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Only children

(21 Posts)
burtie2u Wed 10-Aug-11 13:49:56

Hi there, Our DS will be 3 in November and out of the blue yesterday asked for a sister!!! No idea where that came from!
The thing is we wanted a child so much and had to go through a lot to have him I have always felt very privileged and lucky to have him and have never thought of having another, as I didn't want to push my luck grin
But I worry that he will miss out with not having any siblings; he's a VERY confident and very friendly child, I have friends who were only children and they said they loved it, but I still feel a little guilty and torn.
So what are the pros and cons of having only one?

GhoulLasher Wed 10-Aug-11 18:18:30

There's a positive and negative to both....as there is to all situations. Did you struggle with fertility if you don't mind me asking? Is that why you don't think you want another? Or are you changing your mind?

I always knew i wanted at least 2. Mainy because I thought of the long summer hols with no sibling...and also because I love having babies! I wanted them to be able to support one another in the future as adults...my siblings are importabnt to me...and the thought of both me and DH dying when we're old...and leaving one child behind, really disturbed me.

I hope I am not upsetting you...just being honest about why I wanted more than one.

Positives include the fact that they get more one to one attention and there is more money to spend....a child with no siblings is apparently often a popular child...this was discovered after research. They are also often high achievers.

It's up to you...

PaigeTurner Wed 10-Aug-11 18:44:43

I am an only and only want one DC (my son). I was very imaginative as a child, self-sufficient, good at making friends (as had no sibling fallback), had sole attention etc etc. As an adult I have felt it's just me and my mum a lot of the time, especially when times are hard, but that's not exactly a hardship.

Christmas is also pretty boring with just me and mum but that might just be our family as we don't get together much!

I really didn't miss a brother or sister. That's my 2p's worth if it helps...

whitsun Thu 11-Aug-11 05:12:49

I only plan to have the one. Frankly, I'm never going to be a high powered executive and neither is DP - I have always been very risk averse and having a second child will be risky for us. I feel that the 'pro' is we can give all of our love and attention to our DS and each other without worry intervening. Also, my DP is one of nine kids so he knows all about the cons of being one among many!

kittensliveupstairs Thu 11-Aug-11 07:20:53

Happy mum to a happy singleton here. We did have fertility propblems, or at least I did. DD was a delightful surprise but I loathed being pregnant more than I've ever hated anything or anyone.
DD did have a phase of wanting a sibling, in fact me and DH went quite a long way down the adoption route - we were living in Thailand at the time, before we decided that we only really wanted one.
DD is 10 now and hates the idea of having a sibling. She often asks me if I am pregnant (just really fat) and, I don't think, would cope well if the answer was yes.
She is confident, polite and happy and for us, it is the right choice.

CheerfulYank Thu 11-Aug-11 07:24:54

I just have one at the moment. DS is 4. We plan to have more, but when/if we do part of me will be sad to not just have our little family of three anymore, I have to say.

Everyone comments on how bright and articulate DS is (sounds like bragging, sorry blush ) but I've just really had a lot of time to spend reading to him, explaining things, etc. (Plus he's just a really curious little guy)

Mishy1234 Thu 11-Aug-11 08:32:12

We were in a similar situation after having DS1 (now 3) as it took over 8 years of ttc and IVF to have him.

We thought there was a good chance we had run out of time to have another (I was 38 when DS1 was born), but thought we'd give it a go anyway. DS2 followed surprisingly quickly with no intervention!

We really had thought quite carefully about having just one child vs 2 or more and tbh there are advantages to both. Now we can't imagine not having 2, but I don't think DS1 would have been disadvantaged if we didn't.

CMOTdibbler Thu 11-Aug-11 08:40:17

If he'd asked for a pony yesterday, would you be worrying about damaging him by not giving him one ? Cos to a 2 yr old, its pretty much the same thing - its not a need for a sib, its something other people have and at that moment it seems appealing.

FWIW, my ds is an only and has a number of friends who are onlies. THey aren't lonely, and all seem v good at making friends. Long holidays aren't a problem as all the parents of onlies I know work, so use playschemes.

I have one sib who I have never been close to, and who is no help at all with our elderly parents, so I don't go for that arguement

burtie2u Thu 11-Aug-11 08:49:13

Thank you all,
GhoulLasher; we had 3 years of fertility and luckily on the second IUI it worked, I have PCOS. But since having DS it has increased the chance of conceiving naturally.

Most of the time I just want DS and love the fact he has one to one, but it's just I have a brother and so does my DH, sometimes I think DS might be missing out. DS starts pre-school in September so I think he will hopefully have loads of new friends to take his mind of a sister.
I think I will just stay on the pill and leave it for a while, but time is ticking as I'm 28 this year sad

Pootles2010 Thu 11-Aug-11 08:50:27

We only have one, and will (hopefully) only ever have one! For various reasons - money, I think we'll be able to give him much more if we just have the one, and to be honest I think it makes life easier.

I don't think he'll be disadvantaged by it all all. Also, I found childbirth really truly awful and never want to do that again, ditto newborn stage.

