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help my 18 m.o boy wont listen to me :(

(20 Posts)
booboo2010 Wed 24-Aug-11 14:00:59

everything that i say no to he continues to do i tell him off witha stern voice the raise it a little the i move him away and tell him off i put him in the naughty corner nothing works it goes around in circles for hours what do i do now sad

Jenn1982 Wed 24-Aug-11 23:06:14

I've found with dd that saying no, and explaining why, ie dangerous, something might break etc in a stern but quiet tone, and taking myself to her level, or bringing her to mine so that we're facing each other actually works quite well, even though dd doesn't necessarily understand what I'm saying.
If I raise my voice, it just upsets dd. Sometimes she does things that she knows are naughty to get my attention, which is frustrating, but she's only 14 months, and can't talk yet. Luckily she knows some basic sign language.
But, keeping your cool and talking not shouting may help. I also give dd choices, eg, would you like to sit on the chair nicely, or get down and sit on the floor? That one's a bit hit and miss, and I'm hoping that as dd's communication skills improve it will become easier.
P.S. I was told the naughty corner wasn't supposed to be used until 2yrs??? My source may be unreliable

DrPolidori Wed 24-Aug-11 23:21:52

oh please, he is !8 mths old! he has the memory of a gnat! You are really expecting too much of him, time out is not appropriate at this age. Get a grip! Distract distract distract at this age. They can't even recognise themselves in a mirror at this age, let alone take on board right and wrong....

Dorje Wed 24-Aug-11 23:35:50

Make him laugh and chill out.
He's an equal member of your family now, not a dog.
He sounds curious and eager. It's your job to get the most out of him and to encourage these essential qualities.

Distract him if he's doing something you don't want him to do. Take him to the park - do you stay inside all day? Do you have cabin fever? Does he get to play with any other children? Do you practice sharing, taking turns, swapping things with him as a game?

Maybe you need a parenting course - you can't punish an 18 month old in any meaningful way. The fact that you've punished him already shock with naughty steps and stern loud voice rings alarm bells for me that you are on the wrong road with him.

If there are no parenting courses available, ask someone who is kind and patient and good humoured to look after him and watch how they do it and apply the knowledge.

acatcalledfelix Wed 24-Aug-11 23:56:43

I sympathise as it's really frustrating, my DS is 22 months and into everything and at times I've raised my voice just out of frustration. But, I know full well it doesn't work and that distraction is the key. If he does something that is dangerous / could hurt him or others I always explain why he needs to stop too but don't in anyway think he's taking it in yet. 18mo is way too young for time out / naughty step measures, for these to work they need to have a much higher level of understanding than they actually have at this age.

So, just think distraction, and is what you are stopping him from doing worth the agravation / possible tantrum.

acatcalledfelix Wed 24-Aug-11 23:57:45

And Dorje that's a little harsh I think!

BeeMyBaby Thu 25-Aug-11 07:54:21

I usually just tell my DD not too and if she doesn't respond I taker her away from the scene of the crime, if she continues to be 'naughty' (usually by dropping the dog food in the water bowl) then I make sure she is not hungry or tired. I think often at this age if they are refusing to listen to instruction its because they need something, or at least that is the case with my DD (18 mo).

BertieBotts Thu 25-Aug-11 09:02:57

Wow some posters have been quick to judge this morning hmm OP is asking for advice, not saying the way she is doing things now is perfect!

OP, I would say that it's too young for anything like the naughty corner. Remember he is just learning how the world works and curiosity is a natural part of that. He isn't necessarily going to know what no means either if you have just been saying it without backing it up with an action. By that I mean you remove a thing from his hand while saying no or move him or stop him from touching while saying the word. You can't really use it on its own until he really knows what it means or he will just start to hear it as meaningless noise.

Distraction is good as others have said, as is moving or blocking access to things you really don't want him to have, and being less worried about other things. He'll soon get bored of pulling all the dvds down! Another thing that helped with DS at this age (and actually still works now) is showing him an alternative. Eg I don't want him posting things out of the letterbox, but he can play with a shape sorter.

Jenn1982 Fri 26-Aug-11 15:39:31

@DrPolidori. Don't tar all kids with the same brush. My DD has been able to recognise herself in the mirror and pictures since around 10 months!!!

ninjasquirrel Fri 26-Aug-11 15:47:23

I'd say physically remove him from things, put as much as you can out of reach, distract, and save the stern voice for behaviour you really really don't want, like if he ever hits or bites. Try suggesting alternatives - DS would never respond to 'no, don't play with that' at that age, but if I said 'put it back' or 'give it to Daddy' he'd do it and look very pleased with himself.

DrPolidori Fri 26-Aug-11 20:07:34

t some point or another many parents have placed their infant in front of a mirror and wondered if their child could understand that it was their own reflection they were seeing. Based on the infant's reaction, most parents realize pretty quickly that their baby doesn't really understand that it is themselves in the mirror. This raises the question of when do babies and young children begin to develop a sense of self? Child psychologists have used this mirror test in a creative way to help uncover the answer to this question.

In a classic psychological experiment in the 1970s, researchers took a group of children ages 6 to 24 months and placed a spot of lipstick on their noses. They then placed the children in front of a mirror to see how they responded. Here's what they found:

- Young infants (age 6-12 months) seem to think the baby in the mirror is another baby. They smile and approach the baby in a friendly way.

