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Tom boy daughter aged 4

(19 Posts)
WinkyWinkola Fri 19-Aug-11 14:01:59

My dd has refused to wear anything at all she comstrued as girly since she was two and a half. She wears her brother's cast offs only. She's now 4.

She says she wants a willy and "really hates being a girl". If I put her in a vaguely female looking item of clothing, she goes bananas like a vampire in sunlight!

Is this something I need to learn more about or is or very common for kids to be so particular about what they wear and opposite their gender?

What's the best way to handle it? Occasionally we have weddings and posh dos to attend and I dread them because I know my dd will go ballistic.

AuntieMonica Fri 19-Aug-11 14:03:11

why can't she wear what she wants?

WinkyWinkola Fri 19-Aug-11 14:04:09

She absolutely can wear what she wants. That's not my question.

WibblyBibble Fri 19-Aug-11 14:05:27

Get her a shirt with a collar, smart trousers and a little waistcoat type thing for weddings/posh dos, and let her get on with it. It's perfectly common for kids to pick up on things you are emotionally involved in wanting them to do and be contrary about it, which is what this sounds like.

Fennel Fri 19-Aug-11 14:08:10

?? I am not sure why this is a problem. one of my 3 dds has always been like that, and a second one has also developed a dislike of all things pink and girly.

I don't see it as a problem at all, I like my feisty independent scruffy girls. I insist they are clean and their clothes aren't dirty or torn for smarter occasions, i insist on occasional washing and hairbrushing, and besides that it's up to them.

AuntieMonica Fri 19-Aug-11 14:08:25

Is this something I need to learn more about or is or very common for kids to be so particular about what they wear and opposite their gender?

OK, it's common for kids to kick against what an adult will insist on. This can be clothing/food/behaviour.

The best way to handle it? Only you can answer that, what's best for you and your family

activate Fri 19-Aug-11 14:09:14

sounds like my girl tbh (youngest with 3 elder brothers) - screamed and kicked at 18 months about dresses - wears nothing but trousers (doesn't matter what colour) - hangs around with boys exclusively and won't be seen with a girl at school

then got to year 2 and suddenly dresses galore

do not sweat it

it does not matter

(my mates daughter was similar up until Year 8 secondary too)

put her in smart trousers for weddings

WinkyWinkola Fri 19-Aug-11 14:11:08

I think it's more her saying she hates being a girl and wants a willy that makes me wonder how best to respond and deal with it all.

Tigresswoods Fri 19-Aug-11 14:12:19

Ooh I was very similar to this growing up. I have always wondered why and have no answer. As a child I really did want to be a boy and dressed in boys clothes. Anyway one day when I was 12 I just snapped out of it and realised it was ok to be a girl.

All I can advise is that you let your daughter be herself & if there is a do like a wedding let her wear something she likes. It's a shame there's not more stuff that's a bit more neutral but I'm sure you could be creative with a girlyish trouser suit?

I remember having the feeling that boys were cool & girls were weak & I didn't want to be weak. I can only think I had a lot of males friends when v young (true) and I sort of wanted to be like them.

It's tough being different so I hope you can support your DD & that she gets on ok.

As an aside I am not typically girly now but do wear dresses, skirts etc. Im married and certainly wouldn't want to be anything other than a woman now grin

Good luck.

AMumInScotland Fri 19-Aug-11 14:15:29

At 4 it's very common for children to be like this about gender. The best thing is just not to make a big deal about it, and it'll either blow over or not. Once she gets older, she may be better able to explain what she dislikes about being a girl / wearing girls clothes, if it is still something which is an important issue for her at that stage.

If she goes ballistic when you try to put her into feminine clothing, save your money and don't buy any. Same with posh events - she can look smart in trousers and a shirt if that's what she wants.

RamblingRosa Fri 19-Aug-11 14:24:34

I'd just go with it. Let her wear what she wants. My DD is that age and often is in fairly gender neutral clothes (eg. jeans and a plain t shirt). I'd rather that than nylon princess dresses personally smile

Re. her saying she doesn't want to be a girl, I'd try to talk to her about why she feels that way. What doesn't she like about being a girl? Why does she think boys have it better? Try to reassure her that being a girl/woman is great and we can do all the things boys can do. Make sure she sees lots of positive role models of women and girls doing cool stuff in case she's got the impression that only boys get to climb trees, become prime minister etc...

Try not to worry.

RamblingRosa Fri 19-Aug-11 14:25:06

And check out Brangelina's little girl (can't remember her name) for an example of a super cute little girl who insists on dressing like a boy.

HyenaInPetticoats Fri 19-Aug-11 14:25:21

I think I see what you're worrying about. My ds used to want to be a girl. The cross-dressing was fine by me and I absolutely supported all questioning of gender roles, but the self-hating note of disliking being a boy worried me. I talked to dh, who prefers female company and is very ambivalent about masculinity, about modelling positive masculinity, and tried to find books with intelligent and sensitive male protagonists. He outgrew it, which probably had nothing to do with my responses, and now at 10 he seems happy in his gentle, thoughtful self and in his body. I'd try not to worry unless it goes on for more than a few months, and maybe try to make it seem that gender is a small part of identity (which, at 4, it is). I think this might come from a sense that you have to be a boy to do things she likes, so if you can show her that gender is irrelevant to activities, she might have less invested in rejecting femininity.

fluffles Fri 19-Aug-11 14:27:56

i'd let her dress how she likes, but i'd also gently question why she wants to be a boy... there's nothing at all that a boy can do that she can't (and very little a man can do that woman can't)

if i were you i'd big up the good female role models - astronauts, sports women, explorers... but totally lay off the 'girly' clothes as they're really not necessary.

WinkyWinkola Fri 19-Aug-11 14:30:56

I do worry she's miserable that she's a girl and her rejection of all things girly is a manifestation of that. I don't really care what she wears as long as it's not an expressiOn of her unhappiness.

Tigresswoods Fri 19-Aug-11 14:37:47

I wasn't unhappy. I think because I was allowed to be me. My parents never insisted I dress like a girl (except maybe for swimming but my mum got me a blue pop-eye costume) and I was never made to feel weird.

Go with it and like others say, show her some good positive female role models & buy her clothes she like but won't make her stand out too much.

I recall when I went to junior school and my mum was worried I wouldn't want to wear the uniform as it was a skirt. I did tho, probably through fear of not fitting in and being teased. I didn't have the princess locket shoes like my girly friends, I had dennis the menace! You can do this. grin

RamblingRosa Sun 21-Aug-11 20:07:54

And do try to find out what exactly it is about being a girl she doesn't like. It might be something really silly she's got in her head that you can easily set her straight on. Eg. like I said earlier, maybe she thinks girls aren't allowed to climb trees or play football or something. If you can reassure her that she can wear what she wants and do all the fun stuff that boys can do, that might help?

Sharney Sun 21-Aug-11 20:27:13

With no education or even experience on the issue I'd say it was a phase. Don't make a big deal out of it. As far as dress-up do's, why not let her wear a tux style outfit. And btw, I've been wishing dd was a bit more tom-boy as the hair stuff and the dancing and the every effing piece of clothing had to be effing pink is driving me mad. I'm guessing the grass aint always greener. grin

fivegomadindorset Sun 21-Aug-11 20:32:52

My DD is exactly like this, I would prefer to discuss offboard but desperatley trying to find someone who is going through this and fed up with being told it is a phase, after nearly 4 years of this, struggling to see it as a phase. PM me.

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