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DS, nearly 4, in trouble at playgroup (long, sorry)

(7 Posts)
threeforme Mon 08-Oct-12 21:02:21

I got a shock last week when playgroup leader took me aside to tell me DS has been 'disruptive' - not sitting nicely on the carpet, pulling faces, prodding other children. I went straight to him (had just dropped him off) and told him in no uncertain terms he was to behave and I wanted to hear really good things about him from now on, as I know he is a good boy etc etc. Rest of week I asked every day how he had been, mostly positive except on one day when I was told he has to now sit next to play leader when on the carpet, if that's OK with me (of course it is, they need to do whatever they should). Picked him up today and was told he had spat at a couple of other children. I aksed how long it had been happening, was it at certain times during session (I should point out I have no trouble with him at home but he can be more difficult when tired). She said no, it's been going on for quite a while and lasts throughout the session, especially when he should be sat down and listening or focused. She said they were trying really hard to be positive with him. I left feeling very upset and embarrassed (have to queue to collect kids) and at 37 weeks pregnant feeling very emotional anyway. I am just so surprised because he loves sitting and listening to stories at home, can concentrate on activities for long periods of time, and I feel very strange, like I have to reassess him. I have no problems with him at parties and things and he is really sociable and outgoing. I'm a teacher and always thought you could never tell a parent something they didn't know about their child, but I was obviously wrong! I feel like never taking him there again, although obviously this is an utterly childish response. Where do I go from here?

FredWorms Mon 08-Oct-12 21:56:56

Just stick with it and don't panic.

DS was like this, took him aaages to conform and we even had the spitting thing too. He's 13 now and an absolute star at school, never any trouble and all the teachers are fond of him.

One thing I feel bad about is that we came down very hard on him and it wasn't until he was about 8 that I started to realise anxiety was at the root of a lot of his "bad" behaviour, I wish I'd been more gentle in hindsight. I spose what I'm saying is don't let embarrassment influence how you react, he may just be finding it really hard to fit in.


EverybodysSpookyEyed Mon 08-Oct-12 22:03:36

It sounds to me that he may be a bit anxious and I agree with fred that you shouldn't come down hard on him. The impending arrival of baby is probably niggling him

I would suggest lots of cuddles and talking about stories with good behaviour at school etc. You need to reinforce that this behaviour will not lead to you keeping him home

As a teacher, you must have met many parents who said 'but he isn't like that at home'!

He is 3 - he's not bad!

TheEnthusiasticTroll Mon 08-Oct-12 22:21:11

I would be concerned this was a specific issue at the setting. It seems very unusual for a generally well behaved child to go through this.

Have to talked with your ds to see what his thoughts on it are, maybe he is copying other children. Maybe there is too much sitting on carpet and focusing. There may be too much expectation on him to follow a structure. I thought EYF was about free flow and learning through play. Maybe he is feeling a little hennaed in and restricted.

I would not come down too hard on him, without finding out exactly what is going on. I would also be concerned that the feedback has not been very consistent and a bit jaded. It doesn't seem clear that their stratorgy has worked. One week they give you the impression it has gone well and then they say, infant it has been going on a while through out the whole session. That would concern me that they have not altered you sooner and then lead you to believe things have improved. Sounds to me like they are doing a lot of rehashing.

TheEnthusiasticTroll Mon 08-Oct-12 22:22:33

Grr ago correct.

threeforme Tue 09-Oct-12 14:00:16

Can I just say a great big thank you to everyone for your advice, it has made me look much more positively at the situtation and I understand now how I need to react to my son's behaviour. I'm going to stick it out and hold my head up high and be proud of him, because he is a lovely little boy.

FredWorms Tue 09-Oct-12 18:53:02

Bravo! grin

I soooo wish I'd had the confidence to do that 10 years ago (although I don't think I've scarred him wink )

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