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I need help. At the end of my tether with my nearly 11 year old

(18 Posts)
Chocamochalatte Thu 29-Sep-11 19:47:54

what do you do when they won't do as they're told, ie go to your room, get in the house... Fed up up of screaming shouting and having to chase him round the house / garden sad I can't talk to him, there's no reasoning at all... And now DT2 every so often copies him, although I can reason with him...

Really need advice please.

reckoner Thu 29-Sep-11 20:12:40

With DD (10) we've had to really go back to basics. Clear rules. Any seriously bad behaviour results in withdrawal of privileges, no pocket money and/or grounding. Good behaviour gets praised and she gets shown affection as much as possible. We find the hormones and generally the age is what's up with her, along with sensitivity. I think the key to dealing with preteens is to listen and understand them. They are not toddlers who have a tantrum (though often it feels like it!), but they are big kids with com

reckoner Thu 29-Sep-11 20:13:52

Sorry posted too soon.

With complex emotions and problems.

Chocamochalatte Thu 29-Sep-11 21:20:18

I do try to listen and understand, it just doesn't do very much, I always start out calm sad

exoticfruits Thu 29-Sep-11 21:31:47

What is he like at school and with other people?

Chocamochalatte Thu 29-Sep-11 21:34:56

He seems to be good at school, the odd stubborn / sulky moment but nothing like at home, no 'tantrums' doesn't really fight with others at school only his DB, and they're in separate classes... He takes everything literally which is a big problem and very sensitive...

cory Thu 29-Sep-11 21:42:35

How often do you end up in situations where you have to give him straight commands like "get in the house" and "go to your room"? Could it be that this is happening a lot? Could it be because you are still talking to him as a younger child when he would be ready for a little more independence? I have a ds just a little older than this and he has to do as he is told- but I am gradually beginning to leave more and more things to his judgment and discuss things with him more on an adult basis. But with the clear understanding that if he can't behave like an adult I won't be able to treat him like an adult.

Or is it simply that he is having tantrums for other reasons (hormones?) so you end up with no choice but to command him?

exoticfruits Thu 29-Sep-11 21:48:21

I would sit him down when you are both calm and say something like 'this isn't working-what do you feel when I end up shouting?' Hopefully he will say that he doesn't like it and you can explain that he is too old to have to chase around the garden etc and that you would rather be pleasant.

Draw up a list of rules together-keep it simple with only a few important ones. I would get a jar and some marbles and when it is full he gets a treat. Don't take any out-just don't put them in if he doesn't stick to the rules. (or something similar that he can see build up).

Chocamochalatte Thu 29-Sep-11 22:06:00

The 'get in the house' 'go to your room' is after this behaviour ie when he's behaved like this I'll tell him to go to his room..
This evening for instance, it was lovely and warm out, when id got home from work they'd done their homework so I said let's go to the park, walk along the beach and get a cone of chips, so he makes this big fuss about finding a tshirt, we're then all ready, DT2 gets in the car and suddenly DT1 won't get in, and I can't even remember the reason now (!) so we can't go, give him three chances to get in the car and he won't, so apart from physically man handling him (which I have had to before) I say ok we're not going. And DT2 and me go back in the house, however DT1 refuses and spends the next hour and half outside refusing to come in...

Chocamochalatte Thu 29-Sep-11 22:08:15

Exoticfruits, are you saying, have an empty jar, some marbles, every time he's good put one in... But... Don't take any out when naughty? That's got to be worth a try (kind of a grown up sticker chart!) only problem is I'll have to do it for both of them!

exoticfruits Thu 29-Sep-11 22:12:55

Yes. It is just something he can see. If you start taking them out it can get to the point where he can't see and end but if he has a blip he hasn't lost anything-he is just a bit slower building it up. You would have to do it with both. Draw up the rules with both.
He does seem difficult! You wonder what tonight was about.
Are you a single parent?
DS2 is obviously missing out through no fault of his own.

exoticfruits Thu 29-Sep-11 22:13:59

Sorry I don't seem to have punctuated well. Should also read 'can't see an end'. Make it a small jar to get success.

exoticfruits Thu 29-Sep-11 22:17:24

Perhaps if he is fussy give him more time. e.g say 'when you are ready we could go out'. Don't go further than that, say that you can decide when ready.
Then if they are not ready there is nothing to be disappointed about. You rather feel for DS2 who was the one to be disappointed.
Is he jealous of DS2-is DS2 much easier?

Chocamochalatte Thu 29-Sep-11 22:21:39

Thanks exotic, no, not a single parent, DH has been working away most of the week though, back tonight.
I thought it would get easier as they get older, give me a toddler going through terrible twos any day!

Chocamochalatte Thu 29-Sep-11 22:25:18

DT2 is easier, always been able to reason with him, he finds school 'easier' than DT1 who has always struggled, DT2 was actually ok, I made sure I gave him all my attention to make up for it... (DT2 def more like me in personality and DT1 more like DH!)

exoticfruits Thu 29-Sep-11 22:26:24

I would do the rules with DH there too.
Ask DS what would help him keep to them e.g. he might like more warning as in 10 mins.
Try treating him in a more adult like way but make sure that he knows he has to have a more mature attitude to go with it. Good luck.

BoffinMum Thu 29-Sep-11 22:30:56

1-2-3 Magic is good.
Perhaps hang out with him a bit more generally so you are having nice conversations as well as exchanging cross words.
Try not telling him to do anything for a day but don't pick up after him either, and see what happens.

exoticfruits Thu 29-Sep-11 22:36:45

Another thought-try doing something just with him and let DH do something with DS2 and vice versa. I have 2 DSs, close in age and DH and I agreed that it didn't matter which you had, they were always better on their own!

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