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At what age did your nine-year-old dd ...

(44 Posts)
strictlycaballine Wed 19-Sep-12 17:25:44

- start putting themselves to bed,
- start putting out their school clothes the night before,
- start getting themselves ready for extra curricular activities on time (without nagging)
- start bathing themselves (without a tantrum)
- start doing homework on time without being nagged??

Or .. at least ....generally start taking a bit of responsibility for themselves?

The reason I ask is that dd's behaviour is horrible atm (related to the above, specific activities) and in the past when she has been rebellious/angry it's because she has moved on in terms of development but we failed to give her more responsibility or freedom... but I fail to see how to do this when she hasn't yet mastered the above list (without a lot of protest and misery along the way anyway).

I know it's a pipe dream to expect her to do all of the above perfectly all of the time but surely she should be getting the hang of some of them? Right now she is having a tantrum about having to have a bath (behaviour more appropriate to a five year old than a nine year old I would have thought)

She's an only child so I'm not very good at knowing where her development is/should be, in comparison to that of her peers. I'd really appreciate the advice of more knowledgeable/experienced mothers.

Where am I going wrong please?

jennycrofter Wed 19-Sep-12 17:28:41

DD2 (10) and DD3 (8) both shower themselves.

I honestly wouldn't expect them to do any of the rest themselves. I would expect them to do all of it when asked though. i.e. I wouldn't expect them to just go and do homework, but would expect them to sort it out and get on with it, when reminded.

Roseformeplease Wed 19-Sep-12 17:32:17

Not sure where / if you are going wrong. Mine could do all those things at about 7 BUT she is a 2nd child and so was pushing to catch up with her brother. I know it is old but what about a list of things to be done each day and then a treat? My son responds well to "grown up bedtime" (9pm - he is 12) and then 15 minutes off each time he behaves like a child and does not take responsibility, usually in the morning by not gettin up.

One other thought. My daughter is at her most difficult when she is tired. We, therefore say, "You are tired and so need more sleep or you will have to learn to manage your moods". This soon sorts her out!

Remember the traumas of potty training? Up in the night? All these things pass! I am sure you have done nothing wrong and just need a bit of reassurance.

ClaimedByMe Wed 19-Sep-12 17:37:24

My PFB is now a 9 year old dd

- start putting themselves to bed, - for a few years although she likes us to tuck her in and put out her light.
- start putting out their school clothes the night before, - I take them out her cupboard in the morning as her idea of matching clothes and mine are slightly different but she would do it herself if asked
- start getting themselves ready for extra curricular activities on time (without nagging) - shes been doing that a few years
- start bathing themselves (without a tantrum) - shower is part of her daily routine she just goes in when its her turn
- start doing homework on time without being nagged?? - I still live in hope this one will come!!!

Themumsnot Wed 19-Sep-12 17:44:20

My just turned 10 year old needs to be reminded (firmly) to have a shower and I still have to stand over her while she brushes her teeth (she will lie about having done it if not watched).
She sorts out her own clothes and mainly gets herself sorted for extracurricular activites but I do tend to give her a 15 min warning on those as she loses track of time.
Nagging about homework - that was a problem all last year (Y5) but this year she has done it on time without me mentioning it.
Tantrums about bedtime etc do still happen but are slowly getting less frequent. She will read in bed till very late though if I forget to go up and turn out her light when her half hour is up.
Stick in there, it will sort itself out eventually. Keep on with the routines and the reminding - one day you will turn round and thing hmm, haven't had a tantrum for ages.

strictlycaballine Wed 19-Sep-12 17:44:58

We're just about to sit down to a (late) supper (an hour ahead of UK over here) and will be back later to answer in more detailed but just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who has responded. All v. helpful/interesting


Hulababy Wed 19-Sep-12 17:51:43

DD is 10y and in Y6. Birthday in April

* start putting themselves to bed - she doesn't. DH always goes up with her to say goodnight, having a few minutes chat, they've always done it and neither is ready to give it up. I then go up at 9pm to remind her to turn the light off and settle down. and say goodnight.

* start putting out their school clothes the night before - she's always taken off her uniform herself and laid it on bottom bunk (was chair before bunks) for next day, or put it in the wash and got clean out of wardrobe in the morning. That's from starting school tbh.

* start getting themselves ready for extra curricular activities on time (without nagging) - does it straight from school or straight after homework is done. Always been the same routine so was reminded initially, at 5 or 6y, and gradually just did it anyway. Never had to nag tbh as she is always so keen to go.

* start bathing themselves (without a tantrum) - for past 3 or 4 years she has showered herself. Used to check her hair was fully rinsed but last year or so I don't really need to. If she has a bath I will still help her rinse her hair as it can be difficult to do in our bathroom with the hand held shower - and it prevents the huge flood of water we;'d no doubt get. But tbh baths are a rarity here these days.

