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Health visitor made me cry it out

(85 Posts)
broomformychin Wed 05-Oct-11 18:01:05

My dd is 12 weeks tomorrow and will only sleep in her sling during the day. I told my health visitor this, this morning and she said to try putting her in her Moses basket and if it doesn't work to give her a call. I rang her up and she came round and then said just leave her to cry and said I should go sit in the kitchen. She then just kept saying just leave her. My dd cried for an hour and a half until she fell asleep. The hv stayed until she fell asleep. I cried the whole time too and now I can't stop crying. I'm so ashamed and guilty, I should of just said that I don't want to and held my daughter but I can't seen to ever question anyone who is more important than me. I feel awful, I've never if left her to cry for a minute before. Is this going to do her permanent damage? I feel like i just abandoned her. My mum said just to lie when the hv start asking questions so that they don't start interfering, I just wish I'd of jut said no I don't want to let her cry.

whomovedmychocolate Wed 05-Oct-11 18:03:57

What a witch angry

Poor baby. sad

May I suggest you put this down to experience and do what you think is right next time.

Repeat after me nurse with scales does not parenting expert make.

thisisyesterday Wed 05-Oct-11 18:05:30

oh sweetheart sad

it can be tough when someone who is in "authority" so to speak is standing there telling you to do something.
I am terrible at confrontation and telling people I think they are wrong, but over the years I have learned that I have to do that for my children. no-one else will.

If I were you I would actually put in an official complaint about this health visitor. The fact that she is advising you to leave a small baby to cry for an hour and a half is absolutely disgusting, and the fact that you felt you couldn't say no is no small thing either

I would also suggest that you simply do not see her any more. Health visitors are there for people who want to see them, you do not have to do so if you don't want to.

and try and remember.. the health visitor is NOT more important than you. She is a person, just like you and me. she isn't a baby expert, she doesn't know your baby better than you. she is JUST a person

whomovedmychocolate Wed 05-Oct-11 18:06:55

FWIW your baby will not be permanently damaged by this. Just give her lots of cuddles, you will BOTH get over this smile

Georgimama Wed 05-Oct-11 18:07:36

You've learned an important lesson - do not act against your instincts. No harm has been done but this HV is clearly an idiot and i agree with your mother.

GreenMonkies Wed 05-Oct-11 18:10:23

Lodge a complaint, that woman should not be telling anyone to leave a 12 week old baby to cry. Even parenting "gurus" say not til 6 months at least.

Seriously, you have to complain.

And put your baby back in the sling.

Mimmee Wed 05-Oct-11 18:10:25

OP poor you. I am actually quite shocked that HV recommended this approach at 12 weeks AFAIK any kind of "sleep training" is not recommended before 6 months?

DD is 7 mo and one thing I have realised is that HV are not the the font of all knowledge and can have wildly differing opinions. It's fine to ask for advice but you need to be comfortable with it.

Don't beat yourself up it's done now and your DD will certainly not be damaged by it. You know now that is not an approach you are comfortable with.

12 weeks is still so little, you could try gradually getting her used to moses basket - maybe putting her down awake in it when she's not too tired so she get's used to being in there? Where does she sleep at night?

Your DD will get there in her own time and if you're not happy with her sleeping in the sling try a more gentle approach that will suit you both, eg, lie down on the bed with her while she naps?

BTW the HV is NOT more important than you - you know your child best. Trust your instincts and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

broomformychin Wed 05-Oct-11 18:15:05

And dd is back awake. An hour and a half crying for 25 mins sleep. I'm just going cuddle her now. Hope she forgives me sad poor little girl. Trying not to cry because I know they get upset if you are but I keep thinking about het broken hearted sobs sad

Flisspaps Wed 05-Oct-11 18:15:38

Please don't feel guilty. Your daughter will be absolutely fine. Sleeping in a sling is fine if you're happy for her to be there, if it's an issue at night then will she co-sleep?

Your HV gave you the wrong advice, please have some faith in your own instincts (or ask MN for advice ;) )

Georgimama Wed 05-Oct-11 18:17:13

broom she's fine. She isn't crying because you left her to cry, I promise. feed/change nappy/cuddle. That's all she needs.

broomformychin Wed 05-Oct-11 18:17:43

She does sleep in her Moses basket at night most of time. She won't smile at me sad sad

KittyWalker Wed 05-Oct-11 18:19:40

Awwww poor you sad. What amazingly poor advice. As others have said learn from this and know that your instincts as her mother are the ones to listen to. angry

TheCrackFox Wed 05-Oct-11 18:19:57

You poor thing. Your HV sounds like a right old cow but FWIW your baby will be fine but so don't beat yourself up.

Crying it out is only recommended for babies who are older than 6 months and your HV should know that (it is after all her job) so feel free to put in a complaint about her.

Your mum is right, just lie to her or do what I did and decline their "help".

Georgimama Wed 05-Oct-11 18:20:14

it's twenty past six. my two both go cranky at this time. you are her favourite person in the world - you are the world to her. she isn't holding grudges.

GreenMonkies Wed 05-Oct-11 18:20:42

Put her in the sling and hold her close. It'll be ok.

PeggyCarter Wed 05-Oct-11 18:25:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notlettingthefearshow Wed 05-Oct-11 18:25:35

I've definitely heard of that being done, but that's not the point. The point is, you should do what you think is best. It's hard to be strong in the face of 'authority' but ultimately you have to do what you think is best.

Please don't feel guilty - just move forward, and try to be stronger in future.

threeinmybed Wed 05-Oct-11 18:25:49

As long as you're happy with her in the sling, why does it matter? Did you tell the HV different?

Don't fret, your DD is probably still a bit tired if she didn't sleep that well.

We all make mistakes. Perhaps it's better that you realised cry it out doesn't work now, rather than fantasise about doing it another time when you're knackered! You can also bat the HV off now; her suggestion didn't work. So she can go and shove her stupid advice right up her fat arse <assuming emoticon>

ForYourDreamsAreChina Wed 05-Oct-11 18:26:45

Your baby will be fine.
Your HV is crap.

5littleducks Wed 05-Oct-11 18:27:38

You don't have to ever see the HV. Don't ask her advice. It beggars belief not only that she told you to leave her to cry at that age but that she actually came round to your house and sat there for that whole time - does she really have nothing better to do?! Is there any particular reason she is lavishing this help upon you?

TheSkiingGardener Wed 05-Oct-11 18:31:28

Your baby will smile at you again. She's a bit confused probably but plenty of hugs will get you both back together.

Damage is done when there is PERSISTENT behaviour that causes problems. This was a one off and so won't form part of a pattern for your baby.

Please complain about this HV. Her advice was negligent.

heggertyhaggerty Wed 05-Oct-11 18:32:51

HV needs reporting. Out of order angry

So sorry you have both been treated like this.

nojustificationneeded Wed 05-Oct-11 18:32:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

broomformychin Wed 05-Oct-11 18:34:53

I think it's because I was quite upset when I went to clinic this morning. I said I was tired from having her on me all the time. But I'd rather be tired than ever listen to het that upset again. Were having a cuddle and a sing now.

LittleMissFlustered Wed 05-Oct-11 18:37:52

My first health visitor told me to put my daughter down for ten minutes to get myself food and demolish it, but would never have offered such dopey advice. Looks like you scored for a 'bad' one. Phone your surgery and request a new one to be assigned. If they refuse say that you wish to be taken off the visitor list and that you'll use clinic when you need to in future. They don't like it, but they can't stop you.

Good luck.

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