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Behaviours to encourage at 'this' or 'that' age. DD 22 months, need to work on some things

(25 Posts)
cottonreels Tue 23-Aug-11 14:49:23

I used to be a primary teacher, now SAHM, and realised today that whilst I used to do lesson plans and have objectives coming out of my ears, I now pretty much get up and deal with the day as it comes.
Now this would be fine, except that dd (22 months) is acting a little spoilt at times. Actually, not sure 'spoilt' is the right word, but I'd like to make a few changes.
Eg. She finds it REALLY hard to share. Decided to approach it like a lesson plan. Think of what I want to change and how Im going to do it. So in this example: try to practise sharing with dolly.

I'd like to come up with a list of things proactively and practise dealing with them through play, rather that get a few weeks/months into a problem and then try to 'fix' it.

Does anyone know anywhere on the net where it spells out what kinds of difficulties there might be at certain age bands?

Can anyone share with me what their 2 year old or nearly two year old has challenges with?

sheeplikessleep Tue 23-Aug-11 14:52:28

Toddlers take ages to learn how to share, they are very self interested and to share is a 'skill' that takes time. They live in their own bubble of interest and like things immediately.

Toddler Taming is a good book and might reassure you that your dd is totally totally normal!

CombineArvester Tue 23-Aug-11 14:56:38

It might be worth looking up some sort of developmental milestone things, you might be beating your head against a brick wall otherwise.

E.g. Sharing is an alien concept to a 22 month old, most are not ready to understand the idea, everything they have ever touched and may ever want to touch belongs to them. So you may want to try taking things in turn, e.g with an egg timer giving them 3 mins on each toy then they have to swop.

I think its more helpful to be really laid back rather than proactive at this age, their understanding and abilities will mostly develop on their own as long and they change so quickly, as long as you act to show them to some extent what behaviour you want from them and what behaviour you don't.

naturalbaby Tue 23-Aug-11 14:59:17

the only reason my 2yr old shares fairly well is cause he's got a 3yr old big brother and is always asking to share his toys. he still deliberately grabs, holds the toy out the way, pouts, thinks about it then gives it back just for the reaction of upsetting big brother! i've done a lot of explaining to big brother about how my 2yr old can't help it, he has to ask nicely blah blah blah and they work really hard at it but the situation comes up dozens of times every single day and it's been like this since ds2 started crawling at 7months!

the thing that's helped them most is to be over the top silly about it and mess about to prove my point - i pretend to be the spoilt kid who won't share and they get a bit upset when i grab and hide their toy, then i explain to them what to do and we make a big show of being nice again then playing together.

i get what you're saying from a teaching point of view. i have a toddler sense book which is really, really good.

cottonreels Tue 23-Aug-11 20:42:42

Thanks - I have the toddler taming book so Ill dig it out again.
Ive also googles toddler milestones and come up with some things to work on eg 'helping' around the house, following 2 step instructions.
I think Id like to make a list of rules too as Im not sure Im entirely consistent. Eg, I normally like to leave any toys from the car in the car so I dont have to resort them later, but today she wanted to bring a toy from the car into the house. I let her as I couldnt be bothered with the potential tantrum that might ensue. But thats wrong isnt it? Do I need to 'firm up' and decide what Im happy with and what Im not and then act on that every time? But what about that old 'pick your battles' [sinks head in hands and wails I dont know how to do it!]

VaginaPuddleduck Tue 23-Aug-11 20:47:53

They learn sharing by being around other children, IME.

If you want to professionalise spending time with your DD in this way then I guess I would be looking at increasing the amount of time she spends with other children, rather than by trying to 'teach' these skills in an abstract way yourself.

My 3 year old has a group of three friends who have known each other since birth. They all have different issues/things the need to work on. E.g. to summarise a few 'issues' - my DD is a whiner but she doesn't hit or run away. Her other friends don't really whine but one hits and the other one is always trying to leg it.

I can't understand trying to 'anticipate' and deal with issues which may never, ever arise.

I ask this in as nice a way as possibly - are you a bit bored being a SAHM?

VaginaPuddleduck Tue 23-Aug-11 20:49:16

What is the actual issue with her bringing in a toy from the car btw? What do you mean you don't want to resort to them later?

nomorelostweekends Tue 23-Aug-11 21:04:10

I am assuming DD doesn't have any SN? Then you really, really don't need to 'work' on these type of things. Love her, play with her (how she wants to), talk to her, model a variety of positive relationships, give her social opportunities appropriate to her age and she will thrive. Promise smile

tethersend Tue 23-Aug-11 21:06:05

EYFS grid may help Something similare from Ealing here

FWIW, I'm a teacher too and have had to throw tried and tested behavioural strategies out of the window when dealing with my own toddler grin

Also, have a look at schema. I found this very interesting, as it explained to me that DD was not being willful, she was doing what she needed to do in order to develop.

You have to let the toys in the car/house stuff go. You cannot run your home like a classroom- I speak from experience here! Consistency is very important, but not at the expense of everything else. Besides, I think children need to know that adults are sometimes inconsistent and throw them a curve ball sometimes.