- start doing homework on time without being nagged - generally done straight after school and done without asking, as that is the routine. But weekend homework needs a nudge, not nagging but a suggestion that now would be a good time. Since starting juniors she's had a homework diary and just knows to get on with it as it was the set routine for each evening.

shineygoldpenny Wed 19-Sep-12 17:58:46

dd 9 showers/bathes/washes hair by herself.
She gets herself dressed for school in the morning, but we don't bother with putting clothes out the night before. She just yanks it out of the wardrobe the night before.
When she gets home from school, she takes her lunchbox out of her bag and dumps puts it in the kitchen.

She doesn't put herself to bed yet, she still requires cuddles, and so do mummy and daddy smile

Homework? Not a chance - I don't think this comes until secondary school. ds 14 is quite good at it, but probably only because he's aware of the consequences of not doing it - I don't think they get detentions in primary.

Labootin Wed 19-Sep-12 18:15:01

Dd is eight

Same as shiny really

She gets herself ready for bed puts her dirty washing in the laundry bin and then I tuck her in and say goodnight

She has a lot of extra curricular activities, everything is written on the calendar as a reminder but ultimately she is responsible for giving me back swimming/sports kit to wash

Her current homework is a diorama and she's been doing a bit everyday as she's really enjoying it so I've left her to it.

Maths and Arabic and french homework (international school)have to be prodded (and occasionally involve shouting)

lljkk Wed 19-Sep-12 18:20:05

DD only did some of those things some of the time at that age. She's now nearly 11yo & completely self sufficient on all points. I didn't push, it just came to her naturally to be self-organised. I still nag 12yo DS on some of those things.

Labootin Wed 19-Sep-12 18:22:05

Just to add everything at home is very organised .. So she knows where to find everything which REALLY helps,and she does have an older brother

alittlebitshy Wed 19-Sep-12 18:27:53

- start putting themselves to bed. She will get herself into bed after her bath. we go and turn her light out at the right time but she is capable of doing so 9and did last night when i was in the bath and late getting to her blush). Likes a kiss before bed though.

- start putting out their school clothes the night before, I do this for both dc. I am not sure dd could easily as uniform is often being dried so in different places. She could put underwear out if i asked. remembering would be an issue. On a weekend she will get herself dressed no probs.

- start getting themselves ready for extra curricular activities on time (without nagging) Most of her extra curricular activities are at school so she kind of does this - though for early morning ones i have to nag to get out the house.

- start bathing themselves (without a tantrum) Done this since she was 8 and a half i guess. Knows it is her turn once ds is out of the bath, then closets herself in the bathroom.

- start doing homework on time without being nagged?? Depends!! Sometimes she will come in and do. Other times a gentle reminder. Other times a full on row is required. She gets a LOT though - most 9 year olds don;t get as much so not easy to use her as an eg. Oh yes - as above - maths frequently involves shouting!

piratecat Wed 19-Sep-12 18:30:24

at 9 dd got herself ready for bed but i have to say night. (she's 10 now)

i put clothes out, on monday, but remind her to check after school how dirty things are (not generally) and to put in machine, and get a fresh one out the wardrobe. so have to remind her.

She puts deodorant on herself now without prompting

showering-has to be told she needs one. we tried her washing her own hair, but tbh still needs a bit of help with her long hair. She would never shower if not prompted.

She has learnt very quickly tho to check her pads (periods started at 9) and be very responsible for that.

has to be reminded about homework.

Mine is an only too, and i just think they need to be reminded, and prompted.
Putting bowl or plate in sink and rinsing is norm. She puts things in the bin, tidies up her own stuff well.

NotWilliamBoyd Wed 19-Sep-12 18:30:41

Erm just trying to think - DD is just 9 (young Y5). She automatically puts herself through the shower every evening, although sometimes we need to remind her to wash her hair, she's getting used to it needing doing more frequently. She'll put herself to bed, although then she'll read for hours! At the weekend I wasn't well and she supervised her brother through the shower, read him a story etc and brought me a hot chocolate before taking herself off to bed.

Uniform - doesn't put it out the night before, gets it out in the morning as required.

She'll get herself ready for Brownies/swimming etc etc but I usually give her a 15 min warning as sometimes she loses track of time.

Homework - we usually discuss when is going to be the best time to do it (weekend) and she might need a reminder but is usually keen to get it out of the way.

All sounds great - and she is, although she has her moments too!

