should i be worried?

[babyjane67]

hi
my dd is just4 at end of september.the last few months her behaviour seems to have got worse.its not all the time but certainly alot more than it was!!
shes always had bit of a stubborn streak,but lately its got to the point where shes arguing over lots of things such as putting coat on,washing her hands,etc.fri morn i tried to help her putting her socks on to go to playschool&she went into complete meltdown!!!!
she shouts.argues,gets right in my face,hits me&hits herself.
she ignores you if youre talking to her
shes also,last few days,started wetting herself.she had2accidents sun&one yest.shes been potty trained since the summer hols but still wears a pull up at night,which,mostly,is dry in the morn.
shes also the last couple of weeks been waking in the night&for first time ever,sat night, actually got up&got herself into our bed.i found her there when we went up to bed!!
other than this change,which as i said isnt all the time,shes a lovely little girl,with a great imagination,whos loves playing,looking at books,watching dvds etc.
ive had a word with her key worker at playschool this morn&theres been no change there.in fact shes been playing with the girls alot more than she was before.no issues with going to loo either as she just takes herself off&goes.omly one accident there couple of weeks ago byt thats it!!
is this just a phase or something to worry about?ive got two grown up dds too&when shes like his shes much harder work than the other two were put together!!!!

[babyjane67]

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[babyjane67]

has anyone got any advice for me please?
many thanks

[ShowOfBloodyStumps]

How are you currently handling her behaviour?

[fatfingers]

Has she just started playschool? Has there been any change in her life that has triggered this behaviour?

[babyjane67]

hi&thanks for your replies
showofbloody stumps
i try to be as calm as poss&count to3then if sh hasnt done what shes told or is still behaving same then i put her on naughty step for the4mins.trouble is it doesnt seem to be working quite as well as it used to as she'll scream,shout,bang the stair gate repeatedly,get off step&say is it time to come off yet?????also i do lose my temper with her&shout!!i hate that im becoming shouty mummy but when youre trying to get ready to go somewhere&she starts its very difficult to keep my patience!!shes been playing up now about washing hands after going to loo.so ive sat her on step&shes doing the usual!!!!now im trying to get a sorry from her&shes refusing&just treating it like a game!!!
fatfingers
shes benn in playschool since january for2morns a week.then she started also doing all day on a monday too since this new term.she also does gymtots on a thurs which shes been doing nearlt two yers&has also started swimming lessons on same day which has been about a month now

[babyjane67]

we've had2accidents this morn!i dont tellher off for this just say try&get to the loo next time.though i am starting to get bit peeved with it.my dp,her father,thinks shes doing it on purpose&has told her that if she keeps acting 'like a baby'then we'll put her back in nappies!!i told him it isnt a very good thing to say or think!!!!might try saying to her that if she has a week with no accidents then she can have a treat of some kind.see if that works.we do already have a reward chart.
i did think,with the rest of behaviour,that praps its tiredness as weve got a much busier week now&weve ditched the pushchair since just before the summer hols(she was a late walker&has probs with her feet as she has hypermobility)so shes walking everyhere now.
she also wakes up quite early between6&7.today shes been awake since before6even though she woke up3times last night!!!!
any advice would be much appreciated

[ShowOfBloodyStumps]

I am no expert, I can't see your child and I have only a snapshot but I wouldn't necessarily be worried at all. It all sounds within the normal boundaries of parenting a 3yo. I'd be particularly reassured by the fact that she's not like this at playschool.

I am a leftie liberal, hippy type parent so please feel free to ignore me. My dd is 5yo and also went along to a preschool setting at 3yo. It's an interesting age because they're not toddlers anymore, they crave independence and control over their environment but they are also easily overwhelmed by the world. It's managing the fine line between the two. While we didn't deal with the range of behaviour you're seeing, I did and do have an extremely independent and imaginative little girl. She was desperate to do everything for herself. I know that had I started 'babying' her by putting on her coat and shoes, she would have been similarly disgruntled. What had to happen instead was that we had to be out of the door at a certain time but with her feeling in control of her own self. So from picking her outfit (offer two options if you want a limited choice) to dressing herself, she knew that she was allowed to do that. Alongside this, she knew what had to be done by the time the big hand got to x place, so she was offered the chance to manage her own time, warned well in advance that if she wasn't ready then I would have to help. It was up to me to provide sufficient time for her by being up early enough and prepared. Control over her environment also extended to 'which cereal', 'which music while we dress' etc. She was actively involved in the morning, not told what to do, nagged and harangued. You can also start to employ a legion of dull games such as 'bet mummy can put her coat on first', 'race you to put hats and scarves on, winner gets to unlock the car' etc. It's tiresome but you work together instead of against each other. Give her jobs, involve her in the morning processes instead of nagging her alongside them.

