little girl politics at school, what to do

[confusedandbewildered]

dd started school 2 weeks ago, so far so good until yesterday whehn another mum who's a friend mentioned to me that my dd had been unkind to her dd, saying unpleasant things, deliberately leaving her out, with a couple of other girls involved (all girls previously friends).

V awkward, apologised, had a chat with dd about it but don't want to turn it into a huge issue with dd because I'm hoping it's to do with the stress of staring school and a quick chat and some discsussion about being kind might remedy it. Never been an issue before, or with any of the other girls involved. The mum has spoken to all the parents aout how she feels her dd is being picked on by them all. Clearly I feel for the Mum, must be horrible to think of your child being left out, it's happened to me with dd before. But only heard one side of the story. Am completely paranoid now, v tense atmosphere at school gates, we were all previously friends (parents I mean). School haven't mentioned anything to me, should I approach teacher about it? What apporach should I take with dd?

Just what I didn't need, have been so anxious about dd starting school, and fitting in with everyone. I've encouraged her to ignore things that annoy or upset her, try not to leave people out and focus on meeting new friends.

Please help!

[ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs]

IIWY, I would speak to the teacher quietly and ask her to keep an eye on the situation.
Girls can be horrible, nasty little cows and I say that as a mother of a single girl.

[confusedandbewildered]

This mum has apparently asked the teacher to verify if anythings goingon and she's said there's a "rift" in the group...ut hasn't mentioned anything to me!? I'd appreciate finding out from the teacher tbh. I tried to speak to her yesterday but didn't get the opportunity. Too busy first thing then just shot off after pick up yesterday (teacher, not me).

[talilac]

Bad school gate etiquette on the other mum's part IMO.

You don't talk to the other parents in this situation for exactly the reason you describe - it damages everyone's relationship. Also, even with an older child you don't know if you are getting the full picture. Instead it is far better to take issues like these to the teacher who should know how to sort it out.

Now that you have been put in this situation, I think best thing is to speak to the teacher. If the other mother brings it up again, suggest she also speaks to the teacher who will either deal with any issues in the classroom or put the mother's mind at rest.

[bejeezus]

a rift in the group?!?

they are 4 and they have been at school 2 weeks!

it will be another dd next week

the mum is over reacting. But starting school is stressful so allowable and understandable and forgiveable

[bejeezus]

yes - what talilac says. the teacher should be sorting this out

[docket]

Definitely leave to the teacher to sort out! This kind of attitude (the other mum's) just isn't helpful. It's upsetting to think of your child being left out for sure but going round talking to the other parents isn't on IMO. The teacher will be experienced and more importantly unbiased and will most likely have a good view on what is or isn't happening and how anything should be dealt with.

[docket]

In the meantime I would impress on your DD (as you have already done) the need to be kind etc.

Try not to worry, it will all blow over and I really think this mum coming up and challenging parents directly is not the right approach (allowing for the fact that her DD is starting school and she is probably anxious etc etc...)

[confusedandbewildered]

Thankyou so much for all the advice, I'm a very anxious person and have been tearing myself up in knots over this and over analysing everything. I'm trying so hard to not be anxious in front of dd as I don't want her to be like me .

My best friend who came to stay said the way i was grilling dd about her friendships probably wasn't helpful and may even cause an issue where there isn't one . She's right, I'm going to try to be more lighthearted with dd. This has really thrown a spanner in the works, we (the mums) have been going out, having a glass of wine going for coffee getting on great...now we're all a bit forced politeness it's horrible.

I think you can only really intervene like this when you see it yourself..and even then give it a chance to blow over before saying anything, there's been a lot of tension at home which may have affected dd, along with starting school. At least it's made me motivated to sort the home stuff out.

But thinking over it I actually feel quite annoyed, it's quite a powerful thing she's done. And we're all being very careful around each other now.

[DorisIsAPinkDragon]

Definitely allow the teacher to sort out any issues, I have a dd1 in yr 2 and dd2 just started too. It is incredibly hard not to take too much of an interest in things. Because whilst they come home one day sad and sorry becuase x has been unkind the next day they are their new best friend.

The hardest thing I think to deal with are paries when 1 or 2 of a group of friends don't get invited (arrrgggh) but we're working past that now...

Is there any way you culd get the mums together and break the ice (again) with some wine and nibbles, you've got many years of school gate pickups and the sooner this becomes water under the bridge the better.