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Normal development stage?

(20 Posts)
AlwaysInWonder Sat 13-Oct-12 17:31:42

Can I check with you if these behaviours are completely within the norm for a 7yo?

- Can not tell reliably what has happened at school. Eg : Everyone has lost 10min golden time because some children were been naughty on the playground (and I wasn't) which them moved to, 'some children lost 10 min because they were naughty on the playground yesterday.' the day after. (And will swear he never said everyone had lost some golden time the day before).
- Still has some meltdowns (Not talking about not getting his own way there, more complete loss in face of an 'issue' which can be over very minor things)
- Will be completely at loss if he doesn't have one his cuddly to go to bed at night (eg at grand parents)
- Can not tell what he has enjoyed in his day (answer = either I don't know or everything).
- Never talks about any child in his class, what they have done together etc...
- Will not say hello to children from his class when out and about or even right in front of the school gates....

AlwaysInWonder Sat 13-Oct-12 17:49:30

anyone?

AlwaysInWonder Sat 13-Oct-12 20:17:47

Last try ....sad

Ineedalife Sat 13-Oct-12 21:42:57

Hmm, Hi Always,

With regard to not saying hello to people, does he ever do it?

Is he able to talk about events away from school eg, things that you have done together so that you can prompt him if he gets confused.

I would say, children not talking about their school day is absolutely normal but if you have concerns about his development you could go to your GP and ask for a referral to a developmental paediatrician.

Are school worried?

hillyhilly Sat 13-Oct-12 21:47:52

My dd is 7, she has just started at juniors, she tells me bits & bats of her day, sometimes a lot sometimes not but always clear and accurate. She knows and recognises people and always greets them. She doesn't have meltdowns or over attachment to a cuddly, but when she was anxious about changing school she was vile tempered and unusually keen to bring a teddy places.
Hope that helps, sorry if it doesn't

MrsShrek3 Sat 13-Oct-12 21:50:44

What children do in school is Top Secret. Either that or so boring that they forget it the moment they go home grin
Fwiw NT dd (almost 7) doesn't remember what happened at school when she takes her uniform off hmm whereas dyslexic ds1 genuinely doesn't remember the names of children he's known since nursery, he's now in Y7 grin
Would also say that it's worth going to the GP if you're concerned - talk to his class teacher an see if there are any concerns there?

MrsShrek3 Sat 13-Oct-12 21:52:24

Would also say that my two NT dc happily greet classmates and friends happily wherever they meet, aspie dc doesn't.

themammy73 Sat 13-Oct-12 21:54:01

To be honest I can get a bit of all those things with my 7 yr old DD. She will get children calling 'bye' to her at school when we are getting in the car but she doesn't really respond; same maybe when we are in town. She's a very sociable child wiht a good circle of friends so I can only assume it's got more to do with me being there! Also, she still has her favourite teddy from when she was a baby and would look for it before going to bed but can go without it (as long as I keep looking smile). I wouldn't get a whole load of information about the school day and accurate reporting of the day can be haphazard. He doesn't sound too different!

radicalsubstitution Sat 13-Oct-12 21:57:08

Always, you have just described DS (6 and in yr 1) to a tee.

I think he knows exactly what's gone on at school, just doesn't feel as though it's in the least bit important to repeat it to me.

Today he acknlowledged someone at school whie we were out. This was the first time. Girl says 'hello DS'. DS says 'hello girl'. Unfortunately, she had probably walked on by about 200 yards before he had said hello.

He is a perfectly normal child (imo). He just spends half his day in another universe - one occupied entirely by skylanders and characters from Star Wars.

I am really not worried as I was exactly the same at his age and I am pretty much normal now. Apart from the fact that I'm a chemistry teacher....

lljkk Sat 13-Oct-12 22:03:56

Sounds within normal spectrum to me.

Partridge Sun 14-Oct-12 07:31:06

My 6 year old ds is not attached to cuddlies but otherwise exactly the same. He is rude to classmates outside school - not acknowledging them or adults he knows well. However I know he warms up as I have been in a lesson with him and he is very chatty.

