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Toddler and new baby - tips please!

(24 Posts)
Gardengrowing Thu 20-Sep-12 12:58:59

I am sure there must have been threads on this topic before, but I havent managed to find them. Apologies if it is a repeat, and please point me in their direction if you know of any good ones!

I have an 8 week old baby and a 2.5 old DS. I fear that for my DS i have suddenly turned into the mum who says "no", "dont do that" or "be careful" continuosly. I also find myself getting cross in a way i didnt used to. His roughness with the baby seems in turn to be growing - some intentional and some not so intentional.

I am trying to reinforce all positive behaviour and not be too jumpy with the roughness. But i was would be interested in any good mothering tactics that people have found worked.


beckyf21 Thu 20-Sep-12 15:38:18

No tips really but watching this thread with interest. I have DS 2.3 and 11 week old DS. i am constantly saying "no", or "gently" etc. He seems to love his baby brother but can be rough with him, i dont think its intentional, but sometimes he will do things to get a reaction from me. I think he is testing the boundries. He did go through a phase of pulling the babies bottle from his mouth at feed times and the more i said not to do it the more he did! I tried the ignoring tactic and that seems to have worked as he has stopped doing it but now tries to poke him in the eye instead!
So sorry no advice but just that you are not alone.
Hope things improve

Lozario Thu 20-Sep-12 20:52:19

I have DS 3.3 and DD 1.6. Asked DS to "help me" with the baby by fetching things etc when changing her nappy, or asking him to help teach her "how to be gentle"- seemed to play to his ego as he was pleased to feel important! Generally speaking, distraction was best. I still find he might snatch from her or push her over now, especially if I'm out of the room, but I think (as with everything) it is a case of repetition and positive reinforcement. If possible, try to grab a bit of time just the 2 of you whilst baby is asleep/with someone else; it's easy to find yourself doing houseworky things then I know but it will help the older one.

BillyBollyBandy Thu 20-Sep-12 20:55:50

I have 21 months between mine who are now 3 and 15months

Lots of praise from the baby. So "Wow, dd2 loves you singing to her, she loves her big sister" or "aren't you a clever girl looking after dd2 while mummy is changing her nappy. DD2 likes you looking after her"

I also kind of dumped dd2 at bedtime to attend to dd1 - which inadvertently led to dd2 self settling from a very young age!

Iggly Thu 20-Sep-12 20:58:36

I kept dd in a sling for most of the first few weeks to avoid roughness etc. it's hard - your instinct is to protect your child but protecting them from your other child is [confusing]

You will be more grumpy - lack of sleep and hormones etc etc. try and get out of house all of the time!!!! Go easy - don't try and create a happy family. Your older siblin will be jealous. Try and recognise it and give your older dc more cuddles. Don't leave them alone though and don't put your toddler in a position where they can hurt baby - use a playpen/bouncy chair etc and keep toddler busy.

Dd is 9 months and I still have to tell ds to be careful but now she's at the grabbing stage I also tell her the same so DS sees it as being more equal.

mumtocuddlebundle Thu 20-Sep-12 21:22:08

Hiya, another small tip is over the next few months you'll find yourself wanting to speak to and coo over the baby. But can't for fear of the older one getting jealous. So I find talking to the little one about how clever the big brother is, works well. So the little one loves all the eye contact and smiles - but you are actually saying something like "are you watching how clever you big brother is at building towers- maybe when you are a big boy you'll be ablest be as clever as he is' etc.

lolalotta Fri 21-Sep-12 06:52:26

mumtocuddle that is great advice, I don't have DC2 yet but will keep in mind for if/when we do!!!! grin

mumtocuddlebundle Fri 21-Sep-12 07:06:31

Thanks lolalotta. It's cunning isn't it - and works very well. You can see the big brother thinking he's really important!

mumtocuddlebundle Fri 21-Sep-12 07:27:28

Also, when friends, or even complete strangers, speak to the baby and tell you how beautiful he is. Try to include the older one ' x has been such a good big brother, he's my little helper. And baby just loves him'

Gardengrowing Fri 21-Sep-12 14:26:32

This is all really helpful. I like the idea of praise coming from the baby, and praising the older one while cooing with the younger one. It is also really helpful to know that this is all very normal and that my wonderful DS1 hasnt turned into a strange little monster!

lolalotta Fri 21-Sep-12 21:49:42

mumtocuddle you're GOOD!!! Great tips! I think you should write a guide!!!! grin

BooBumpDaddyandMe Thu 11-Oct-12 23:06:54

Taking this all on board hmm

RubyrooUK Thu 11-Oct-12 23:19:23

Ooh, these are good. Keep going! grin

tigersmummy Mon 15-Oct-12 16:42:12

Reading this with interest as have 4.5 yr DS who's just started school and week old DD - I fully intended to ignore baby when DS was about but if she's hungry and I'm only one who can feed her its difficult. He's virtually ignored me since we got back from hospital but I am trying to be understanding. It's so hard!!!

