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Advice on 9yo wetting self (issues with her father)

(3 Posts)
WorriedAsUsual Sun 23-Sep-12 15:56:39

For the past 3+ years, my 9 year old DD has been wetting herself. It started off just at nights, but then progressed to during the day as well. She currently sees a consultant at the hospital for the past year. She is currently having to take lactulose twice a day to keep her bowels empty. She's been told to drink 1.5 litres a day, and she's only allowed water, no juice or anything else. We have to measure her intake etc to keep a record of it.

She struggles to remember to drink as much as she should be. I'm constantly having to remind her to either be drinking or go to the toilet. When she wets herself during the day, she doesn't change. She says she doesn't realise when she has. For the most part, I try not to get angry or upset with her and just tell her to change or to try and remember to go to the toilet more. The consultant has told us that she needs to start taking more responsibility, so has told us to make DD change her own bed and to wash her own clothes, and to make her do this when her favourite programmes are on, which I think is a little harsh tbh but as it's been going on for so long, I understand why she's suggested it.

I know that this stemmed really from her relationship with her father. I split with him when she was 8 months old. She's never had a great relationship with him, I use to have to keep chasing him to call her or see her. He doesn't call her and only times he sees her is when his parents are coming to visit or when DD goes up there to visit (he lives 120 miles away). She doesn't see them often, she's probably spent about 4 weekends at theirs and they've been down to see her 2 or 3 times.

DD has a fantastic relationship with his parents and his sister. Usually she prefers to stay with his sister when she goes to visit as she feels very uncomfortable around her father. Last time she went up, she stayed for two nights over a weekend. The first night she stayed with her grandparents and father (he still lives at home) as her grandma asked if she could and the second night was with his sister. Whilst there, her father stayed in his room most of the time. DD heard on a couple of occasions his parents saying to him "you should go do this with DD/you should take DD out here/you should spend time with DD" etc, and would hear him respond "why do I have to?"

DD has been very upset by this, as who wouldn't be? It absolutely breaks my heart. I'm extremely thankful that at least his family are so good with her, and they know how useless he is and try to make up for it. His sister is getting married next weekend and we're all invited (I have a DP I've been with for 5 years now), and DD asked me if her father will be there as she assumed he would be just sat in his room and doesn't really want to see him. I feel like he may possibly not want to have a relationship with her but is being forced to?

The consultant is aware of the situation with her father. I know DD gets quite nervous when she knows she is going to see him. I'm also expecting so I think she's a little worried about what will happen or change when baby comes though me and DP try to reassure her as much as we can. I'm hoping to speak to our GP about whether DD can have some counselling or speak to someone that isn't involved in the situation so maybe DD can find help through that.

I'd appreciate any advice if anyone can give me any towards the situation? I feel very useless at times when I know there's nothing I can do to just resolve this quickly for DD's sake.

StandYourGround Sun 23-Sep-12 19:27:02

Can I just say you sound like a lovely mother, I wish I'd had a mum like you. You obviously love her very much.

Feel free to adopt me if you're at a loose end mind you i'm 35

WorriedAsUsual Sun 23-Sep-12 20:31:58

StandYourGround oh bless you, you made me cry! I try my best to do what I can for her. I just can't fathom why he doesn't want to make the effort with her. She's such a bright, caring child and he just doesn't deserve to have her as a DD. She deserves so much better than him, and I feel terrible that it's my fault really that she has such a rubbish father. My father left when I was 7 and I rarely saw him, so our situations aren't too different, and I think DD finds comfort in that she's similar to me. She does have a great relationship with DP though, and she often says she wishes DP was her real father. But I tell her that he doesn't need to be blood related to her to be her father.

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