doesn't have little friends around to play, but then he plays (or rather tags along with!) with his big brothers friends

I don't think they play with other kids until after 3 really, in terms of actually getting enjoyment from playing with other kids.

I wouldn't worry IIWY, but I would try to do some sort of activities with other kids his age - do you go to toddler group or rhyme time type activities?

FunnysInLaJardin Thu 25-Oct-12 16:39:25

not at all. DS2 is 32 months and doesn't have friends over to play and plays most of the time on his own, except when his brother wants to involve him in a game. Weirdly he is good at sharing though.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Thu 25-Oct-12 16:43:04

Yes, she goes to toddler groups. She is very happy to give another child a toy she has if they grab it, or I ask her too.

Prefers adult company because we can talk and explain things, other kids her age don't communicate as effectively. She was perfectly happy doing jigsaw with hv today, and chatting to hv for eg.

I just thought the questions asked were really irrelevant to two year olds - the points I asked about I think k even a lot of 3yr olds would struggle with.

Other questions were is your child a bully/picked on?
Is your child spiteful
Does your child comfort other children

I thought all these things were pretty unlikely at 2.5?

lljkk Thu 25-Oct-12 16:44:47

Are you sure that's all your HV is concerned about?
HVs can definitely get it wrong, but they aren't normally ones to go around taking on extra work for themselves if they can help it. I just wonder if there's something else the HV sees to worry her.

CharlotteBronteSaurus Thu 25-Oct-12 16:45:26

no, I would have no concerns whatsoever
our HV said she would need to "monitor" dd1, then 30mo, because she couldn't draw a straight line hmm.

mathanxiety Thu 25-Oct-12 16:46:53

Sounds normal to me.

If you get her out regularly to play at a playground where she is around other children that should be enough. No need to be ultra organised about it. Do whatever you can manage. Groups are not for everyone, and some can be a bit of a free for all with not all children appreciating the chaos.

Up to about age 4 they really play more alongside others than with any sort of active co-operation or collaboration and the concept of 'mine' is far better developed than the concept of 'yours' when it comes to playing with desirable objects. You can work on sharing but don't expect them to get the concept immediately.

PerryCombover Thu 25-Oct-12 16:48:20

don't have any concerns, sounds normal to me

hvisitors are only good at scaremongering ime
how on earth can she monitor her? job creation and justification issues?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Thu 25-Oct-12 16:48:30

Yes, I had to fill out a questionnaire thing to assess her social/behavioural /emotional ability.

Because I am honest I answered the questions honestly (even though it was obvious what the "right" answers were). DD scored high enough on the social aspect to flag concern.

headfairy Thu 25-Oct-12 16:48:50

I've never had anyone raise any concerns about dd (2.9) and she doesn't really do any of the things in your OP, and does prefer being with me to being with other children.

What do they mean by spiteful? Dd will pinch her brother hard if he's in her way, she'll attempt to scratch me if I ask her to do something she doesn't want to - that's pretty spiteful, but that's also a toddler who hasn't learnt yet to control their impulses. I thought that was pretty common.

I haven't seen her comforting other children, but she may well do in nursery, but she will be very tender with her dolls.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Thu 25-Oct-12 16:48:57

She's going to visit in a couple of months to reassess.

FireOverBabylon Thu 25-Oct-12 16:50:22

No, she's a toddler, they tend not to share with other children unless encouraged to do so.

Is she doing her 15 hours free at nursery?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Thu 25-Oct-12 16:50:50

Thank you, you are all reassuring me. Like I said it seemed to me that most of the questions were attributing very adult motives to normal toddler behaviour. (I very much doubt any 2.5yr old is a bully!)

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Thu 25-Oct-12 16:52:07

Not entitled led to her free hours until she is 3, but I'm going in tomorrow to get her signed up.

PacificDogwood Thu 25-Oct-12 17:04:41

Another vote for 'normal'.

DS4 31 months is the biggest bully ever - certainly sorts his big brothers out without hesitation! shock.
Shares when it suits him.
Does not so much play with children, but at times quite happily alongside other children his age.
Still hits/pulls hair at the very least provocation <sigh> - going out with him is a challenge.

IME they become more sociable/empathic after the age of 3.
Does anybody know that graph that shows Mother Teresa's level of empathy right Up There, a dried biscuit's empathy half-way Down, and a toddler's empathy Barely Visible? That's my DS4... hmm. And he growls at anybody who tries to speak to him.
Maybe I ought to be more worried than I am ?!

sheeplikessleep Thu 25-Oct-12 17:46:28

It's all - your toddler sounds totally normal to me and I'm guessing the HV may just be over-cautious and inexperienced?

MrsCantSayAnything Thu 25-Oct-12 17:49:54

You say she chats...that sounds very good. My friend has a DS the same age and he won't talk or isn't able to talk in a conversational way.

As for having little friends over! What a silly way to judge a 2 year old...that's up to the DDs never had friends over at that age...only cousins! They don't make proper friends until they hit 3 or 4 and even 5 r 6 in some cases.

mummyonvalium Thu 25-Oct-12 17:52:01

Don't think it sounds unusual to me. Once he starts nursery all these problems will be ironed out I am sure.

steppemum Thu 25-Oct-12 18:01:08

this is totally normal.
Children do not begin to share until age 3. You can obviously begin to teach it before, but 3 is the age they BEGIN to understand it, and then it takes a long time before they do it voluntarily.

Although young children do like and enjoy a variety of company, children under three essentially only play alongside other children and not with them. They do not play co-operatively until they are 3+

This is why traditionally playgroups started at 3 and why nursery provision starts at 3, before three, socialisation is not the primary need for a child. Before 3 one-on-one relationships with a limited number of adults is the primary need of a child.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine Thu 25-Oct-12 18:07:42

I feel all teary now, thank you wonderful MNers...

Now for the drip feed, I am a very shy, anxious and introverted person. I have no friends and struggle to make small talk with mums at toddler groups. I have been trying very hard not to feck up DD with my own issues, but the are days when I just don't feel able to take her out somewhere.

I'm glad you all think she is ok smile


mathanxiety Thu 25-Oct-12 18:07:46

'Spiteful' -- is incredibly hard to gauge isn't it? And we are looking at 2 year olds here, not debating allegedly toxic parents or ILs on Relationships..

It involves so much projection on the part of the observer when you can't sit the child down and go over their motivation with them. Sounds like a really stupid questionnaire.

mathanxiety Thu 25-Oct-12 18:09:30

Do what you yourself feel comfortable with. If there is a local playground that is suitable for small children take her there whenever you see fit. If you have a local library that does storytime that might be nice too, if the prospect of chatting for a few hours gives you the heebiejeebies.

5madthings Thu 25-Oct-12 18:12:40

she sounds normal to me and very like my ds1, he is now 13 and has always prefered the company of adults, but he has some good close friends and works fine in groups at school etc, but equally he is very happy in his own company.

as for spiteful, can a 2 yr old really be spiteful? seems a bit much and an odd question to me!

Pleasenomorepeppa Thu 25-Oct-12 18:14:49

My DD is 3.5 & she has a little group of friends who we see very regularly. She loves to play with them. However she also knows when she's had enough & will just go off & play alone.
She loves imaginative play & gets frustrated that her friends don't get it.
She's very verbal & enjoys adult company & is very good & self sufficient when she's the only child in a group of adults.
She's at pre-school now& is absolutely fine. She still needs her time alone though.
Your DD sounds completely & utterly normal & possibly rather clever!

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