xlatia Mon 05-Nov-12 20:46:32

evening all! i'm also taking note as i just found out that i'm pregnant with DC2. waiting for the dating scan, as i haven't had periods after DC1's birth, but according to my calculations DC1 will be 18 months when DC2 arrives panicky scream
DC1 likes being around other children and recently started being more gentle with them, even though he still is a bit of a bulldozer, so v worried about new baby being smashed already.

easytiger12 Tue 06-Nov-12 21:17:34

DS was 14 months when DD born and I was shocked at how instinctively he seemed to understand that he had to be gentle with her. That said, sometimes, he gets a bit over-excited and sort of 'swipes' at her, and he's leant on her tummy when she's in her bouncy chair and he's trying to get closer to her face a few times. He's also interested in her face and tries to touch her eyes and mouth, which, however gentle, I obviously don't want him to do. It's tough because I don't want to discourage him from being interested and affectionate, but at the same time need to make sure he doesn't hurt her.... don't know what the answer is!

sauvignonblonde Fri 09-Nov-12 20:55:57

I am very interested in this and love some of the tips. i have DS of 2yr 9months and DD nearly 4 months and just haven't got it sussed, at all. DS is driving me mad. He is absolutely gorgeous with the baby and is constantly nuzzling her and calling her "the best baby EVER" but is an absolute tinker (for want of a far more abusive term) with me. my DH works from home and is very hands on, but then goes abroad 1 week in 4, and this is when DS's behaviour naturally takes a total nosedive. I have no wonderful tips or insight to offer except if your DH has to go on a trip, sabotage it!

DreamingOfPeace Fri 09-Nov-12 21:13:42

There's a toddler and newborn support thread, called becoming Mary Poppins I think...

My 26 months today DD is lovely with her 7mo dts most of the time. She's adapted to waaay less time and attention. She adores her brothers, most of the time, and especially now she can see they love her, as they smile, COO and laugh at her. I've always included her, even if just by telling her they love her, or they think she's clever, funny etc.

However in the last 2 weeks she's been worse with them- keeps pulling DT2's fingers out of his mouth when he's sucking them for comfort, lay on top of DT1 twice yesterday, 'pats' them far too hard after being told... So maybe part of it is all phases too...

DreamingOfPeace Fri 09-Nov-12 21:15:11

Oh, and sauvignon I've not got it sussed at all. Housework is non existant, adults live on take away and ready meals toddler not much better but she's just fussy

ErmahgerdBlahdyCold Fri 09-Nov-12 21:25:18

I loved getting out to playgroups at that stage, there's always someone who wants to hold a cute newborn and it gives you time to play with DC1.

Those early days were so hard, it's all worth it now they're 4 and nearly 2, they spend so much time giggling at and entertaining each other. It feels like a long time ago that I had to keep reminding myself that DC2s almost always survive the experience and it's rare to hear about a DC1 seriously injuring their new sibling, depite their best efforts! confused

DreamingOfPeace Sat 10-Nov-12 09:03:06

Oh, definitely erma, I reckon I go to a playgroup 4 out of 5 mornings some weeks blush . Keeps DD happy and as you say, I palm the dts off let others hold my babies.

Gardengrowing Mon 25-Mar-13 22:06:51

Thanks to everyone who replied to my thread a few months ago. Things have gone really well over the last few months. However, the baby is now 8 months, and I just recently we are finding things have deteriorated a bit, much as dreaming of peace mentioned. My ds' nursery did also warn me that they the older sibling often goes through a difficult phase at this stage, as the younger sibling is really becoming a seperate person in their own right.

We have had lots of head patting / hitting. We have had pulling of legs and hats, and general manhandling of the little one. In addition, he just seems a bit unsettled with things and easily moved to a tantrum.

Is this something that others have had at this stage? any good strategies? (my ds has just turned 3).

thanks you!

lasalsosa Sun 15-Sep-13 21:26:38

I have a 3.3 year-old DD and a 10-month DD. DD1 seemed to have grown accustomed to her sister and even enjoys her. But recently DD1 has been grinding her teeth in her sleep, losing her hair, biting her nails, having nightmares and screaming every time she doesn't get her way/misbehaving all day long. Tonight she told me she doesn't love her sister and wants to chuck her out the window. I am going to look into professional help as she's clearly suffering. The hair loss happened also when we brought the baby home (and it stopped 3-months later) so I'm thinking the other symptoms are also a sign of stress related to jealousy of her little sister, who is now coming into her own. It was helpful to read here that the timing of the second batch of jealousy is typical. I don't have any great advice to share yet but will come back if we get useful tips from professional.

MiaowTheCat Mon 16-Sep-13 07:05:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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