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Behaviour/development

Why has my 5yo dd started shitting herself?

26 replies

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 29/09/2012 14:36

Am at the end of my tether.

Why would a child want to do that? It is utterly disgusting. It's in her clothes, she hides knickers and wipes in her room and her room stinks of shit.

How many times have I got to explain to her that it's dirty and horrible and not to do it? Dh thinks it's attention seeking and laziness but we have recently had a bereavement in the family so wondering if it's some sort of displacing activity. She has got form for that sort of thing, when we moved house she kept peeing herself.

Somebody tell me how to wave the magic wand and stop my otherwise lovely girl being so utterly foul. Sad

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OpheliasWeepingWillow · 29/09/2012 14:37

Is this deliberate or because of constipation overflow? Have you been to the doctor?

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figwit · 29/09/2012 14:49

You need to take a big breath and calm down. Your poor girl Sad. Imagine if this is a medical problem and she cannot help soiling herself and she has you calling her foul, even if its not to her face.
Get some medical advice, go on the ERIC website and try and be a bit more sympathetic.

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Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 29/09/2012 18:14

No.... I don't think she's actually ill.

She doesn't bother going to the loo and then wonders why she's messed herself. It is deliberate and frustrating. She doesn't do it at school. She reserves it for home when she can hide underwear in her bedroom and honestly expect us not to notice the godawful smell.

I don't know what to do.

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Schlock · 29/09/2012 18:17

The bereavement might have caused some kind of regression. We've had this problem in the past. She's a teenager now and I can assure you there's no crapping of pants any more.

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jkklpu · 29/09/2012 18:18

How recent is it? Could it be a reaction to starting school or an emotional response to another big change/event? I know how frustrating this is. However, humiliation and being told how disgusting it is are unlikely to be that successful.

If you can talk to her quietly at some other time of day, try asking her what it is that makes her forget to go, or ask how she recognises the feeling at school and how you can help her do the same at home.

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monstermissy · 29/09/2012 18:19

my five year old has some problems with withholding his poop, this leads to soiling his pants at time. Its easily controlled with lactalose though to keep him regular.

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SaraBellumHertz · 29/09/2012 18:28

Went through very similar with DD - was convinced it was laziness. Had a very frustrating year until we discovered she was severely blocked (didn't occur to us as she still went regularly) has been terrible. Mostly for her obviously Sad

Please see a dr just in case

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Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 29/09/2012 22:09

Ok thanks Sara I'll bear that in mind.

Hope I haven't been completely wrong in telling her off. Sad

I just know what a devious crafty little sod she can be! She also went through a phase of stealing sweets and stuff from the pantry and what she didn't eat she hid for later. That why I thought it was a deliberate act, like the next attention seeking stunt.

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milkysmum · 29/09/2012 22:15

Bloody hell I hope you don't speak to her in the same tone as your post op!!! your poor dd- there may well be something significant going on for that you don't know about? don't get? etc.. try to allow her time and space to talk to you about her feelings right now. Even if it is 'attention seeking' there is a reason why she feels she needs to get attention in this way

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Goldensunnydays81 · 29/09/2012 22:21

Are you sure she is going at school and not just holding it until she is home? Which is having a knock on effect? Poor dd.

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MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 29/09/2012 22:23

So..telling her it's horrible/lazy/disgusting hasn't helped?! Can't think why...

Whatever the root CAUSE, making her feel bad about herself is NOT going to resolve the problem, if anything it will make her feel 'what's the point':(

I'd start with the GP..soiling like that is most commonly caused by chronic constipation..all blocked up so the 'fresher' stuff leaks round and you get constant small poos, smearing, liquid etc. She may well have reacted to events around her by witholding and even if she is going every day she may have a massive bowel full that is now beyond her control..and hides her pants because she knows she is going to be in trouble. Hangs on all day at school because she has to!

If it is (which I highly doubt) 'laziness' then she still needs help..needs to see a GP, get some meds that will reestablish a normal bowel habit and she certainly needs support and help, poor little girl:(

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3littlefrogs · 29/09/2012 22:29

What an awful way to talk about your 5 year old daughter. Sad

She sounds a very distressed little girl.

You sound uncaring and not very knowledgable about the effects of stress and life changing events on small children.

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sh77 · 29/09/2012 23:19

My first thought was that she is reacting to something emotional. I know how awful it must be to be constantly cleaning but you clearly have not got to the root cause. Your description of her is absolutely awful to read.

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FlamingoBingo · 29/09/2012 23:32

You sound incredibly frustrated and desperate about this situation, and I can't blame you for feeling like that, but really you need to try to take a step back from this and ask yourself what is really going on.

No child on this planet ever does something just to piss his or her parents off, especially not something as big a deal as this. When children do something like this it is a cry for the people they trust most in the world, ie. their parents, to please pay attention to something big that is causing them real pain. Most children don't even know what it is that's hurting them, but something is, and, as the parent, it is your job to be with her in her pain, and help her to either figure it out, or hold her and love her enough so she can work her way through it herself.

What your daughter is doing is not deliberate, it is not conscious, and she can't tell you why. She probably doesn't even know why, but you have to understand that this is far more profound than just trying to piss you off. The sweets issue is the same.

Imagine if you were stuck in a glass box in the middle of a busy high street, and you kept banging on the glass to get people to pay attention and help you get out, but they just kept yelling at you to shut up and stop annoying them. This is what you're unintentionally doing to your daughter.

She is saying 'please help me, I'm hurting and I don't know why and I don't know what to do about it' and you're shouting 'shut up and stop annoying me'. I know that's not nice to hear, but that is how it is.