Startailoforangeandgold Wed 19-Sep-12 19:12:14

DD2 is 11, but this list probably hasn't changed much since she was 9

start putting themselves to bed,
Yes, but lies about cleaning her teeth and won't go to sleep until she's been kissed.
- start putting out their school clothes the night before,
Generally very good, except at losing shoes
- start getting themselves ready for extra curricular activities on time (without nagging)
Either ready hours early, or utterly hopeless
- start bathing themselves (without a tantrum)
If she thinks she needs one she vanishes into the shower or asks me to run a bath (somehow there has never been a routine for this, people just go and get clean when they need to. Well the females of the house do. DH is utterly and completely hopeless).
- start doing homework on time without being nagged??
Again she is either absolutely amazingly brilliantly organised or decides she can't be bothered.
Since she does not like getting in trouble I suspect senior school homework will be done pretty well.

Basicly she is very capable of being very organised and self sufficient. She knows she can be very grown up indeed, but doesn't always choose to be.

DD1 (14) is dyslexic and being organised and remembering HW and things was certainly alien to her at 9 (since she didn't learn to read until she was 11 HW was a total nightmare). However, she learnt very quickly to survive at secondary and is entirely capable of looking after herself.
(As long as she has a digital watchgrin)

PiedWagtail Wed 19-Sep-12 19:17:22

-start putting themselves to bed
DD will be 9 in Oct. She does that pretty much now - leaves her clothes lying around if I don't remind her, but the rest is there. She brushes teeth, gets ready for bed, sets alarm, reads till lights out time.
- start putting out their school clothes the night before,
Ha! I do this.
- start getting themselves ready for extra curricular activities on time (without nagging)
Yes - she gets herself ready for Brownies, dodgeball, tennis - she lays her clothes out for dodgeball the night before. Shows she's keen to go! If it's something she's not keen on, she won't bother...
- start bathing themselves (without a tantrum)
She showers herself
- start doing homework on time without being nagged??
Yes,s he's very good at that - comes home straight from school adn does it then so it's done.

DeWe Wed 19-Sep-12 20:27:07

All of them for my 8yo and 11yo I would expect to shout up and them to do it. Realistically the 8yo, if she's reading or caught up in something, may need a second (louder) threat reminder, but that's personality. Dd1 would do all of those with one reminder as a general rule since she was about 5-6yo.

Dd2 is currently putting ds (age 5yo) to bed, the only thing I've done has been remind them to brush teeth. She's better with a bit of responsibility too.

strictlycaballine Thu 20-Sep-12 08:13:35

Crikey! Loads more answers - THANK YOU everyone.

Going to grab a coffee and sit down to read probably. BBL.

strictlycaballine Thu 20-Sep-12 08:18:31

probably confused???


properly !! grin

Bonsoir Thu 20-Sep-12 08:19:18

DD (7.10):

- we all go to bed at the same time, so are all getting undressed/washed together. She gets into bed and I tuck her in and give her a kiss - she often reads for a few minutes on her own before putting her light out
- I choose her clothes in the morning depending on weather/the activities of the day (sports) etc. She is too young to make the right choices on her own though she does often tell me what she wants to wear
- her extra-curricular activities are nearly all after school so just happen as a continuity
- she knows that she cannot watch TV or play until homework is out of the way at set times (Monday evening, Wednesday morning, Thursday evening, Saturday morning) and generally gets started on her own and then asks one of us to test her

jimswifein1964 Thu 20-Sep-12 08:22:06

bed - aged 6; sometimes we read first, sometimes not if its a bit later
school clothes - aged 7, with reminders
ready for activities - aged 8, with remind and nag to this day
bath - aged 6
homework - will never be done without nagging!

ThursdayWillBeTheDay Thu 20-Sep-12 08:24:54

start putting themselves to bed- I say "off to the bathroom now" and off she goes,gets ready for bed, then we read together for 10 mins.
- start putting out their school clothes the night before-we do this in the morning....she has breakfast, then she goes and dresses.
- start getting themselves ready for extra curricular activities on time (without nagging) - she is the one nagging me usually
- start bathing themselves (without a tantrum) she whinges a bit,but then I can't get hr out!
- start doing homework on time without being nagged?? since she started school. Am not in the UK and from starting at 6 she has had c3 hrs a day so you either do it or are in a heap of trouble. She has known that from the start,that it is her job, not mine.

She will be 9 in 10 days.

strictlycaballine Thu 20-Sep-12 09:06:13

Thank you all. This is incredibly helpful info. The behaviour/organisational skills of some of your dcs (and therefore of yourselves) are incredibly impressive indeed. Interesting that the 'onlys' have to be reminded a bit more. Makes sense I suppose.

In summary then (with the odd exception) most of your dc's are doing, or are well on their way to doing, most of the tasks on the list (with a bit of prompting/encouragment) by the time they are eight or so (with the exception of homework perhaps!).

