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Am crazy with rage.....4 year old DS

(30 Posts)
sunshineandshowers Sun 04-Sep-11 18:55:30

...Has absolutely no respect for anyone.

He is always shouting, screaming, whining, crying, shouting. I ask him the same thing 50 times before he listens. I am so demoralised. He eats well, I play with him 1 to 1 every day.

DH just got him out the bath, I was putting the baby to bed who was v tired. He didn't want to get out, so shouts, and when I say shouts, its a throaty scream the loudest you have ever heard. Then he kicks and pushes the bathroom door and it smashes against a wall. If I am honest I am getting a bit scared of him. I would never ever ever have hit a door when I was a child. I just don't understand it.

He is also totally incapable of being quiet. If DD is having a nap, he will be purposefully noisy.

What am I doing wrong? We are consistent. We use the naughty step, we try to never threaten without carrying thro (sometimes mess up), and we also have a stones in the pot system, one stone in for doing something nice, out for bad. We use this for low level behaviour. WHen pot filled gets some lego.

Please help me.

sunshineandshowers Sun 04-Sep-11 18:57:23

The reason I am crazy with rage is that I finally lost it with him, and shouted at him (I never shout - was brought up with mother who shouted ALL the time, so am pathologically scared of it), feel close to tears now. I shouted that I was sick of his behaviour etc etc

Breevandercamp1750 Sun 04-Sep-11 18:59:10

Ohhhh your post made me smile. DS1 is kind of similar, very noisy, never ever listens (unless it's something he wants to hear), makes so much mess in the playroom it's like a bomb has hit it. Feels like I'm talking to a brick wall most of the time.

And if DS2 is taking a nap then it's seen as free reign to make as much noise as possible! grin

Breevandercamp1750 Sun 04-Sep-11 19:01:08

Don't worry about shouting once in a while. It's as if their ears are stuffed with cotton wool sometimes and it's frustrating and if I'm honest it makes me sad. Feels like fighting a loosing battle some days. I know exactly how you feel. confused

Hassled Sun 04-Sep-11 19:02:25

Four year old boys are notoriously hard work. Testosterone, or something. He won't always be like this, I promise. It sounds like you're doing everything right - just keep gritting your teeth, keep counting to ten, keep with the zero tolerance.

And re the shouting/losing it - probably did him a lot of good to see that you have a tipping point, and that he'd pushed things too far. We've all been there.

sunshineandshowers Sun 04-Sep-11 19:17:56

Thank you so much. Such kindness.

I have just spotted the other two threads about 4 year old boys near the top of behaviour board, so am writing down some ideas from there. Am also on Amazon.

Am feeling a bit calmer. Have sent DH out for lots of chocolate.

sunshineandshowers Sun 04-Sep-11 19:18:23

He's back. Hooray.

Gumps Sun 04-Sep-11 19:28:50

No advice but just joining you in 4yo boy woes. My gorgeous ds has turned into a horror and it's so sad. He has started using the phrase you are not my mummy! I swear I haven't been letting him watch Eastenders.
He doesn't seem to be able to control it though and flits between being a horror and telling me he loves me.
I am hoping the routine of school will help as dc3 due any minute.

sunshineandshowers Sun 04-Sep-11 19:33:47

Gumps yes he says things that we have NO idea where he gets them from. Today he said to me "I'm going to smash you up Mummy, and put you down the toilet".

He aslo says, "I love you Mummy" at least 5 times a day.

TheMonster Sun 04-Sep-11 19:36:27

I suspect we share a son, sunshineandshowers, so don't feel that your son is not normal in any way! As we speak, DH is upstairs battling putting DS to bed.

deemented Sun 04-Sep-11 19:41:44

They do have a huge testosterone surge aged 4-5. And it all coincodes with starting school, making new friends and starting to become an independant person in their own right.

I've lived through it once, and will go through it again in a few years.

Chin up x

deemented Sun 04-Sep-11 19:42:00

*coincides even.

sunshineandshowers Sun 04-Sep-11 19:51:12

Thanks x

I do keep (trying) to bear in mind about staring School (10 days). He doesn't really know that many people going, but is v excited about it. BUT, it must be a bit worrying for him.

