Ds has been badly behaved - do I still let him go to a party?

[NobodySaidItWasGoingToBeEasy]

This is going to be long.

I got called in to speak to the teacher today because 6 year old ds was caught stealing someone's snack money, and lied about it. Stealing/lying is a bit of an ongoing issue, but not usually this serious.

Anyway he is invited to a party. I did think about not letting him go, but I decided to let him for two reasons. One, the bad behaviour occurred at school and he has had sanctions imposed at school - would it be fair to punish him twice? Two, the birthday boy has been bullied a bit at school and chose only a few children to take out on a birthday treat and I feel it would be a shame for him if ds couldn't come.

So, this decided, then ds comes out of school in a foul mood, throws his bike down a hill damaging the brakes. I tell him his bike will be confiscated, but I have to let him ride it home as there is no other way to get it home. (I've just thought I could have made him push it home but I didn't think about that at the time)

He then zoomed off home ALL BY HIMSELF He is allowed to go ahead as he is faster than his younger brother, but he has certain places he has to stop and wait for us to catch up. I am so furious he didn't stop.

Do I let him go to the party or not? An added complication is that the birthday boy's mum and the couple of other children are coming round to mine straight after school before the party because they were all going to have to wait around before heading off and my house seemed a better bet than the park in this weather!

[issyocean]

No I wouldn't let him go.There need to be consequences for his bad behavior.(I am very strict )

[PostBellumBugsy]

IMO, children need to understand very clearly why they are losing priviliges & that has to come with a warning.

So I think you should let him go to the party because it doesn't sound like he was given not going to the party as a possible consequence.

You need to think through how you discipline your DS. It sounds like you realise it now, but saying you'll confiscate the bike & then letting him ride home is just nuts & undermines any authority you may have. I suggest, that in order not to lose face, you don't let him ride his bike tomorrow morning, because you told him that you were confiscating it.

With regard to the school issues, you need to back the school up. Have a chat to your DS when he is a bit calmer. Tell him what was reported, give him a chance to have his say & then if you feel confident he was in the wrong, as described by the teacher, you can say this is very serious, so he'll lose the privilege of watching tv, playing nintendo or whatever you think is fitting.

Don't tackle too many issues with young kids at once, they just can't keep up. Deal with one item at a time & before you have the conversation, think of what loss of privilege you are going to apply.

Also, don't forget to praise any good behaviour, even if it is something as small as eating up all his dinner or playing nicely. It is easy to get caught in a downward spiral sometimes, when all you seem to be doing is telling them off.

[Scootergrrrl]

He damaged his bike and showed he cannot be trusted to ride it responsibly - ergo there is no bike for the foreseeable future and he walks home holding your hand like a small child. Young children often find it hard to imagine consequences of ill-thought out behaviour.
Has he said why he took the money and is he normally well behaved at school?

[NobodySaidItWasGoingToBeEasy]

Yes, no way is he riding his bike tomorrow or for the whole of the week. When I told him I was confiscating it I was very clear that even though he was riding it home it was still confiscated.

He knows that I always mean what I say, and always follow through if I threaten something.

We chatted with the teacher and went through the issues, and she told us how he was going to be dealt with. She was also very clear that that is that incident dealt with and a line drawn under it, hence why I didn't feel the need to punish further.

You are too right about the downward spiral, he is so bloody hard work at the moment!

So one vote for yes and one for no....

[NobodySaidItWasGoingToBeEasy]

He is normally well behaved at school - not perfect but not too bad. A few incidents recently with silly little lies like had to wear his outdoor shoes inside because he didn't have his indoor shoes.

All he says about why he took the money is "No reason" and looks very remorseful. The stealing is mostly at home he takes his siblings things and has even taken his brother's money.

.

[Mama1980]

Personally I would say no. Line drawn under school incident-fair enough, damaged bike- he loses for the week, but then the riding off -no party.

[HolyAutumnGoldBatman]

I would let him go the party because a punishment should fit/be related to the crime if at all possible and should also come with a warning.

If you haven't mentioned not going to the party as a punishment then I don't think it's fair to spring it on him now. Also not going to the party is in no-way related to running off on the way home from school.

The stealing has been punished at school.
The bike throwing has been punished by the bike being confiscated.
Running off should be punished by removal of the right to ride ahead/removal of the right to ride at all.

[NobodySaidItWasGoingToBeEasy]

Thanks, that's sort of along the lines that I was thinking. Let's hope tomorrow is a better day...

[Makingchanges]

I'd let him go to the party. I would feel like I was puniching the birthday boy if he has only invited a few close friends and the mums are coming over to yours so this would be awkward. I would confiscate the bike (as you have done). Is there a reason he is stealing? Is he doing it for attention?

[Ferrybridge]

Yes, I'd let him go to the party and find punishments that only affect him and not the birthday boy/you and your friends as you describe.

The school issue, provided I felt they'd dealt with it harshly enough, I'd leave with them, making sure DS knew I was 100% behind them.

The damaged bike would be confiscated for at least a week. Depending on the damage and how practical it is I might also make him pay for it or help with the repair (in time that he'd prefer to be doing something else) Helping has the advantage of being some 121 attention if that's what this is about?

The riding off would probably earn either a screen ban or (if he needs handwriting practice like my DS) some lines/writing about road safety

[parachutesarefab]

Yes to the party - agree that it wouldn't be fair on the birthday child, and hasn't previously been mentioned as a consequence.

[Tiggles]

As it is a small party I would let him go (would be a bit different if it was a large soft play one where the party child wouldn't notice). When DS2 was younger he had a small party and one girl didn't turn up, he was heartbroken. Turned out she had been naughty after nursery and parents used it as a punishment. I totally respected their decision but it did punish DS2 too.
However, I would find another consequence for the riding off, if the throwing of the bike had already resulted in confiscation, simply as he has to realise that even in a strop that was a dangerous thing to do.