How to deal with rude/naughty behaviour of DD's friend?

[Joolsy]

DD had a small tea party for her birthday last week. One of her school friends, who is a nice enough girl when I see her in the playground etc, managed to almost ruin it. She's been over for tea twice before, the first time being an absolute nightmare from the word go with her being rude to me, upsetting DD, argumentative, not wanting to join in with anything, going and sitting on her own, not liking any of the food I gave her etc etc. She was like this at the party. I thought that maybe, as she's a bit of a drama queen, she didn't like my DD having all the attention, so when she said that the games/DVDs etc were 'boring' I explained that as it was DD's party she had to make an effort to join in. I have decided now not to have her over again, at least for the foreseeable future as I don't like to see my DD upset. But I am friends with her mum (not close) and I want to let her know how she behaved at the party as I feel it's unacceptable. I know if it was my DD I'd want to know, but it would be out of character for her. How do I tell the mum?

[Pagwatch]

You don't. You really don't.
Unless you don't want to be friends .
If it were me I wouldn't ask the child over again.

[HipHopOpotomus]

I'd want to know if DD was behaving badly at a friends house too (though it would be out of character) - But I don't know what on earth I'd say to another Mum other than XX didn't have much fun here today.

I agree, don't ask her to play again.

[dysfunctionalme]

You don't tell her.
You just don't invite her back. Ever.

[omfgkillmenow]

what outcome are you looking for? The child to be punished? Because I don't see what else you are going to achieve.

[Pagwatch]

We would all want to know. But there is simply no way to have that conversation without it leaving an after effect. I have done it a couple of times on the basis that I would want to know

I had to tell a mum to stop her dd calling my DD fat. It is still awkward two years later. She was mortified and we had the conversation but it just sits there - this awkwardness.
I had to tell another mother that her child was rude, aggressive and broke something. She accepted it all but told the boy and he then had it in for ds for the rest of primary.

[Ragwort]

I don't think you can say anything really, it would be incredibly awkward. I would just leave it and not invite her again.

Even if you said something like 'XX didn't seem to enjoy herself' - you can just imagine some pushy mum saying, 'why', 'what do you mean' etc etc and just prolonging the conversation.

My DS behaved very badly once at someone else's house, the DF did tell me and I fully accepted what he said & ensured my DS was punished but it was a very, very awkward conversation. I never felt comfortable about DS going back there although he and the other child remained best friends for years .

[Molehillmountain]

The only thing that I try to remember is that children often act out of character when at other people's houses. And I try to be led by dd when arranging friends over. There are several where I really have to grit my teeth for!

[Nagoo]

No, don't tell her.

If children are round my house then they get told off for the same things my DC would.

I remember a thread on here that clarified my position, that I tell off other DC, but it is not my job to punish them.

Maybe at pick up time I might say, like others have suggested, 'I think X might be a little tired, she didn't seem to enjoy herself'.

To bring it up at any later stage would serve no purpose. You want to tell the parent that their kid was a brat? Why? They weren't there, they couldn't moderate the child's behaviour, and it's a bit late in the day to try and get them to be 'sorry'. All you are doing if you say something is saying 'I don't like your child'. And where is that going to get you?

Just don't invite her back, and pretend you are busy. It's not in your interests to criticise the child, it just looks like you are being a bitch.

[Molehillmountain]

The only thing about the not saying approach is that it might leave her wondering why her dd isn't invited back and gives her no chance to do anything about it. It's hard to be the one to say though.

[Houseworkprocrastinator]

I would be mortified if mine acted like that and really would want to know. I think it is fairer on the mum if you give her the chance to deal with it rather than just not have her round again.

[HipHopOpotomus]

Indeed molehill - I've read so many threads on MN where parent's are puzzling as to why their DC are being left out/uninvited to parties/playdates etc. Perhaps a lot of the time there is good reason, that no one has had the courage to gently tell them?

[Molehillmountain]

It's a source of great paranoia to me-I have to talk to myself severely to go a) you'll never actually know because no one will tell you b) there are so many other reasons why playdates arent reciprocated other than that the child has been difficult. But dd's friendships are my Achilles heel and I am over sensitive about it. Can I assume at least that if the parent said "she was fine, they had a lovely time" that they are telling the truth?

[HipHopOpotomus]

I usually can't reciprocate play dates (in our homes) as we live in a tiny flat & we both work FT. But I do let parents of DD's friends know that :)

[Pagwatch]

Molehillmountain

Does it help if you bear in mind that the op was about phoning a parent after the fact?
I would never approach a parent and speak to them as the op suggested.

But if a child has been incredibly difficult iwouldn't say 'oh she/he was lovely'. I wouldn't say anything but if asked I would say something as close to truthful as I could - like 'I think they enjoyed themselves. It got a bit tricky a couple of times but I expect they were just tired or over excited'

I wouldn't flat out lie. But tbh if you drop your child you have to trust that they are behaving well and not get defensive about parents having no desire to list your child's failings at pick up.

I always ask DD after a visit how she behaved. Did she take turns, did she play nicely with her friend, was she polite?
Of course she will always say yes but asking serves to remind her.

And I will also quite happily tell a visiting child that they are being rude/badly behaved and would they like me to call their mother/father to come and get them.

I actually did that once. Back when I was an arse

[Molehillmountain]

That's very helpful, pagwatch-just what a paranoid being like me needs to be able to navigate the minefield of children's friendships! And good timing too -just before the school run! Picking up one of dds friends. Can't say I enjoyed the last time all that much but they were loud and boisterous and dd just as much. This time we're going to the park-much better option I feel.

[Pagwatch]

Yeah - its a bloody minefield isn't it?