Every time you berate her, it feeds her pain. It tells her you don't love her when she poos herself, and she gets even more insecure and frightened. Unconsciously she's testing her base. She's testing how stable it is, and every single time she tests it you go ahead and show how rocky it is. To her young subconsciousness, you're saying 'I only love conditionally, only when you're being good', but she needs, needs, needs to know you love her when she's being good, bad, pretty, ugly, happy, sad, endearing and disgusting. She needs you to show her that you love her whatever she does, unconditionally.

Many problems like this resolve very quickly the minute we parents realise that our children are in pain and stop berating and start loving and holding (not just physically, but emotionally). It can be enough for the child to sigh with relief that your love is solid, and unbending; that you love her whatever she does.

And if the problem doesn't go away, you have built a good foundation for working together with her to help to find the root of what is causing it.

Before I end this post, I want to just say that you also need to be kind to yourself. You are hurting and scared too, otherwise why would you be so angry? Anger always comes from fear of something, so you also need to deal with that. Be loving to yourself and you are more likely to find the strength to be loving to her as well.

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Ladyemem · 30/09/2012 00:05

she's only 5 ffs. instead of telling her she dirty, filthy, discusting little girl you should be caring and understanding. My daughter also messed in her pants at 6 years old. She would hold her poo as long as she possibly could as she was worried about it hurting and on occasion she couldnt hold it any longer. Im sure your daught would prefer not to soil her pants. Sit down and talk with her, find out the cause and be understanding. Never put her down like that. BLW well said flamingo bingo

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FlamingoBingo · 30/09/2012 00:06

ps. You may or may not find this blog post helpful.

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Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 30/09/2012 11:26

Jesus Christ. I think some of you psychologists and psycho-analysts out there have slightly got hold of the wrong end of the stick.... Shock

She goes to the toilet perfectly normally. She is not crazy or emotionally disturbed. She occasionally can't make it to the toilet in time and so makes a mess and them hides the evidence. It is annoying and I would like her to stop it but it's not the end of the world! Just a few words on behavioural issues would have sufficed!

Please be assured that I most certainly do not talk to my five year old child in the same tones I reserve for an adult chat forum. Not that I need to explain that to complete anonymous strangers. It is horrible and disgusting but she's only five! We use appropriate language, rest assured.

Perhaps I will have a word with the doctor. He'll probably tell me to talk to her. Which is what I have done. Would just appreciate some extra advice from parents who have been through it, not an ear-bashing from would-be online psychiatrics.

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OpheliasWeepingWillow · 30/09/2012 11:38

Are you SURE she doesn't have a medical problem?

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Vessel · 30/09/2012 13:03

I was going to say, what on earth makes anyone think op'd say the same thing to her 5yo as she would on a parenting forum? Conveniently no one bothered to refer to her describinh her dd as 'lovely'.

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Vessel · 30/09/2012 13:04

describing*

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DorsetKnob · 30/09/2012 13:07

It sounds like she could be emabarrassed about it? DD has an ongoing problem and it is so frustrating but we just plod on reminding her to go to the loo, but not making a huge issue out of it. Maybe just gentle reminders that she needs to try but if she has an accident to let you know, a reward chart maybe. I would also definitely gte her checked out by a GP.

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figwit · 30/09/2012 13:59

flamingobingo great post, am sorry that the OP just wants to hear that it is all her DD's fault.

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3littlefrogs · 30/09/2012 17:00

I am not sure why you asked for advice op.

The advice given on this thread has been reasonable and considered. Unfortunately no-one could tell you how to wave a magic wand.

Language aside, you sound impatient and aggressive OP. I wonder if this is why your dd hides the evidence of her accidents?

You said yourself that when you moved house your dd had problems with "peeing herself". I think it is entirely possible that the current problems are stress related.

Referring to your 5 year old dd as a "devious crafty little sod" - (even if you don't say it to her face) - is just nasty IMO.

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Fairyjen · 30/09/2012 17:06

My dd did same thing at same age. She hid a bucket in her room and was going in there. When we removed this she started doing it on piles of clothes. We spoke to her loads about it but didnt get anywhere. We then took her to dr but they found nothing wrong. Long story short I caught her in the act once pooung on the floor next to toilet rather than in it. It turned out there was a large spider under the pipes so she was too scared to sit on it. She didn't tell me as I'm just as scared of them as her! We got rid of spider and problem solved!

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Biscuitsneeded · 30/09/2012 17:50

My son was/is (don't want to jinx anything!) like this. He didn't try to hide the evidence, but even at age 5 would often not make it to the loo and would poo in his pants, on the bathroom floor very near the toilet etc. I did it find it the most miserable and wretched time and it was something I struggled to be patient with. I knew he wasn't doing it deliberately to upset me but I just couldn't understand why he couldn't get it right. I did explain to him that it was a really unpleasant job for mummy and that although I knew he wasn't trying to make my life difficult I would be very, very happy if he could remember to go to the toilet as soon as he felt he needed to and not hang on because playing or whatever was more interesting. I think we should all cut the OP some slack because until you've had a child that does this you don't know how grim it is. I'm sure she isn't humiliating her daughter. I don't think it harmed my son in any way to know that it was something I was really unhappy about - I don't think I added psychological pressure to an already troubled child; I think I pointed out to an intelligent boy that it wasn't OK to ignore the feelings of needing to go and then have accidents. He didn't instantly stop all accidents but he did get slowly better and we haven't had any disasters for a few months now (apart from in the bath, which is another story...) My only advice would be to keep having the conversation about not holding on when you know you need to go, and it will probably sort itself over time...

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