BloodStainedHeart Sun 04-Sep-11 20:00:59

So glad to have read this. I have just had the most horrendous evening with my 4 yr old ds. I ended up really shouting which until this past week has been something I have rarely done. Anyway, long story short it ended with us both in tears and ds saying he wished he could 'go to charity', I don't want to be your boy anymore' sad. I feel terrible but my God I have had enough of his snapping, bad attitude and genral gumpiness. I know he is growing up and I am currently 24 weeks pregnant which I know is probably freaking him out a bit too. Just so worn out by him lately. He doesn't seem to be able to do anything without arguing and having attitude, being downright rude sometimes, even to other family members. Just so sad I made him feel sad too.

fishandlilacs Sun 04-Sep-11 20:02:51

It's not just boys-my dd has just turned 4 and she is exactly as you describe. It's tiring and frustrating and yes sometimes you lose it-it's ok for them to see the human side of you too. They need to learn thier behaviour has an emotional context as well as just an attention one.

we totally ignore dd when she kicks off, i have just myself in the bedroom before now when she has been having a paddy. She can keep it up for 45 mins at a time and we just sit it out-trying to do anything with her before she starts to calm down just escalates it. I'll tell you what though, since we started to do that every little thing she has kicked off about has never been a problem since. Examples are coming to the table at dinner, tidy up time and like you getting out of the bath or hair washing.

NorksAreMessy Sun 04-Sep-11 20:10:37

OH YOU POOR THING!
hooray for your DH arriving on white horse with chocolate (hmmm, white chocolate horse....mmmmmm)

remember the MN mantra 'this too shall pass'

my DS is 14 and I remember that stage very well. in fact I look back on it almost fondly as at least he intracted with me in some way smile

testosterone, 4 year old, it goes with he territory

HoHoLaughingMonster Sun 04-Sep-11 20:18:36

I have a 4 year old DD who is a bit like this sometimes.

Today she has been awful - whiney, demanding, rude, shouty and a royal pain the butt.

But despite all this she is still 100 times nicer than she was when she was 2, so I just remind myself of this whenever I feel the rage grin

sunshineandshowers Sun 04-Sep-11 20:41:19

Bloodstainedheart I feel for you. They push you and push you and push you.

Take comfort in something I read on one of the other 4yo threads tonight..."it's indicative of a secure attachment. he knows he can (badly behave) with you as you'll always love him and be there for him unconditionally."

DS has been asleep now for a bit so I feel recovered (choc and Matt Damon movie helped - altho don't really understand it - too much mnet)

Will really try to do more ignoring. Tis hard, but it does work. Why are all the things that work really hard???

<Can't even bear to think about teenage years, I do think if he hits doors at 4, at 14 what will he be like?>

Sunshine...
teens are just the same but bigger!

Really grin They are as vulnerable as toddlers in big hairy smelly bodies.... and they need the same mix of affection but firm guidelines that 4 yr olds do. They are fab... ( I have 4 teens and some have been more hideous than others!)

Oh but they do turn your hair grey..grin

sunshineandshowers Mon 05-Sep-11 11:18:00

grey! I have grey already. Disaster.

We are having a better day today, so far! I have done a bit more ignoring and when his shouting his for happy reasons (he is excited) I am joining in. He is 4 afterall, I gave birth to a child, not a library.

ragged Mon 05-Sep-11 11:20:51

When you need him to do something get down eye-to-eye (very calmly) and get him to repeat back to you what you've asked him to do. Maybe repeat it a few times. Do not lose eye contact until he starts to do it. Works with a lot of them.

MockingbirdsNotForSale Mon 05-Sep-11 13:21:38

I have nothing constructive to say I don't have a 4 year old yet...but I lol'd at hooray when your dH came back with chocolate and I have decided that that would be a great coping strategy for the future! grin.

NestaFiesta Mon 05-Sep-11 23:38:03

Op:

You are normal
You are not alone
Keep going!

When my DS was 4 I thought I was the worst mother in world. Then I read "Raising Boys" and the testosterone surge is correct. Now DS is 5 he is a teeny bit calmer and we see less of the crazy tiger and more of the cuddly cub. You are doing all the right things. Sometimes losing it shows them that they have crossed the line. It's good- they NEED boundaries.

CrushedWithEyeliner Mon 05-Sep-11 23:41:21

Love "I gave birth to a child, not a library"
grin

sunshineandshowers Tue 06-Sep-11 12:44:04

Things are OK today as well. Sometimes a really bad day can make me look at what I am doing overall. I have done loads more ignoring. You can physically see his little confused face out the corner of your eye when I don't respond to some insane scream. I am still naughty stepping all aggressive behaviour (mainly throwing), but am trying to ignore the rest. Lots of praise. Carefully choosing my battles, I can't win em all.

I have read Steven Bidulp, but not for about a year. I wasn't sure about the testosterone thing or not. I will have to dig it out. I suppose in days gone by they'd be going out a hunting now for the first time. Maybe I'll take him to the zoo more.

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