He cannot tell me anything about his day an gets extremely irritated with me asking. Luckily I take a girl on the school run who is in his class and cant wait to tell me what has been happening. grin

I have no concerns about him.

AlwaysInWonder Sun 14-Oct-12 08:47:08

Thank you all.

Very nice to hear about other people experiences. dc1 has always been a bright mature child and I think I have lost track as to how 'normal' children behave, hence the fact I really don't want to/can't compare ds with dc1 to evalutae if there is a problem or not.

ds has had some issues with language. Until last year (Y2), most people, incl teachers, were struggling to understand him. Which obviously had some repercussions on his social skills, understanding of what is happening at school etc.
I've had other concerns too which makes me wonder but it is variable so probably not AS or something like this (or I don't think so).

It's nice to see that other children that age don't greet their friends. ds just blanks them out completely or looks scared (??) when we meet other children in town.
I do think there is still some anxiety left from the time he couldn't communicate but again, put him in the right environment and he will be OK.
I think the cuddly issue is to do with anxiety. He likes things to be in order and struggles with unpredictability (esp if the situation was supposed to be predictable iyswim).

School isn't worried any more, as far as I can tell, even though literacy is still an issue and I know his vocabulary etc.. isn't great.

DeWe Sun 14-Oct-12 11:07:11

Dd1 wouldn't greet anyone until the end of reception. It took her to year 5 to do it in a way that sounded pleased to see them. grin

She has no sen.

ophelia275 Sun 14-Oct-12 11:18:17

My 5.5 year old is obviously younger but as soon as he is out of school it is like his memory is wiped. If I ask him who he played with he says "everyone" and he doesn't ever talk about what he did in school or he "doesn't remember". He does love saying hello to other kids that go to his school, even if he doesn't know them as I think he thinks they are part of a special tribe or something grin. My son also has meltdowns about very petty things too. It sounds pretty normal to me.

lingle Sun 14-Oct-12 16:38:22

hi, two kids with language issues here, one still socially awkward at 7 so much sympathy.

"Can not tell reliably what has happened at school. Eg : Everyone has lost 10min golden time because some children were been naughty on the playground (and I wasn't) which them moved to, 'some children lost 10 min because they were naughty on the playground yesterday.' the day after. (And will swear he never said everyone had lost some golden time the day before)."

Always, I think step 1 would be to get some really good techniques for eliciting information. Might you be firing off too many questions and pointing out discrepancies so that he feels even less able to answer? You could think about getting him confident about answering easier questions (what he had for lunch is a good one as is who he sat next to but don't follow it up with a cross-examination about the relationship with the child he sat next to).

Have you read "how to listen so your kids will talk"? it's very 1970s but the techniques there can really help. It seems that if you go on parenting courses those are the techniques that are still recycled.

good luck

AlwaysInWonder Sun 14-Oct-12 20:54:14

Thanks lingle.
I know which book you mean. I have used it quite a lot (and still do but perhaps it would be good to to back to it).

I tend not to point discrepancies as it is already very difficult to get anything (well apart from that example as he said one thing to me, went on about how unfair it was that he had lost some time when he hadn't doe anything wrong and then said something different to DP the day after! hence why I did ask him what had happened about the badly behaved children of the day before.)

However, dc1 is VERY good at pointing out issues with what ds is saying. VERY good at stepping in if he sees him struggling to find an answer so much so that ds now just relies completely on dc1 for everything. Even to say what sport he would like to do (so if dc1 says he stops football, then ds will say so too even if he had been saying he loves football until that point).
I am trying (and always have) to teach dc1 not to step in, not to comment,not to correct but it is hard because he is actually right most of the time. And the fact that they are just 1 year apart at school (but nearly 2 years apart in age) doesn't help. You know the 'I remember last year I could do x', not with the intention to hurt or put down but that's the effect.

I know he would benefit from having activities completely separated from dc1 but it has proven unsuccessful so far.

lingle Mon 15-Oct-12 10:18:40

Ah, we have this. DS1 has somehow overcome his early language difficulties completely and is now a leader. DS2 follows him. I think he believed until very recently that he would literally turn in to himsmile They are 2 years 9 months apart - seven and nearly ten.