- Older babies (age 13-24 months) respond with a little more hesitation at this point. Researchers aren't sure if the children know that the reflection is themselves or whether they still think it is another child.

- Toddlers (age 20-24 months) seem to clearly recognize that the reflection in the mirror is their own. The clear sign of this is that while looking in the mirror, they touch the dot of lipstick on their own nose instead of touching the mirror.

Of course, the results of this mirror test are not clear cut. Just because a toddler recognizes themselves in the mirror doesn't necessarily mean they have a mental concept of themselves. It may simply mean that by this age they have enough visual maturity to distinguish themselves in the mirror. Other, more complex studies would have to be conducted to determine when the mental concept of the self emerges.
Interestingly, animal studies have shown that some of the more intelligent mammals such as elephants, dolphins, and chimpanzees also recognize themselves in the mirror. Does this mean that these animals have a mental concept of "the self?" Who knows? It seems unlikely but maybe so. All these animals have fairly complex social systems so maybe they do have a concept of self.

lingle Fri 26-Aug-11 20:43:56

It's really really rude to say "get a grip" and he's "not a dog".

Iggly Fri 26-Aug-11 20:49:55

He's only little so telling off doesn't really work. He's very impulsive and it's impossible for kids to overcome it at that age.

He's not really being naughty deliberately.

Try keeping things you dont want him to do out of reach. Show him how he should do things - teach (by showing) things like gently, slowly, carefully, stop etc. He'll want to do what you do - he learns by doing more than by being told.

DS is 23 months so know how hard it is but he's understanding more. Saying no all the time doesn't work on him!

sprinkles77 Fri 26-Aug-11 21:06:44

Same problem here. I get the impression that boys are more prone to this than girls, though I'm sure that's not always the case.

I have done some serious baby proofing to avoid the situation in the first place. When DS does something he shouldn't, firstly I think does it matter that much? Realising when it doesn't makes life so much less stressful. If it does matter I remove him and give him something else to do. He's mostly stopped the really annoying stuff (fiddling with the cat flap till it broke, emptying kitchen utensils all over the floor) as I stopped reacting and offered him an alternative.

I still tell him "no, that's not for you, this is for you", just not shouting expecting him to stop just because I want him to. Very often he finds a loud telling off funny which then makes me laugh and makes him do the wrong thing even more keenly.

AngelDog Fri 26-Aug-11 23:23:38

Tell him what you do want him to do rather than what you don't. e.g. I say 'keep your feet on the floor' rather than 'don't climb on the table'. Use as short sentences / few words as possible.

Offering alternatives has worked really well for us too.

tigerlillyd02 Sat 27-Aug-11 10:05:52

Explaining to your little one that something is wrong and telling them what the correct way is goes a long way in my opinion. As well as increasing their own use of language, it makes them feel valued that you're taking the time to talk to them. It's all extra attention. And, the younger, the better! You can't just completely ignore and distract such behaviours and then all of a sudden when you think they're old enough, decide to start punishing such things. It needs to be made clear right from the word go.

That said, my ds is now 21 months and after a tough period of dealing with less desirable behaviour at around 12-14 months, he is now very well behaved. I always talked to him about why he couldn't do something and the reasons such as "you must not tip your juice all over the sofa as it will be wet and mummy won't be able to sit down". Once I was confident he knew the behaviour was wrong and why, then I used time out etc (well his bedroom was his time out area). This has been used for quite some time now so I don't think your child is too young at all, as some have suggested here.

However, my ds is functioning at around 2.5 yrs so this could be why he has such an understanding and may not be the case with all children of the same age.

No matter what the age though, I would definitely be saying no, explain why. Encourage them to interact. Only once you're 100% confident that he knows what he's doing is wrong should you then start using any discipline methods.

Iggly Sat 27-Aug-11 12:04:22

tiger what do mean and how do you know he's functioning at 2.5 years? If I try and give a lengthy explanation to DS, he switches off. I can tell him not to touch the oven because it's hot - that's enough for him. I don't think he'd understand "it's hot, you'll burn yourself and it would hurt" and putting him in time out for not listening would IMO be madness.

Iggly Sat 27-Aug-11 12:05:32

Also using his bedroom for time out - that teaches him that his bedroom is a punishment area, surely? I never understand that.

Sorry for my manner, am just a bit hmm

HumphreyCobbler Sat 27-Aug-11 12:08:32

some children do respond to no - mine were not among this catagory grin. I think he is too young for the naughty step. Just distract and remove and eventually he will get there. His failure to do as he is told is NOT a reflection on your parenting but rather the result of his being only 18 months old.

Dorje Sun 28-Aug-11 01:00:36

Well I don't mean to be harsh - a parenting course isn't just for junkies / winos and run by SS ya know.... a lot of people go on them, because they realise that they have come to a fork in the road and don't know how to parent from that point.

I still maintain a baby is not like a dog... shouting at him "get down" or "no" or whatever is just totally unacceptable. It's disgustingly rude and disrespectful to shout at a baby.

A baby is a blessing. Your Ds is still a baby at 18 months OP. Cherish him. Make sure he's not thirsty and bring him out to the park more?

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