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dh having problems dealing with ds behaviour please help!

(4 Posts)
rogersmellyonthetelly Fri 23-Sep-11 10:20:07

ds is almost 7. he is fine at school, working slightly ahead of average i believe, reading well. he has no behaviour issues, is polite, well mannered, popular and plays well with all kids in the class.
he is however a bit of a dreamer at home. he is easily distracted when asked to do tasks, and having been sent upstairs for his socks for example, will be found 10 minutes later in his bedroom playing with his cars, having forgotten about the socks by the time he got half way upstairs.
it is frustrating, but no doubt he will improve as he gets older, and i have no doubt that he is just an average kid.
not so dh. he insists that ds is slack, and needs to sharpen up. he tries to make this happen by constant chivvying, nagging, and generally picking on him.
This all came to a head last night when ds went to football practice. ds had a rubbish game, apparently was just standing around on the pitch picking his nose, and jumping up and down in his own little world, not really interacting with the others or playing the game. dh got very angry about this and on the way home told ds that he wasnt having his new football boots (worn for first time last night) as he didnt deserve them if he wasnt going to try.
now there is a lot of history in this football thing. dh has always taken him to footie practice, but he is also the coach there, and therefore ds has been under considerable pressure to perform. recently we have moved house and ds has had to move football teams, the first week he went to practice on the thursday, there was a match on the saturday. dh bigged up the match etc etc, dh's mum and dad came to watch him too, and sadly, ds had a really bad match. not reallly concentrating, not playing well with the other kids etc etc. by far the worst thing though was dh who stood on the touchline, shouting at ds, picking him up on every error and basically making him feel like an idiot. PIL were appalled by this, and im just glad i wasnt there or i would probably have committed gbh.
dh seems to expect ds to behave like a mini adult, and be able to concentrate and play well as part of a team whom he has only met for the first time a few days ago. he is very negative about his behaviour at home and is constantly banging on about discipline (ds is very rarely badly behaved!) and saying that he will never get anywhere in life if he doesnt learn to try.
i have had a huge row with dh this morning over his behaviour, and he has asked me to come on here to find some suggestions as to how we can improve ds concentration and encourage him to try without bullying him or making him self concious.
personally i think dh is the problem not ds, but i cant make him see that ds's behaviour on the football pitch is a combination of nervousness at a new team, and anxiety about dh getting on at him, and not that he is slack or not trying.
any thoughts or suggestions on positive ways we can help ds to overcome this would be very gratefully received! dh is now barred from football practice by me, and i will be taking ds from now on.

mumeeee Fri 23-Sep-11 12:37:52

Tell your DH to stop nagging and take a step back. Also an almost 7 year old is very young to be playing in competitive football matches.
One of my nephews went to football at that age but they weren't put into competitive matches until they were nearly 8. They just practiced and played friendly games. Most 6 year olds do not have much concentration.

underafricanskies Sat 24-Sep-11 15:53:40

I second what mumeee says, and I speak as the mum of a football obsessed, highly competitive 7 year old. Most of the kids in DS's team havent a clue, dip in and out of concentrating on the game, and are frequently dreamy or distracted on the pitch. My DS is the exception, and I dont believe he is healthier or better off for it - on the contrary. I worry about his intensity around sport, and his competitveness.

But even for my DS, there has been a huge difference in his performance each year: even as late as last year, he was still dribbling the ball in the wrong direction often. This year he has come into his own and is one of hte best in the team. But for some of the other kids that will happen even later, and for some it happened earlier. THe important thing is that your DH backs off and lets your DS enjoy the game and feel that he is playing for himself, not his parents or grandparents. Or DH risks setting up a huge issue now, and eventually turning DS off sport or at least football.

Easier said than done I know. Good luck with this.

HansieMom Mon 26-Sep-11 00:44:02

I think DH should read your message and think about what you have written, as you seem very tuned in to DS and understand him.
Perhaps DH would like to play on a football team himself?

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