Having said that, we've discussed dp having the snip, and haven't done it - oh and ds's clothes are still in the loft. I don't want another, but equally I don't want to say never, if that makes any sense? I'm still only 27, so I guess could be change my mind in 10 years time or so.

plipplops Thu 11-Aug-11 09:15:06

I'm one of 3 and always wanted more than one, DDs are 16 months apart and I think it's nice for them now to be able to play together (they're just 4 and nearly 3). But I think they're lucky they get on so well, it def makes it easier as if we go to the park (or wherever) they mostly amuse each other. But if you had 2 that didn't get on (which I think with a bigger gap is more likely, and if they're different genders, esp as they grow up) it would potentially be much harder. My mum and DH both has siblings about 5 years older of the opposite sex, and didn't really have anything in common at all until they were well into their 20s...Good luck whatever you decide.

GhoulLasher Thu 11-Aug-11 11:40:25

I think it sounds like you just don't know yet and that's fine...28 isn't old. I had my first at 31 and second at 35. my friend has fertility issues and didn't even try till she was 34....you might just land up pregnant ...or not and both are fine. As long as your DS has love which he obviously does...he'll be great!

ConstantCraving Thu 11-Aug-11 13:00:02

I have 2 - but 20 years apart so in reality they may as well be only children in terms of growing up (yes, i do have fertility problems). However, DS (23yrs) is sociable, outgoing, well-adjusted and never felt he missed out as a child being an only. He did also suggest having a brother when he was 3 or 4 - but as someone has already said he could equally have been suggesting we get him a pony! I am one of three and we fought like cat and dog when small and aren't particularly close now. My best friend, however, from age 11 years is closer to me than a sister and cares for DD 3 days a week while i'm at work. Friends can be more important than family and be there through thick and thin - blood ties really don't always guarantee happily ever after.

IslaValargeone Thu 11-Aug-11 13:09:33

I have one, and like kittens loathed every minute of pregnancy. My dc is 9 and would probably have a nervous breakdown at the thought of having a sibling grin
It's nice knowing we can give her more financially, not that she is spoilt or that we are by any stretch rich. She has lots of our time and attention and the three of us are a team. I know it's a long way off yet, but when she grows up, we know that if for example she ends up in Australia, we can follow her without leaving behind other kids. I love the tightness of our unit.

clippityclop Thu 11-Aug-11 13:28:02

I'm an only, my dad and grandad too. All social people, good at making new friends and fitting in with other families. My mum was one of seven who lived in the same town but hardly saw anything of each other and were pretty useless at times of crisis. Swore we'd only have one but after dd1 couldn't part with all the stuff and after I'd secured term-time work had dd2 30 months later. I like the idea that they'll have each other after we've gone. As I type they're playing a board game togeher, no fights yet today so far, but the day is young! Up to now they have shared and separate interests, we manange to have plenty of time alone with each child. However each family dynamic is different. Moving from a 'triangle' to a 'square' was natural for us. Good luck with whatever you decide!

DeWe Thu 11-Aug-11 13:37:11

My fil was an only child. Interestingly he said to me once that he'd loved being an only child, but it had meant he knew that he didn't want an only child.

JintyMcGinty Thu 11-Aug-11 13:52:19

I'm asking myself the same question. I would absolutely love another baby even though DS is only 6 months old. But I'm 36 now and it took 4 IVF cycles and 5 years of TTC to get him (plus miscarriage/ectopic pregnancies), so there's a very real possibility that he will be an only. I'm one of three and we're all very close and I'd absolutely love to have another baby(ies) and for DS to have a sibling, to share family life and, perhaps, the burden of elderly parents (DH is 39). I even loved being pregnant! But it's a slim hope for us. On the upside and what comforts me the most, is that two of my best friends are only children and they both have the most amazingly close and humerous relationship with their parents, and that seems to be (in my unscientific experience) very common

kittensliveupstairs Thu 11-Aug-11 17:05:17

I have to say, I've definitely seen an increase in the number of only children recently.
When DD was born 10 years ago and started school 7 years ago, she was in a minority, now, it seems there are more singletons.
My sister did confirm this, Mrs Fecund (eight children) works as a TA, she said that there are a significant number of only children in the year she works with.

PKO212 Thu 11-Aug-11 17:35:02

I had my son (now 8 months) at 39. He arrived after a year of trying and a miscarrage. We went for loads of fertility tests ( due to my age rather than the actual timeframe) including the new ovarian reserve one which painted a really bleak picture for me. 0.4 reserve so not a hope in hell apparently. I went on to become pregnant twice in a relatively short period of time. I would love another baby but wouldn't want to even think about it till my son is 1. By that time i'll be nearly 41. I'd be a bit nervous about going through it all again at that age. I was a nervous wreck during pregnancy! My son will probably have no siblings and although he has lots of cousins they are all decades older than him so no real sibling like relationship there. On the upside my three best pals all have onlies so I don't think he'll feel different at all.

burtie2u Fri 12-Aug-11 08:36:14

Sorry all a HUGH typo there I'm 38 this year NOT 28 blush

But after reading all the replys I think the longer we leave it the more likely we will only have 1. Although I loved being pregnant, (I might not be so lucky next time) I think I should just really enjoy every min with DS, I'm also finally going to part time in Sep, so can't wait grin

Rookielove Wed 05-Oct-11 18:57:28

I’m an only child and I loved it. I never wanted siblings.

Please, remember that not all siblings are supportive, love each other or even like each other. Lots of siblings are estranged or indifferent to each other, and usually there is only one sibling who helps with parent care giving.

Some pros of being an only child are:

Not feeling neglected.
No sibling rivalry.
More resources.
More love.
And a more closer and special relationship with your parents.

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