By the time they are 10/11 yrs they are doing them all pretty reliably (again, with hwk causing a few blips here and there!)

So I guess dd should be "in transit" between these two positions.

But where we are at atm is that:

-she occasionally puts herself to bed (if we are particularly busy for example) and is pretty good about bedtime in general, but dh 'loosely' supervises tooth-brushing/washing etc and and always stays with her for 10/20 mins or so before tucking her in.

- dd wears school uniform (therefore v. distinctive to pick out) and her clothes are v. organised in her cupboard/wardrobe but she is still failing to organise herself the night before. She also dawdles horribly over getting ready in the morning.

- she is good at getting ready for extra-curricular activities once prompted several times (x3 per week - separate from school) but hopeless at judging the time necessary to do so

- she has always hated baths/washing/getting wet. I've no idea why. And still resists to this day. We have major battles over it. She has two baths per week on Weds and Suns (Sun is hair-washing day - doesn't need it more than that) and then has quick showers in between. We battle beforehand but once she is "in" (which takes lots of tedious persuasion every time) she can pretty much look after herself, save for a bit of help with hair rinsing. All of this is ridiculously draining though.

- hwk has been an issue in the past (high pressured school - the norm in the country where we live unfortunately) and continues to be.

So - in general - she is trailing behind most of your dc, which is what I thought. The frustrating thing is that I know she is capable of much more (like Startailoforangeandgolds dd she can be very grown up and do it perfectly well but doesn't always choose to do so) and we never seem to get to the "fun stuff" because we are continually stumbling over the basics. And it takes up a lot of time.

Roseformplease and Themumsnot thanks for your words of reassurance - greatly appreciated! I like the idea of incentives and of turning around one day and realising it has all finally "clicked" smile

We are trying to instigate "board game" night on Wednesdays (which she loves) and so I may make this contingent on being bathed and in pjs it then becomes a treat. I definitely know I need to nag less - interesting that lljkk didn't nag at all and it came naturally.

Bonsoir we also have no tv rule until hwk is complete

Thanks again everyone. All your posts have given me lots of food for thought. Will go away and try and formulate a new (non nagging) plan. Also, very reassuring to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel grin

swanthingafteranother Thu 20-Sep-12 09:34:20

I too read these answers with awe and envy.

dd 10 went through a washing refusal stage (like yours she just didn't like the boredom of changing her clothes, getting wet, wet hair etc - this was between 8 and 9, yet she had always been a bit of a waterbaby before that) Now she is quite good at having a shower when asked, or even unprompted (4 times a week say?) We have had to remind her on occasion, and she has been reluctant but eventually had one. The turning point was buying lots of fancy shower gels, special shampoos, waterproof showercaps, flannels, scuba diving equipment, lock on bathroom door, extra special pjs, hair scrunchies (when hair washing) She liked the drama of this aspect of bathtime/showertime, and it became more interesting to her.

putting out clothes - again, not really happening, and still having to remind her to put her shoes on shoe rack because they are scattered all round the house and she can't fnd them come morning hmm But she now appears dressed and ready every morning, with matching everything, and walks to school herself with everything in order, hair brushed, bag, waterbottle, and that's all her own the shoes are really just a blip

laundry, almost happening, she has her own laundry basket, but has a tendency at last minute to demand certain items of clothing which are still at bottom of laundry basket, without having checked the night before (school cardies, Brownie uniform)

Afterschool activities - brilliant at getting ready as long as they are the ones she wants to do...dreadful at the ones she ultimately went off (like ballet) But leaves most of gathering of stuff to me, so I suppose not so brilliant. But enthusiastic and doesn't dither, and very keen to be there on time. (That's netball, piano, Guides, swimming) Last year she was much more erratic, she has improved this year; still a tendency at last minute to demand something that she didn't put away the previous week and has got lost (trainers, badges, special pair of freemasonery socks that sort of thing)

In short she is extremely untidy, very bolshy, but once she sets her mind to something she is pretty organised.

Oh and homework, mostly gets down to it, but not particularily conscientious (and UK homework pretty much a doddle) Never goes that extra mile. But it is done, and put away and in the bookbag and taken to school BY HER.

swanthingafteranother Thu 20-Sep-12 09:39:26

I have to say she is always very obsessed about having the right equipment, constantly nagging me to buy more cardigans, more pairs of white socks, the right sort of swimsuit, so I suspect she is quite worried about getting things wrong in the eyes of her peers, which is part of her drive to be organised, and fit in, look smart, have all the right pens, homework done etc. It is her who feels this not me, so I would say her desire to be organised has come from within, not from me asking her to be organised.

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