I feel I can't cut the cord completely - the relationship is the biggest positive thing about DS2's life. But sometimes DS1 has to do things because DS2 won't do them without him. It's complex, but it's the hand that life has dealt our family - many people would take it.

DH (after much nagging, scaring and persuasion) and I have spent many many hours finding quiet moments with DS2, building up his trust and confidence. For instance on Saturday mornings DS2 does his reading book in bed with me whilst DS1 is occupied having a piano lesson downstairs. But that didn't just happen, it's been hard work - I'm sure you know what I mean even though of course your family dynamic is a bit different.

One thing that has sort of helped us is that when DS2 was 3 the paediatrician wanted us to go through a multidisciplinary assessment for ASD. The profile she sent me didn't match the child I knew well enough for me to entrust him to that system though so I insisted on a DIY approach. But it was the fear of having a label that wasn't right for DS2 that galvanised us as a family.

TheEnthusiasticTroll Mon 15-Oct-12 10:29:14

I would say all of what you describe is relatively normal for many children. Sounds like he is a little anxious where school is concerned, are there any friendship issues? My dd does experience some friction with one other girl in her class and although not necessarily bullying, I'm keeping my eye on this and will talk to the teacher, however my point being when things are at a head with this girl she gets quite anxious regarding school and can become quite clingy going into school.

When questioned dd will not tell me what has happened at school especially if she thinks I'm attempting to find out how her and said friend have gotten on that day, so I don't ask her out right, I wait until a little later and just try to have a general conversation about the day.

Also if these Behaviours are an issue for you and worry you it will rub off on him and he may clam up. I think you need to look at how you are able to get him to communicate and relay information in a way that is relaxed and you are able to listen to and pick up on his question.

AlwaysInWonder Mon 15-Oct-12 13:09:33

I agree he is anxious but that's not just about school.

The thing is, I am not worried about 'behaviours'. I am worried he doesn't seem to have any friends, will not talk to/about the ones he associates with 'friends', isn't invited to b'day parties etc...
And I am worried because he wants friends and is quite distressed because he doesn't get to go other people houses etc (which he expects because everybody else does)...
He is desperate to fit in but has said himself he has found getting friends difficult in the past. I think it is still difficult (even if better than before).
But when he has the opportunity to invite someone, then he just isn't able to go and ask them sad This has happened quite a few times now and isn't good for his self esteem either.

TheEnthusiasticTroll Mon 15-Oct-12 18:43:36

my dd is similar, she has really struggled with friendships. at nursery she was very popular and most children found comfort and strenghth in her strong personality, but that has been different at school, she has at times been very overbearing and most children dont like that and unfortunatly sometimes she picks up on this and goes to the complete opposite extreeme. It is very difficult, because whilst I dont agree and advocate the strenghths approach where children who are struggling with friendships should bear the responsibilty, but where my dd is concerned I do try this along with raising any concerns with the school, as I think that a relisiant approach is, rightly or wrongly a good thing to instill.

I have gone from inviting other children around to play in a measure to strenghten frienships, but that at times has failed, so I now tell my dd that it is not important to always have friends at school and the emphasis is on learning, but rather than seeking out the children who she aspires to be friends with and isnt always reciprocated and to now make sure if she is on her own in the playground and she spots another child alon then she should incluse them and attempt to build a game together.

according to my dd there are a large number of children in her class who also have no one to play with, I find that a little sad and surprsing that the play ground helpers dont seem to do much to team up children at play time.

I have always found talking to the teacher a little useless at times, because they assure me in class they do not see this and are not able to truelly observe what happens in the play ground.

Is your ds particularly bright and doing well accademically as I find that in my dd she has a very clear worth ethic in class and is not easily distracted and she is a bit of a high achiver, im not sure if this does truelly aftect her but I think it has its connections. I can also relate this to elevated anxiety in my dd that over spills into other areas, she is very hard on her self and I have only bagn to really see how this affects her in other areas. I think lots of reasurance and praise is the key and if you ence he is sad let him know he can tell you anything, and dont push it if he does not tell you things, if some thing is troubeling him it will eventually come out.

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