All the normal stuff applies too. Sufficient sleep (she sounds v busy, make sure there's unwinding in an evening and an early enough bedtime), ignore the small stuff, do not let the big stuff go (big stuff is the hitting and being up in your face), try and intervene before a situation escalates (with big distraction, chatter, moving the moment on), praise praise praise the good stuff, talk endlessly to her, chat, play, tell silly stories. Engage her positively. And model what you want to see. I know it's easy to get cross, oh believe me I know, but calm voice, organised morning, have fun, enjoy each other.

The wee accidents are normal. They can regress slightly. Just get her changed, remind her to use the toilet and move on. They seem to have lapses for a couple of years. The waking in the night (if there's nothing worrying her, no pain, no illness etc) is usually linked to development. I think she's probably growing up very quickly. DD became a bit unsettled around the same age and actually what made the difference was mental exhaustion. Preschool taught her to read (she was showing an interest and beginning to read simple cvc words) and the mental exhaustion was what was missing. Doesn't have to be so structured but would she like to do some projects like growing some seeds with you, learning about plants and growing. Perhaps use the local library to get some age appropriate books and do some sneaky teaching. Nature walks, beach if it's close, counting things, playing shops. In fact you can take her shopping for her very own soap, something brightly coloured and in a plunger thing to encourage her to take responsibility for washing her own hands. Perhaps draw a picture together for the bathroom wall to show everybody in the house how to wash their hands after using the loo.

I know I sound like a woolly parent sometimes but I really do think engaging with my dc and showing them how to be a happy, involved member of the family instead of fighting against their natural desire for independence makes for happy, kind and well adjusted children ime.

[ShowOfBloodyStumps]

Oh x-posts. She does sound tired. Maybe think about how much she's doing definitely and try for quiet evenings. No dvds and screens though. Quiet games, reading, snuggling up.

Definitely no problems like a uti/illness which could cause the accidents? Like I said, slight regression is fine, particularly at her age. Threatening nappies and calling her a baby is NOT the right thing to do, you're right.

Reward charts can work. One week of dry knickers and she gets a small treat/trip out. Don't make it too big a thing though, perhaps just remind her gently to go sometimes if she's busy and distracted.

[ShowOfBloodyStumps]

Sorry, other thing is if she's being treated like a 'big girl' in some ways ie no more pushchair, knickers etc, she might be feeling a bit wobbly about not being the baby anymore. The wetting is sometimes linked to that. Same method to deal with it though. No harm letting her know she's still your baby in subtle ways too. Cuddling up together regularly and letting her just 'be' is as important as taking her out into the world and letting her grow up.

[babyjane67]

thanks showofbloodystumps
shes only just starting to be able to put her own trousers,knickers&socks on.sometimes she wants to do it sometimes she doesnt.shes normally more than happy to let someone else do it!lol
she can do her own shoes,as they're velcro,but does them when she can be bothered.most of the time she wants us to&refuses to do it herself!
shes doesnt choose her own clothes but she does choose her own breakfast.
on a playschool day we're [email protected] i have to wake her up@7if shes not surfaced by then but usually shes up with me.i always say soon as ive drank my juice its breakfast time.lets see if we can get you washed&dressed before fifi starts etc.she knows that if she doesnt get ready in time or plays up that the tv will go off&i stick to that.ive also tried putting the radio on instead of the tv but doesnt really make any difference.
wednesday is always our chill out day as weve got nothing on&nothing to rush out the door for.so we just do whatever she wants to ie play games.watch dvds,make things with playdough etc.
watching a dvd is how she winds down when i know shes tired always has been.
i did wonder if she might have a uti but she doesnt complain of any pain or burning&hardly has accidents@playschool so dont think it can be that.
i always tell her i love her&tell her that i do even when shes being not very nice.that i might not like what shes doing or how shes behaving at the time but i always love her.dp tells her he loves her if she asks him but not off his own back but then hes the same with me so!!lol
we usaually always have quiet evenings&things like nature walks she does every monday with playschool.
she loves doing the activities she does&in fact when i had to keep her off from swimming&gymtots last thurs because she was sick&complaining of tummy pains,she got quite cross with me saying we're going in a minute arent we?!!

[babyjane67]

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