WRT sharing- it could be that your DD is not ready to share, as she hasn't fully grasped the concept of ownership yet, and needs to reach that stage first IYSWIM? Time will pass and she will learn to share. You need to relax grin

tethersend Tue 23-Aug-11 21:06:50


cottonreels Tue 23-Aug-11 21:22:46

We do go to toddler groups (normally 2 or 3 times a week) and we have toddler friends we have play dates with. Its just that Im conscious (probably a bit embarrassed) that she grabs toys she doesnt even want to play with so other children can't have them.
Maybe you're right though - I should take notice of what other mums are struggling with and see that we all just have different issues.
What is the actual issue with her bringing in a toy from the car btw? What do you mean you don't want to resort to them later?
Sorry - I meant re-sort. Some toys are just more appropriate for staying in the car (wont fall off her knee, or not too noisy that I can't concentrate)
Im in two minds a bit myself. Maybe I should just let her take whatever toy she wants to wherever she wants. BUT: the one thing I dont like about being a SAHM is the way Im moving 'stuff' about the house all day long. Tidying up (adult as well as chidrens stuff) seems to be a constant chore.

cottonreels Tue 23-Aug-11 21:26:52

VPD - I love being a SAHM. I was recently criticised by my parents who said (in an accusing manner) that my dd was spoilt. Its really knocked my confidence and Im trying to look at her objectively, to see why they think that. I must admit I found their comments very hurtful.

tethersend Tue 23-Aug-11 21:29:02

My dad says that. I think a lot of parents say that. Ignore. Or you will go mad.

Objectively, it's pretty difficult to 'spoil' a 22mo child I reckon.

cottonreels Tue 23-Aug-11 21:29:41

Thethersend - thanks, Id forgotten about the schemas They're really good.

tethersend Tue 23-Aug-11 21:33:22

Also, have you read any attachment theory stuff? John Bowlby is an interesting read.

cottonreels Tue 23-Aug-11 21:33:34

Thanks Thether - you are making me feel better smile

tethersend Tue 23-Aug-11 21:37:51


Besom Tue 23-Aug-11 21:46:23

It's totally normal for a 22 mo to grab toys and hold onto them for dear life. My dd is only just getting the concept of sharing at 3.5 and it is still very selective about what she does and doesn't want to share.

I'd recommend the Playful Parenting book actually. I'm reading it at the moment and it's quite interesting about helping them to explore situations and emotions through playing with them.

Oh yes, and ignore your parents.

cottonreels Tue 23-Aug-11 21:57:44

Tether Id forgotten about Bowlby too. DD is most definately securely attatched. Nice to know thats something I've got right grin

Besom - I have that book too (just need to find time to read them!)

[repeats after self, ignore, ignore, ignore]

VaginaPuddleduck Tue 23-Aug-11 22:04:44

Good, it's great you enjoy being a SAHM. I am one too, I find it boring sometimes and when I was at work I was a very methodical, structured person. But I found trying to be like that at home just stressed me out.

If you can, try to go with the flow as much as possible. Best way to achieve this is to have another baby grin then there's no time to worry about this stuff.

Re: being spoilt. That sounds quite hurtful actually - I'd look at that as a reflection on your parents, not as one on you.

cottonreels Tue 23-Aug-11 22:32:18

Thanks VPD and everyone. Ive settled down to read toddler taming and located my problem in the first few pages., Green tals about how easy it is to get your confidence knocked then questioning that youre doing it all wrong.
Re-reading my op has just made me laugh at myself - I sound like a loon! Its full of angst and woory and basically stinks of lack of confidence. Another thing Green identifies is that comparing children leads to a lack of confidence. I seem to be guilty of that one too.
I think you al speak a lot of sense - thankyou

VaginaPuddleduck Wed 24-Aug-11 08:14:31

I've got that book to, I loved it.

The best thing he said, IMO, is that most parents score 9/10 for their parenting, they just don't realise it.

You sound like you are doing great sad

VaginaPuddleduck Wed 24-Aug-11 08:15:00

Not sad! I meant smile! Sorry!

<back to typing class for me>

cottonreels Wed 24-Aug-11 10:04:57

Thanks saw that 9/10 thing too. When I stop and think about it i KNOW i could have done no more for dd --Im actually quite proud of some of the things Ive 'suffered' in order to give her the very best. Need to give myself a stern talking to. Things are great, dd is much loved and happy, life is going really well - so enjoy it and stop looking for problems!!!
Thanks so much for pointing me in the right direction x

pozzled Wed 24-Aug-11 10:26:26

Glad to hear that you're feeling a bit better. When I read the OP I wanted to tell you -in the nicest possible way- to chill out a bit. I'm a primary school teacher too, and I think it's lovely that we don't have to be so organised and objective driven with our own kids. They all develop in their own time and I personally think it's better to follow their leads and their interests, rather than having learning intentions in mind. And also they need to see that learning about the world is fun and exciting, so talking about the things that interest you and having lots of real life experiences are key.

Definitely check out the EYFS development information here It's an archived website, I think due to the change in government since it was published, but it's very good at showing roughly when children should be acquiring skills. Try exploring the different areas, you'll probably be surprised at how much your DD already does.

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